Did ya f*** him yet?

Courtship has become so complicated. Why? It should be simple: See woman and smile at woman. If she smiles back, approach woman and ask woman out. If woman agrees, goody for you. If she declines, move on to the next.

The complications arise when the approach is considered too aggressive or too passive. If you’re too aggressive, it can be creepy and scary. If you’re too passive, you must not be that into her. I usually choose the passive approach, as it seems to attract aggressive women. I know, sounds crazy. Opposites do indeed attract. I need an aggressive woman because when you mix two introverts you wind up with a lot of guessing and shrugging, with insufficient sexual activity.

Speaking of slapping nasties, a recent target of mine confessed that my passivity lead to my being the subject of a long conversation with her bestie. She told me her bestie asked, “Did you fuck him yet?”

Now, wait a fucking minute, here. I am the fucker, and she is the fuckee, right? I’m not aching to be pegged, so I am fucking Tab A, and she is Slot B. I’ll do the fucking around here, Baba Louis.

What does the bestie mean by that, anyway? Is she suggesting that once I sink into the pink, I’ll be texting more often? OK, perhaps. Or, is the bestie concerned that we have already joined at the groin, and my lack of contact means the sex was ponderous at best?

Even my fellow ape-men don’t ask, “Did you fuck her yet?” We’re slightly more creative and less direct. Typical male-to-male inquiries include the following:

  • Did you tap that ass?
  • Did you bottom out?
  • How freaky-deaky is she?
  • Those lips were made for sucking, amigo.
  • I noticed her scabby knees. You lucky fucker.

Yes, I know ladies can be as nasty as men. It’s a club thing, though. You ladies mostly use nasty-speak with other ladies and gay men, right? Not that your Uncle Philsy is uptight, but he grew up with so many sisters and aunts that he isn’t trained to properly respond to nasty girls. I do make awesome gnocchi. Just sayin’.

So, what’s a boy to do? Guess I’ll be fucked either way.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.
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