Have you defined your dream boy or dream girl?


If you don’t know what you’re after, prepare yourself for long nights of window shopping. Some people get off on that. Still, if you want a partner who fits, you’d better know your requirements. Each gender defines their mates uniquely, and each person within the gender has varied tastes as well. Most of these tastes change with age and experience.

For example, soon after my first boner, this was my dream girl:

  • Older
  • Experienced
  • Likes to play
  • Kisses with her mouth closed
  • Has bouncy little boobies I can play with
  • Will write book reports for me if I help her with algebra
  • Loves Whopper Minis as much as I do
  • Has a purse with candy, mostly the red, chewy kind
  • Can’t run as fast as I can or kick my butt
  • Doesn’t have any female friends who are mean

In college, it changed to:

  • Likes to drink until she pukes
  • Smokes the occasional doob
  • Can write an essay for me if I write her Basic program
  • Likes to dance, with me only, to songs in my record collection
  • Won’t mind having sex with me if someone else is in the room and the lights are out
  • Has a nice roommate who walks around in just her undies often
  • Will attend sporting events with me and yell
  • Wants sex more than once a week
  • Won’t bang any of my hallmates
  • Knows how to give a blowjob without biting or squeezing my nuts too tightly


  • Earns enough money to avoid leeching off my struggling-to-make-the-rent butt
  • Has no more than one roommate, dog, or cat
  • Doesn’t mind sleeping over my place and leaving before breakfast
  • Can help me shop for clothing and teach me how to iron
  • Cooks something more than Ramen noodles, but doesn’t mind eating them
  • Is sometimes into deviant sex, but she never was with any previous lovers
  • Works on losing the college twenty and keeping them off
  • Wears bikinis, lingerie, and my shirts
  • Is on some sort of reliable birth control
  • Will keep the whining to a minimum while I do manly things


  • Drinks wine–almost as much as I do–and enjoys shots of fine tequila
  • Will be my designated driver at least half the time
  • Loves the penis often, especially in the morning without too much kissing
  • Has her own TV, car, and credit cards
  • Supports the democratic platform and legalization of marijuana
  • Does some exercise (without me) beyond the senseless elliptical machine
  • Is content having text-message conversations with me
  • Will at least offer to buy me breakfast or cover a tip once in a while
  • Hates condoms and has a well-kept whisker biscuit
  • Won’t correct me, shave me, or bring me to Jesus

My empty bed and cat-hair coated keyboard suggest my dream girl needs a makeover.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.