Compliment Guide

Let’s start with a disclaimer that I am not an expert in the field of lady compliment delivery. I’ve certainly had my share of failures with a few successes mixed in. Perhaps it’s best to share experiences, which may prevent a trip to HR or bony knee to the nuts.

Your first inclination when delivering any sort of comment to a lady should be “don’t.” A closed mouth gathers no foot. There is an exception — if you’re married to this woman, go right ahead and deliver the compliment. Marriage can usually survive even the most back-handed of compliments. Do avoid giving what I call “as” compliments. That’s not a typo. I mean “as” not “ass,” but come to think of it, I can use both in my example. Here you go: Never say, “Honey the jogging is paying off. Your ass is almost as firm as your sister’s.”

Let’s talk about boobs, shall we? Yes, yes, we all love boobs. Ladies know we love boobs, so leave it there. I’ve had my share of women yank up their tops to conceal the cleavage I assumed I was covertly enjoying. Subtle, I’m not. Help it, I can try. When eyes meet cleavage, train yourself to immediately raise your gaze to her eyes. If you must boob-stare, use a mirror angle, or look through the bottom of your rocks glass. Never, I say NEVER comment in any way about her boobs. She’s knows her rack.

Women are hair experts. Men are hairy apes. Unless you are a hair stylist, limit your hair compliments to “looks nice” and “smells good.” Never refer to the color. Never ask if the carpet matches the curtains. Never touch hair that has any chance of being strapped, clipped, or Velcro’d on. Another thing you should avoid mentioning is the cost associated with maintaining her mane.

Age is immaterial. There isn’t a single compliment you can give a woman about her age that will go over well. I tend bar occasionally. Carding a woman never goes over well. If she’s under 21, she’s pissed she got caught. If she’s in her twenties, she’s tired of showing her ID and suspects I’m trying to get her address to creep on her. If she’s over 30, she’s onto my scheme of carding her to compliment how young she looks for her age. She’ll say, “Aw, aren’t you sweet.” That’s lady code for, “None of this is for you, so just stop.”

Social media posts are touchy areas. If your lady friend posts something, your best bet is to like it. Just click “Like” and walk the fuck away. If you must comment, make it a single emoji like a heart or clapping hands. Don’t write anything on her post. You’re not qualified. This is fucking book #17 for me and I’m not qualified. Just don’t. Oh, and maybe don’t like her post if it refers to her illness or sadness. She’s venting. Let it happen. Read the post, because she’s going to ask if you did. When she asks what you think, say it was insightful.

I hope this helps. The amount if cringing I do as I scroll through posts leads me to believe this may be part one of many dozen. Ladies, if you have any suggestions, please add them here. I will read them and like them, without commenting on them … in writing.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.
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