Changing

“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.” – Leo Tolstoy

Everyone? According to Tears for Fears, we also want to rule the world. Jeez, we’re assholes. There you go, actually–perhaps we should change ourselves into non-assholes.

The first change that I will nominate is to change the quote from specifying “himself” to “herself/himself,” since there is no such word as “theirself.” It should be gender-neutral with ladies first. How nice am I? It’s not just men who want to change the world. Women simply have different things in mind to change. Women want to change many things men don’t give a hoot about–including the fact that men don’t give a hoot–such as:

  • All toilet seats should be spring-loaded to close when flushed.
  • A new lane should be created on city streets exclusively for those who need to reapply mascara or powder.
  • Every bar must have purse hooks beneath it, and those hooks must be clearly marked above and sterilized nightly. (Oh, and please remove all the gross gum and boogers while you’re under there.)
  • All closets must be equipped with shoe shelves.
  • The thermostat must be raised two degrees.

Sure, men want to change the world, but in different ways, including:

  • Along with Casual Fridays, we nominate Topless Tuesdays. Make it part of gay pride, breast cancer awareness, or Mother’s Day. Whatever floats your milk floats.
  • Buffalo Wings must be breaded, deep-fried, well-done, and served with a warm washrag by a server with significant cleavage.
  • Farting should be encouraged and have its own award show, perhaps The Golden Bean Factory, The Viewer’s Air Biscuit Awards, or The Trouser Burpies.
  • Drinking beer should be allowed on the job as long as you have a mug-holder.
  • Cheerleaders are no longer permitted to wear undies.

I’m not touching gun control. It’s too politically sensitive. For that matter, I’m not touching politics, because people have strong opinions, especially about our mocha presidente. I describe him that way because I’m not touching race because I’d have my lily white ass handed to me since I’m a lover, not a fighter. I’m not touching fighting because it hurts. I’d rather touch boobs.

Do you stand in front of the mirror, first thing in the morning, while waiting (let’s change this too) for the shower water to heat up? You scan yourself and say aloud, “I need to make some changes to that person in the mirror.” Good. You’ve just proven that initial quote false. What sort of changes did you have in mind and how will they affect the world?

Losing a few pounds may shrink your human footprint but it isn’t going to reverse global warming. You’ll probably just clog up the streets with your new regimen of walking, jogging, or cycling. Thus, your change will change the world for the worse, as drivers like me are going to have increased blood pressure, increase healthcare costs, and die unless they hit you first.

Your new hairdo won’t help the world either. It will help exactly one person: your stylist. Others will be negatively impacted as they waste time trying to figure out what changed on you. Also, if you are female, your man will not notice your new do, which will negatively change the world as you punish him by withholding sex, which could result in an affair and court appearances in lieu of new offspring.

The best strategy is to make small changes in yourself and give no shit about the world, which has managed just fine without you for 15 billion years or so.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.
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