Cry, baby, cry. It’s OK (not).


Men raised by men learn to harden and block tears. Welling up is seen as a sign of weakness. Sure, some women will say they find it charming when a man cries. They’re lying unless the man is a friend she doesn’t plan to sleep with.

I’ll provide a few exceptions. Men are allowed to cry when …

  • mourning the death of a relative or pet.
  • pulling a nose hair.
  • watching Brian’s Song or Rudy.
  • having an ingrown toenail removed.
  • buffalo wings are 86’d

Balk all you want, ladies; you’re not convincing me you’d appreciate a sniveling snifflepuss across the table from you at your favorite wine bar.

“Honey, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing. [*sniff*]
“Oh, no. You’re welling up. Sweetie?”
“I’m OK. I just need a moment.”
“You can talk to me. What is it?”
“It’s just that [*sob* *sniffle*] I really like you and [*cough* *snort*] sometimes I’m not sure you feel the same.”
“Aw. Of course, I do. I adore you.”
“Hand me a napkin, please. [*dab* *dab*] Great. Now my eyes are all puffy.”
“Don’t be sad.”
“I can’t help it. [*trickle* *snot-drip*] I never learn. I always open up too quickly and set myself up to have my heart broken.”
“No. I like that about you. Everything is fine, my love.”
“Really? [*blink* *blink*] Do you still want me?”
“Of course I do.”
“Why? I’m such a failure.”
“No, you’re not. Stop it.”
“I can’t even pay my Visa bill. [*sniff*] Oh, god.”
“Baby, I love you for who you are. It will all be OK.”
“Well, thank you. I feel better. Excuse me for a moment. I need to freshen up. [*snort*] Be right back.”

This is when the woman has her iPhone out the minute Ole Booger-Bubble turns his back.

“Help! Nate is having an emotional breakdown.”
“WTF? Where are you?”
“At Wine Vines. He totally just started bawling.”
“With tears and all?”
“Oh, yes–tears and whiny spit-ropes.”
“I don’t know what to do?”
“Well, if you don’t want to be the man in the relationship, you should run.”
“No kidding. He’d probably hang himself.”
“You have your gay friend, Howard, you don’t need another emotional man in your life.”
“I know! Why do I attract such messes?”
“Must be your masculine energy.”
“Ugh. FML”

Men, when you start welling up, remove thyself from the public eye, lest ye expose thy man-pussy.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.