Ducking Swype – My Dirty Talk Misadventure

Her

I kinda like the dirty talk

Me

Oh boy. I suck at it.

Me

I said suck ha ha

Her

I love getting my neck kissed.

Her

And wanna feel your hands on me.

Me

All right. Sign me up.

Her

Sign you up?! Ha ha. Come on that’s it?

Her

I think you wanna do more than that

Me

Ha ha oh you have no idea. Get back to work you nut before I throw you in a bathtub full of wine and drink you up. There

Her

Come on…gets me excited when u say what u wanna do

Me

Damn. Um. I want to drink tequila off your neck and feed you chocolate. I suck

Me

Can’t we just play candy crush or something?

Me

Every curse word I type Swype ducks up

Me

Ugh see???

Her

Lol. Is okay. We can work on it.

Her

I realized really turns me on when u said u liked grabbin my body

Me

Yes well that should have been evident by my um you know um hard duck

Me

Duck

Me

Duck fuck fuck

Me

Richard

Her

Lmfao! A+ for effort

Her

I was nervous before.

Me

You show this to your girlfriends and I’ll bite you in the cat.

Me

Not even attempting that one.

Me

I need dirty Swype

Her

Oh hell no!!! I never show txt to anyone. Why u think I was so worried before.

Her

Not my style.

Her

My life is mine.  Not up for public.

Me

Right right

Her

But wouldn’t be worried to introduce to my friends.

Me

You should be. I’m a sarcastic beast who doesn’t play well with otters.

Me

Duck

Me

Ducking animals fucking llama

Her

R u drunk?

Me

No this fucking Swype shit

Me

Hey it worked

Her

I’m really super stumped as to why you’re single?

Me

I’m single because I’m intolerant.

Her

Fuck. Whatever

Me

Ha ha

Her

You’re like pie

Me

Mud? Blueberry? Apple crumb

Me

Hair??

Her

Unless you were just turning all the charm on

Me

Oh I’m a genuine gentleman. I do what it takes.

Me

Wish we were Bakken in bed watching movies and eating crumpets

Me

Bakken???? Naked

Me

Duck

Her

Wow. I think u need a new phone.

Me

I need a dirty one

Her

Or ur drunk

Me

Nope midway through glass uno

Her

Then new phone it is. Ha ha ha

Me

I’m going to tie you up and throw champagne water balloons at your naked ass

Me

Lol that worked

Her

Well…how bout your gonna run your hands over my body and your tongue from my mouth to my….

Me

Oh my

Her

Wow really.  Swing and a miss! Lol

Me

Lower? Um your courteous

Me

Ha ha

Me

There’s no way this fucking thing is going to allow Curtis

Me

Ha ha

Me

Um little man in the pink canoe

Me

Duck

Her

Ok. lol how r u?!?!  This is gonna be like pullin teeth isn’t it

Me

The developers of Swype deserve to be kicked where they pee

Me

Yes I suck

Her

If it’s not your bag that’s okay.

Me

… in all the ways you want me to

Her

But it turns me on when you say what you wanna do with me

Me

All right. I’ll read up and practice on my cat.

Her

No!!!! Don’t read.

Me

That’s how I do. I’m going to spank you with a loaf of French bread.

Her

I know you’re intellectual and a gentleman but just relax and say what you’d like to feel and do.

Me

I’m going to butter your toes and coat them in Vichy flakes.

Her

U wanna spank me with French bread? Lol

Me

What the Chuck is Vichy? Coconut

Me

Ugh

Me

I hate this

Her

Is okay. Relax. I already like you.

Me

I’m going to eat doughnuts off your Bob’s

Me

Bob’s???? Chuck me

Me

This fucking phone

Me

I will slap you with a pita

Me

Wham

Her

No. You’re gonna kiss me until our lips are numb then your gonna run your tongue down my neck to nipples while your hands….

Me

I’ll dump honey on your back and play slip and slide

Me

I’ll shove ice cubes in your Assad

Me

Ha ha

Me

I’m getting the hang of it

Her

Lord I hope so. Lol

Her

If you say what you wanna do with me doesn’t make you less of a gentleman.

Her

You just know what you want.

Me

I’m going to shove my mediocre average sized manhood so deep into you that my balls are going to enter your small intestine.

Me

Somehow Swype gets that one. Go finger

Her

Well… We’ll work on it.

Me

Lol sorry

Her

Hahahahhahhaha

Her

Don’t worry. Just wanna know how u feel without the jokes.

Her

Is okay. Maybe you’re not comfortable like that yet.

Me

I’m going to fill you with so much soreness seemed that you will foam from the nose

Me

Jesus … spermless semen

Me

Ok, maybe I’m not comfortable

Me

I’m such a clown. Lo siento

Her

U have so much natural sex appeal.  Work with it.

Her

I’m not attracted to many men. But you were a shoe in. Don’t be afraid to say how you wanna be with me and what you’d like you’d like to do.

Me

All right well I’m flattered and I am highly teachable

Her

K. Well another night. Xoxo

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Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.

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