It feels like forty, only with a bit more gray and tequila. I decided a solo trip was in order for this one because I am an unsociable prick. Kidding. Don’t you ever enjoy alone time? It’s nice not having to worry about pleasing other people. That’s hard work. So, here I sit poolside at the most amazing resort I’ve ever visited and I’m the one being pleased. People, you MUST set aside time every year to be spoiled to the point where you become tired of saying “Gracias.”

I admit a little hot tub nookie, shower sharing, and moonlit kissing would enhance this experience, but today I’ll replace those with jalapeno margaritas, filet mignon, and the sounds of crashing waves and festive music.

The rest of the resort is paired up, so oddball I am left to give the workers a break from all the PDA. It’s certainly not cheap to stay here at Las Ventanas al Paraiso, but it’s worth it. They have a staff of 370 serving 71 rooms. That’s a great ratio. They all know and can pronounce (!) my name. I get cold towels to cool off with, I just had a lemon and cilantro ice cream cone, and none of this requires I sit through a timeshare presentation. (A cute server just winked at me … in Spanish. I hope it means the same as above the border: “Stop staring at my tits and order something, will you?”)

I hear celebrities vacation here often. Perhaps I’ll run into a few. Here are some I’d love to have a cervesa with:

  1. Chelsea Handler — It would probably be more than one cervesa and she’d make me pee myself.
  2. Nicholas Cage — He just seems like a cool dude. Raising Arizona is a favorite and I want to get stoned with him and reminisce.
  3. Joan Rivers — A legend. I’d suckle her small toe if she asked.
  4. President Clinton — You just know this fucker can party and he has some legendary off-the-record shit to share.
  5. Either Williams sister — Big, sexy, and sassy. Daddy likey. I’d love to hear Serena go off on a bartender. “You’re just an ugly, fat person who can’t make a skinny margarita.”
  6. Nolan Ryan — Pitching tips. Oh, never mind.
  7. Sandra Bullock — Really? Do I have to say the words? She’s only the sexiest woman since … since … the big fucking bang. There!

Naturally, no celebrities will arrive and if they did, none of them would waste their time amusing a peon like me. This week I shall concentrate on my pregnancy. I am approaching my second trimester and after I devour tonight’s flaming something con something, I may need to ultrasound for twins. Floppy man boobs are acceptable at my advanced age as long as I know how to tongue-punch a love button.


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Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.
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