Cute

“My girlfriend thinks you’re cute.”

“Yeah?”

“Sure. Look. Here’s her text.”

(It’s a Bitmoji of my admirer winking with the caption, “He’s cute.”)

“Right. But, is that cute like a puppy or a mate?”

“What do you think?”

“Fuck if I know. While I totally appreciate the compliment, it would be nice to know if she wants to play fetch with me or fondle me.”

Communication is supposed to have become simpler and clearer, yet I find myself in a fog of confusion. The crystal clear answer would be, “He’s attractive, and I’d go on a date with him if he asked.” Right? That tells me all I need to know. Next steps: I get her number, I call her, and I ask her out.

Simple as a pimple.

But, no. The message is ambiguous, and I’m usually too old and lazy to take the time to gather clarification. Or, is that the intent? Do women enjoy the dance? Is this some sort of test? Keep tossing breadcrumbs (text messages) and see if the cute puppy follows or stays behind and licks himself.

Just once, I want a woman to call me (not text me) and come right out with it. She should tell me straight up she’s attracted to me and is willing to spend one-on-one, in person time with me to determine if I’d be a suitable mate. Sounds so easy and logical.

Yet, I’m left in a puddle of emojis.

How is this dance enjoyable? We can’t see body language or hear tone in print. (If you could, you’d see a vein pulsing on my temple as I write this.) I’m almost to the point where I take every lady-text as a mating call. Heck, the odds will catch up with me eventually, and I’ll score. Sure, in the meantime there will be collateral damage as I proposition the uninterested. Meh. What’s another stink-eye? I’ve collected millions.

“So, are you going to ask her out or what?”

“Does she want me to ask her out?”

“Duh.”

“Fine. Give me her number.”

“I’ll give her yours.”

“Cool. Can’t wait for the next Bitmoji.”

Roll forward a few scenes, and guess what? Radio silence. I’m un-laid and empty. Ah, but I’m cute! Scratch my fuzzy ears.

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Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.

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