Despicably Quotable Me


I realize it’s somewhat narcissistic, but I signed up for to track my “brand.” My last name is uncommon, so when it shows in a new search result, it’s usually attached to adjectives like “vulgar” and “irreverent.” Meh. I’ll take it. Today, I was notified that I was quoted on Wiktionary. Seems my use of the word “motorboating” in my 2010 book Nice Meeting You was a real ground-breaker (listed just above that plagiarizing toter of quite significant funbaggery herself, Snookie).

For those unaware of the meaning, I was not referring to speeding across Lake Hopatcong. The official definition given by Wiktionary:

“The act of placing one’s head between a woman’s breasts and making the sound of a motorboat with one’s lips whilst moving the head from side to side.”

Indeed, I was referring to this titty-slapping of one’s cheeks in a marvelous valley of the mammarial melons—a far superior definition, if you ask me. Also, I don’t think the clarification “with one’s lips” was necessary here. What else would the motorboater use to make the noise? His ass? I prefer making no noise (a la Tesla electric boat) as to enjoy the slapping noise. If she’s sufficiently endowed, there’s a noteworthy possibility similar to rudder jamming or propeller impairment: nipple stuck in ear. A similar method would be windshield wipering. Think about it.

I noticed a few more quotes of mine on that wonderful site, including GILF and fuckumentary. I’m equally proud of those. My Third Grade teacher, Ms. Sinclair, probably just shredded her teaching credentials. What’s better than a five-syllable word for a cinematic gem about mating? Nothing, I say.

People love quotes almost as much as Horoscopes. We need more of them, and we need newer ones. I say we get rid of everything before Kennedy’s, “Ask not …” quote. Fuck those old windbags Lincoln, Homer, and Twain. Give me something fresh and timely. How about something from the brilliant and beautifully boobtastic Ilana Glazer?

“The vag-yine-ya is Nature’s pocket.”

Pause. Take a moment and reflect on that. Wow. Feel free to make that mind-blowing gesture we all love. (Place right fist on hear, pull away, and spread fingers while making “pah-kow” noise … yes, with your lips, Wiktionary. Optionally, you can roll your eyes and tilt your head left from the recoil.) There’s no better way to describe my source and optimal destination.

Yet, my favorite phrase remains “fuck nugget.” How is it that the websites that be have spurned me? Horrible injustice. Miriam Webster, you need to recognize the brilliance behind that cerebral birth from my wine-saturated mind. That phrase deserves to take its rightful place between “fuck nub – tiny penis” and “fuck numb – the result of three tequila shots and two prior orgasms.”

Although feeling somewhat neglected, I, America, pledge to continue cultivating vulgarities in the hope that one day, before my dirt nap, those ditties of depravity will make me famous enough to outdo Tom Cruise by motorboating Oprah.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.