Come on, Peloton.

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As I first watched the infamous Peloton ad, here were my thoughts:

  • Dang, she’s hot.
  • Wait. What? He bought her an exercise bike. OMFG! This isn’t going to end well.
  • Oh, stop it. She must be faking. There’s no way she’s this happy about it. What meds is she on?
  • Her eyes — she looks abused. Is this some Fifty Shades garbage?
  • Every single ad agency and Peloton rep who approved this ad must be fired.

Even if my woman asks me to buy her an exercise bike, gym membership, or fucking cookware, I won’t do it. Why? Because, although they may be things she wants, they are NOT things she wants from me. I can easily buy her things that are similar, but not as cringe-worthy, like yoga classes, spa treatments, or a magnificent dildo. See that? I’m one well-trained dude.

Not offended by the Peloton ad? Right. What if the woman were fifty pounds overweight? Then, it’s bad? Why? She arguably needs exercise more than little miss doe-eyes. Look at the ad, will ya? Even the actor can’t hide her disappointment.

Better yet, let’s switch this fucker around.

How about a commercial from Home Depot where wifey buys lazy ass husband-y a weed whacker so he can put down the remote and make the house less embarrassing? Let’s show him totally ecstatic about the gift. Have him turn off the NFL playoff game, even though it’s 4th and one and his team is down by two with 30 seconds left. He slaps on the overalls, sprints to the garage, and fires up the whacker. Then, he gleefully struts around the house and up and down the curb making tight lines.

Yeah, fuck that nonsense.

Or, how about if she buys him spray-on hair? A half-dozen baseball caps? Kale chips? Or, maybe she buys him a fucking weight bench or goddamn Peloton, for that matter. Can we show husband Harry Mantits hurrying home from work, taking selfies showing gratitude as he pedals and his manhood pools beneath him?

Naturally, Peloton’s stock fucking tanked — not because of the horrible press — because they didn’t consult with any non-abused wafer-thin woman who would be honest about how fucking awkward it is to receive exercise equipment as a gift from anyone except her life insurance company. Oh, for fuck’s sake.

And, to top it off, the ad is still running. The only possible recovery from this stupidity would be to pull the ads immediately and create one of the inverse ads above. Poke fun at yourself, Peloton. A little self-deprecation would go a long way here.

“Bwah! We f’d up, people. Sorry. Here’s us kicking our own ass. These twelve people have been fired. Plus, here’s a 25% off coupon to buy yourself a Peloton. Do not buy one for someone else. This is for you and you only. We won’t gift wrap it, so don’t ask. Again, sorry.”

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.