Don’t Shit Where You Eat


This was one of Pop’s favorite quotes. It seems to go without saying, right? My cats don’t even shit where they eat and they’re pretty fucking stupid sometimes. The advice applies literally to eating places but more often refers to the workplace. For those confused, I’ll translate.

“Don’t have sex with coworkers.”

This is not a lecture as that would make me the black pot, Mr. Kettle. In a way, I’m reminding myself to fight the temptation of plucking a lovely morsel from a plate of goodies. I repeat my mantra daily as I drive to work. “Show up on time, smile while I serve, rock no boats, take my money, and leave my job at work.”

Yet, there’s workplace drama everywhere. So-and-So is sleeping with somebody who is having an affair on him-or-her who used to date that-guy-or-girl … and they got caught. It’s somewhat natural and expected. People are typically around coworkers more than lovers. Why not mix the two? Because, when it ends (and it will end), you can’t ghost a coworker.

Some say it’s OK to hook up with a coworker if you work in different departments. All agree it’s not OK to bang your boss. Some say it’s OK to have a little mutually-agreed-upon fling. All agree it’s not OK to do that in your office.

I don’t know. I’d be a horrible HR person.

“Welcome to Phil’s Bar and Grille, Johnny. Here are the rules: Be here, work hard, don’t steal, and don’t fuck anyone who works for me.”

“No cocktail servers?”

“Not even if they beg you.”

“Kitchen help?”

“Don’t fuck them either.”

“How about, say, a liquor sales rep?”

“How about you beat off before work?”

“Technically, a rep doesn’t work here. She’s not on the payroll, right?”

“True, but she does work for me in the sense that I am paying her indirectly.”

“Fine. What if she is selling some shitty tequila, and you decline to carry it, so she doesn’t get paid. Can I fuck that one?”

“In that case, you need written permission.”

“From her?”

“Jesus, fucknuts. No. From me. I’m the one who decides whether to take on her booze, so my decision determines whether you can get your dick wet in Ms. Schnapps, and you wouldn’t know my business decision unless you asked for it.”

“Got it.”

“Do ya? Because I’m sensing you may have an undisclosed history of banging liquor reps.”

“Maybe one or two.”

“Fine. Again, before banging number three, ask me.”

I am no longer suited for the management role. I won’t tap any ass. I will pour, shake, and slide that glass.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.