Doctor O: Beth – Session Two

My favorite people are the ones who know exactly what they want and are not afraid to ask for it. It’s much easier to help these people rather than guessing as they vomit what they think I want to hear. There’s not much I’d shy away from when it comes to Beth.

“How’s my favorite artery clogger today?”

“Ha! I’m fine, Babydoll. Still have that annoying slackass hanging around, though. At least having him there keeps the employees from stealing.”

“Doesn’t he work?”

“Nope. Quit his job at the utility because the long hours cut into his drinking time.”

“So, you’re supporting him.”

“Yep. Once we split, I’ll be stuck paying his sorry ass alimony. Fancy that.”

“We’ll see. I’m working a few angles that could solve that problem.”

“Ooh, do tell.”

“Best you stay out of it. Did you speak to an attorney this week?”

“No, I’ve been too damn busy. I’ll do it next week. I promise.”

“OK. So, you had a busy week. Anything you want to talk about?”

“You want another sex fantasy from me? Bet you told your boys about my last one; probably got their dicks real hard.”

“I’m sure they’d be amused, but everything that comes out in here, stays in here, Beth.”

“If you say so.”

“What type of man are you most attracted to?”

“Next time around I want a big daddy; not a skinny ass like you-know-who.”

“Age range?”

“Shit, I don’t care. As long as he can get it up.”


“I’m not so good at racing. It’s my knees.”

“You know what I mean.”

“Don’t matter.”

“You want the next man to be financially independent, right?”

“You know, I don’t mind being a provider as long as it’s appreciated. Sure, it would be nice to have a Mr. Big kind of guy who can get us around town in his limo. I met my share of rich assholes, though. I guess it all depends.”

“Some men are intimidated by successful women.”

“That’s just stupid. You can’t please men. If you broke, they complain they gotta pay for everything. If you loaded, they complain ’cause they feel useless … or, they just steal from you.”

“Well, I’m sure you heard this before but you need to let the man be the man.”

“Fine by me. Can we get back into the sex thing?”

“Sure. What’s on your mind?”

“Do guys like it when women play with their balls?”

“Um, define ‘play.'”

“You know, like rolling two hard-boiled eggs around my palm.”

“How about raw eggs?”

“Ah, you mean you like it gentle. Charlene told me her man likes when she bites his sack. That’s just strange if you ask me.”

“Yeah, don’t do that.”

“How about nipples?”

“What about them?”

“Not mine, yours.”


“Y’all like them bit and sucked?”

“I’d say most men do, within reason.”

“How about a finger in the butt?”

“Some men enjoy that.”

“But, by the face you just made, I’m assuming you ain’t one of them.”

“Again, my dear, I enjoy ravioli.”


“OK, what else?”

“How about threesomes?”

“Again, it depends on the people involved and how secure they are in their relationship and sexuality. If you’re the jealous type, it probably won’t turn out so good.”

“Heck, I ain’t jealous. Besides, once I get my hands on that next man, he ain’t gonna have enough energy to go cheat on me. I’ll keep him busy and happy.”


“You ever used toys? You know, like vibrators and stuff.”

“Toys can be fun.”

“Yes, they can.”

“Let’s chat about John. Has he ever been violent with you or the children?”

“Nah. He has a temper, but he usually just rants for a while and then crawls in a bottle of whiskey until he passes out. Half the time he don’t remember what he was mad about.”

“How’s his relationship with your children?”

“They boys are grown up. They moved away–have their own lives. I usually see them around the holidays. John isn’t close to them, mostly because they don’t have any money for him. One of them gets signed by the Yankees and you can bet he’d be all up in it.”

“What does John do all day? He just hangs out at your restaurant?”

“Most of the day. Rest of the time he’s at another bar or playing penny slots.”

“What does he love?”

“Besides drinking, I’d say his car would be number two on the list. I don’t know how that fool gets away with driving. Shit, I have that third glass of wine and I can pretty much guarantee I’m gettin’ pulled over. His drunk ass swerves all around the neighborhood and I swear the police look the other way.”

“So, he loves his car.”

“Yep, he even named the old Caddy. Calls her Emma Lou after his grandmamma.”

“What else does he love?”

“Shoes. He must have twenty pair of alligator and snake skin shoes. Crazy man polishes them every night before he goes to bed.”

“What was it about him that made you want to marry him and have his children?”

“He was different back then. He didn’t drink as much. He was charismatic–you know, the life of the party. He worked hard too. I don’t know when or why he became so damn lazy, but it’s a shame. He’s gonna drink himself to death, and I, for one, won’t miss him. I’m done pickin’ up his pieces.”

“Understandable. Beth, I just want to make sure there’s nothing worth salvaging there. I’d hate to see us head down a path, then have you begin doubting yourself.”

“I’m done with him, doc.”

“Fine. See what advice the attorney has this week. I’m moving forward with my plans. Let’s chat same time next week. OK?”

“Yep. See you then.”

Diagnosis: Concerned about Beth’s hyper-sexuality. Will she be able to connect emotionally? John should be easily persuaded to do the right thing.

Treatment: Time to let go of Ronnie’s leash.

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Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.