Don’t Call Me … Anytime

I was hoping that phone calls would go the way of the personal letter. Why would you actually call someone when you can text? Perhaps this is just a case of the Mondays, but I don’t get it.

The main reasons people (women) give for voice calls are:

  • I want to hear your voice.
  • You can’t determine inflection and mood in text.
  • Saves time.

I call bullshit on all three. The “hear your voice” thing sounds romantic, but it’s insincere. You most certainly can set a mood within text messages by inserting (although, I hate these as well) emojis or using capitalization. As far as saving time, a voice call is a distraction. So, any time saved by the sender from tapping out a text is wasted by the recipient being derailed from his current task.

Here’s the main reason text messages are far superior: The recipient gets to choose if and when to read and respond. Technically, this particular recipient can respond quickly to voice calls by using the “Ignore” button. Yet, it takes time for the recipient to be distracted, check the phone to see who it is, consider whether it is worth answering, and react. Many message senders would consider this TMI or offensive, but most of my text handling is done whilst on the porcelain throne. That’s the ideal place to multitask, is it not?

The other reasons for avoiding voice calls is that I’m often in a noisy setting, my ears don’t work so well, and cell reception tends to suck. If I pick up a voice call in a bar (wherest I reside 20-25% of my waking hours), my annoyance spreads to other patrons like a yogurt fart in a yoga room. Even while tending bar I’ll find patrons using earbuds and speaking loudly. I’ve mistaken them for requesting my attention. Pointing to your phone doesn’t heal my irritation. Hang up and text, fucker.

If someone insists on having a voice call and she has leverage over me (e.g. she has a vagina I’d like to eventually visit or she’s my supervisor) then I must relent. Still, I can passively change her behavior by insisting the call is breaking up and hanging up on her. She’ll tell me to get a new phone. I’ll tell her to go buy me one or text.

I am truly a phone-reluctant introvert. Is this just a “me” thing, “man” thing, or “old man” thing? Will we see the day when voice calls go silent?

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.
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