Christmas Proposal

A boyfriend-ed girlfriend of mine seemed nervous discussing the coming holiday.

“Think he’s going to be on bended knee in front of thee?”

“Oh, I don’t know. I thought he might propose a few weeks ago for my birthday. I guess when the time is right, he’ll do it.”

“And?”

“And what?”

“Will you say yes?”

“Sure. Wow, then the pressure’s on.”

“Pressure?”

“Yes. Then, I’m going to get married.” (Followed by noticeable fidgeting.)

“Don’t worry, my dear. Everyone needs a marriage or two to figure it out. Might as well get the starter out of the way.”

“You’re so cynical.”

“Right?”

“Well, I’m hoping this is the first and last wedding for me.”

“It can happen. The plane could crash on the way to your honeymoon.”

“…”

“More cynicism. I apologize, and allow me to express my congratulations for your pending nuptials.”

“Thank you, I think.”

I have other thoughts about Christmas proposals:

  • I get the feeling it’s a bit cheap of a man to propose on Christmas, Valentines Day, or birthdays. It seems he’s skating on a present. Legally, though, he should be aware that a ring presented on such a day can be logically interpreted as a gift, therefore, if the commitment implodes (like many do), she’ll have a good case to keep the gift. And, much chagrin will be had by him.
  • It’s a bit showy for my tastes. I realize women in the vicinity will well up, but men (especially the ones with attached women sans rings) will feel added pressure to take the plunge.
  • I’d like to own a jewelry store one month a year.
  • Wouldn’t it be wiser to hand her an x-thousand-dollar gift card, and have her pick out one she actually wants? Sure, each woman I speak to insists there’s special meaning in something he picks out specifically for her. Yet, she must admit it is more likely the person behind the counter is weighing in considerably, without knowing squat-ola about her.
  • With the high quality of manufactured diamonds today, wouldn’t it be wise (and cool) to purchase five different rings with distinct settings? It would be less stressful for both parties, as a lost ring would be an oh-well.

If you’re expecting to be staring down at a quivering mass of masculinity this Christmas, fret not and take my words with grains of hops. It’s basically a 50-50 shot, sort of like playing roulette. Go for it. Practice flitting your fingers toward your gushing girlies, and go shopping for gowns. Try not to think about all the money you’ll spend on the ceremony; it will hurt your brain. Just look forward to a few months of hyper-sex … until you get pregnant. That’s another perilous journey.

About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.

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