Cheating’s Fine

We’ve all had the miserable experience of learning about a lover’s cheating ways. The important thing to note here is the act of cheating isn’t what hurts; it’s the finding out, especially when your peers knew before you. Also, the depth of the pain is relative to the depth of the love you have for the cheater. If you don’t care, you don’t care.

There are different levels of cheating:

  • Masturbating with another person’s body.
  • Getting drunk and hooking up–a one-time oopsie.
  • Crossing the line with a platonic (no longer) friend at a moment of weakness or need.
  • Getting back together with an ex, because of the familiarity.
  • Revenge cheating.
  • Falling in love with another.

As the cheatee, there are different levels as well:

  • Oh, you didn’t know he or she was married?
  • You dislike the spouse.
  • Just too fine to pass up.
  • It’s preferable to have sex with someone who won’t nag you.
  • Fame fucking. “How could I say no to that?”
  • The promise of divorce, and a whole new life together, forever. (Bwah, ha-ha-ha!)

Sorry, I don’t have time for cheaters, not just because of the bad karma thing; because it’s too god damn stressful. If I’m going to have casual sex with someone, I don’t want to know much more than her name and how she likes her clit rubbed. I don’t want to see a ring. I don’t want to see pictures of her offspring or pets. I’m not in the sorry-your-husband-neglects-you-here’s-my-penis business. Mind you, I’m not judging. You go get whatever stank you need on your bad self. My stank stays stored inside me.

About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.

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