Doctor O’s Cure for the Common Housewife

Doctor O's Cure for the Common HousewifeIntroduction

My name is Doctor Maxwell Overman. Most people call me Doctor O. I’m a therapist specializing in relationship repair. Most of my patients are women on their way out of unsatisfying marriages. However, I’m not a marriage counselor. I’m not out to fix couples; I fix individuals.

Most therapists brag about artificially inflated success rates. I don’t. Instead, I guarantee my patients will enjoy better lives after spending time with me. What is, indeed, high is my hourly rate. You’re worth every dollar you invest in me.

I lead a group of experts to assist with treatments. Each expert is appropriately discreet, fully dedicated, uniquely qualified to hasten the healing heart.

Below, you will find session transcripts–never before shared–describing the most interesting cases I’ve handled. Perhaps you’ll relate to some. For obvious reasons, I’ve changed the names.

Alexis – Session One

Profile: Almost 40 (her words; she’s over forty–my words), married twelve years, two children.

Issue: Marital blandness, loss of self, approaching crisis, feeling resentment toward family.

“Alexis, thank you for coming to see me. In here, it’s important that you are completely candid and honest about your feelings at all times, or I won’t be able to help you. This is a safe place. You can speed your progress along by telling me where it hurts and being open to remedies I suggest, no matter how strange they seem. Do you understand?”

“Yes.”

“Excellent. On the pre-session questionnaire, you described your marriage as bland. What do you mean by that?”

“I feel like a personal assistant–an underappreciated one at that. I run the kids around all day, do errands, and barely squeeze time in to do my job.”

“Your job?”

“I’m a real estate agent.”

“I see.”

“I work from home. Anyway, at the end of most days, I’m completely drained. Then, there’s the sex thing.”

“Yes?”

“I don’t feel sexy most nights. Still, I know how important it is to keep my man happy, so I do what it takes.”

“What does it take?”

“Well, I have sex with him.”

“Do you enjoy having sex with him?”

“It’s not awful. I mean, after all this time, it’s mostly going through the motions.”

“I see. Does he enjoy it?”

“I think so. I mean, he has his orgasm.”

“Do you have yours?”

“I take care of myself. You know?”

“Alexis, does your husband give you an orgasm?”

“Rarely. I fake it sometimes. I know, that’s horrible.”

“Not necessarily. Why do you fake an orgasm?”

“I want him to be confident as a man. OK, and sometimes to have him stop. It can get painful after a while.”

“Dryness?”

“That’s embarrassing but, yes. Not always.”

“Nothing to be embarrassed about, Alexis. You say you take care of yourself. Are you referring to masturbation?”

“Yes.”

“While you’re having sex with him?”

“No. That would be creepy.”

“Actually, he’d probably enjoy it.”

“Oh, you don’t know Mike. He’s pretty vanilla in the bedroom.”

“I do know men. Remember, I need you to remain open to things I suggest.”

“So I should masturbate while we have sex?”

“Perhaps. Tell me more about your sex routine. What happens in what order?”

“We climb in bed, play around, then have sex.”

“Right. Can you give me more details?”

“Like?”

“Let’s start with when you enter the bedroom. Does he undress you?”

“No. We undress ourselves, brush our teeth, and climb into bed.”

“What do you wear to bed?”

“I have to ask you something, Doctor.”

“Please do.”

“This feels strange to me–sharing like this. OK, can I be completely honest?”

“Of course.”

“And, you won’t be offended?”

“Alexis, I doubt you could offend me.”

“You have these broken and vulnerable women come to you. They empty themselves as you offer a cure for the common housewife.”

“Yes.”

“Does it turn you on?”

“If you are referring to the satisfaction of guiding the healing process, yes. If you want to know if I’m ever sexually turned on … honestly, sometimes. Luckily, I have someone in my life I can turn those thoughts and feelings toward. Alexis, I’m happily married, and nothing will come between doctor and patient other than therapy. You can, and you must trust me, so you can share everything, and I can prescribe accurately. OK?”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. Now, what do you wear to bed?”

“With all the running around, I’ve been skipping the gym, and I don’t feel my sexiest, so usually a T-shirt and panties.”

“What does he wear?”

“Boxers.”

“Once you’re both in bed, what happens?”

“He usually initiates by grabbing my butt or kissing my neck. Then I touch him down there. I usually go down on him for a bit until he’s hard. Then we do it.”

“Does he go down on you?”

“Sometimes.”

“How often?”

“I don’t know.”

“You go down on him how many times for each time he goes down on you?”

“Um, yeah, those scales are unbalanced. He probably does it once a month at best. It’s usually after he has had a lot to drink. It’s all right, though.”

“No, Alexis, it’s not all right. Have you asked him to do it more often?”

“No. I’m not sure I really need that.”

“Yes, you do. All women do. Don’t try to convince yourself otherwise and deprive yourself of something wonderful.”

“Most of my friends have the same situation, so …”

“It’s not all right for them either. I want to address something else you mentioned a few times now: You said you don’t feel sexy.”

“I could lose a few.”

“So, for you sexiness is tied to your weight.”

“Somewhat.”

“When do you feel your sexiest?”

“When I’ve slimmed down, tanned, gotten a mani pedi, had my hair done, and my favorite jeans fit me.”

“Does Mike tell you that you’re sexy?”

“Sometimes–usually, when we’re doing it.”

“You two talk a lot during sex?”

“Some. You know–the usual.”

“You’d probably be surprised by what I usually hear–not in bed, I mean here–about what is said in bed. Have you experimented with dirty talk?”

“Nothing more than the typical phrases with ‘God,’ ‘yes,’ and ‘fuck.'”

“Often, typical becomes boring.”

“Yes, it does.”

“Are you bored with your sex life?”

“Yes, Doctor, I am.”

“It’s good that you can admit it. It gives us something to address and improve.”

“How?”

“This is a good breaking point, Alexis. Let’s get into the ‘hows’ next week, shall we?”

Diagnosis: Her marriage is probably not worth salvaging. She has been neglected and deprived like many others.

Treatment: More intimate details next session. What does she crave? Who is her celebrity crush? What does she fantasize about while masturbating? Prime candidate for Tonya’s service and one of Gary’s men.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.