Enough with the Silver Stuff

We get it, already. Yes, our hair turns gray. Yes, we can actually still do many things with silver hair. No, this does not put us into an exclusive silver club where we should be cordoned off like zoo animals that don’t get along.

This week I see ads for Silver Singles and Silver Sneakers run back to back. Good thing I don’t have a brick or my TV would have its silver innards exposed. My silver chin fuzz does not prevent me from working out with nor mating with non-silver types. Your ads suck you segregative, probably millennial, twat bubble.

If this silver shit makes any sense, shouldn’t we be creating other categories? How about some of these:

  • Ginger Gropers
  • Asian Auto Racers
  • Yoga Stank Foots
  • Bald Boy Giver-Uppers
  • Drunks Against Craft Beer

It’s all so fucking stupid. We should be inclusive.

“Hey, come on in. Everyone is welcome … except for that guy wearing tights under his gym shorts. Ew, Jason. Just ew.”

We managed to get rid of most boys’ schools, girls’ schools, and men’s country clubs. That’s a good start. We’re left with Indian casinos and the NAACP. They each get a pass because of our ancestors totally fucking with them. I’m good with that, but, Silver Singles? Oh, hell no.

While I’m on the subject, stop dying your hair when it turns gray. If you want pink or purple hair, go for it. You rock. If you want a “natural” color to make you look younger, quit it. Everyone knows you’ve done this. It doesn’t make you look younger, it makes you look afraid of aging. Gray is just a lovely as yellow, gold, brown, and black. In fact, gray and wrinkles show maturity and wear — both admirable and more attractive than a scraggly fro beard.

Ooh, how I want to join these clubs just to fuck with them. I would dye my hair silver (not gray, silver), wear shiny silver clothes, and paint my nails with silver glitter. Maybe I’d carry a silver walking cane and get silver tattoos. Let’s add a silver scarf.


Sorry. As you can tell this annoys me not a little. I’m quite fermented.

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Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.
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