Christmas Orphan – It ain’t so bad.


Single people, like me, just love it when the other half asks what we’re doing for the holidays. The answer they expect is something along the lines of, “Oh, I’m flying back home to spend time with my family.” How boring. Better choices for answers, whether actually true or not, include:

  • Getting fucking plastered. No, really. I’m having a plaster mold done of my cock … whilst I get shitfaced.
  • Sleeping.
  • I’m putting on plaid and having an Orange Is the New Black marathon.
  • I’m cleansing.
  • Sending a text message out to all of my contacts wishing them Happy Festivus.
  • Cutting Christmas lights.
  • Cuddling on the sofa with a fine 18-year-old … Scotch.
  • Staring into space pondering the meaning of life.
  • Laundry.
  • Wrapping, then unwrapping presents I bought myself. Then, acting surprised when I’m actually disappointed. Then, I’m going to hug myself.

If the above sounds Grinch-y, you’re probably one of those over-the-top Christmas people who is wearing something red (ugly) and green (ugly) right now. I bet you have a can of aerosol snow, don’t you? Well, have yourself a Merry Fucking Christmas. I’m masturbating and going to bed.

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Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.