Here’s a picture of me in my panties.

panties“Nice. What am I supposed to do with that?”

“I don’t know. You like it, right?”

“Yes. Very sexy, but what’s the point?”

“That’s the point: turning you on.”

“You’re an hour away.”

“So?”

“So, it’s like showing me a picture of black forest cake.”

“How so?”

“Looks delicious, but I can’t have any.”

“You can, though.”

“Yes, a fucking hour from now. Much better it would be if you texted me that picture right before you rang my doorbell … and, if you were carrying a black forest cake. Fuck, now I’m starved.”

“You don’t like being turned on?”

“Of course I do. All right. Consider this: What if looking at that picture gives me wood, and I need to go relieve myself, or I’ll suffer painful blue balls?”

“That’s kind of hot.”

“Ah, but after I eat an entire black forest cake, I’m not hungry anymore.”

“Huh?”

“Metaphor. Look, if I go toss a batch down the shower drain right now, by the time you get here I’m going to be left with something resembling saltwater taffy in the sun.”

“Then, I’ll send you another picture.”

“Right. But, after I eat entire cake … Jesus. Never mind.”

“If it bothers you, I’ll stop sending them.”

“No, it doesn’t bother me. Please do not stop. Let’s just work on the timing a bit.”

“OK. When should I send you pictures?”

“Five minutes before I see you, and you’re up for nookie.”

“Nookie?”

“Christ. I’m a fossil. Keep forgetting. Um, I believe your generation calls it crossing a blurred line, getting lucky.”

“You could send me a picture back, you know.”

“Not happening.”

“You’re no fun.”

“I’m not photogenic. My phone contains pictures of food, cats, and baseball fields.”

“Boring.”

“How about picture of a big, juicy sausage?”

“Now, I’m hungry.”

“Now you know how I feel when I see those black panties.”

“You’re hungry for panties?”

“Seems to be a slight disconnect. Let’s drop the metaphors. Here’s the plan: You send me sexy pictures as often as you like. I’ll save them and place them in my spank vault until minutes before we’re getting together. I will send you no pictures. Feel free to subscribe to The Daily Cock.”

“I don’t need to see cock pictures. That would be gross. Just send me something sexy.”

“New York Cheesecake?”

“…”

“Shoofly Pie?”

“…”

“Hello?”

Lost time is never found again.

textabbr(quote by Benjamin Franklin)

Considering how much time people spend with their noses in their phones, there’s a need for time-saving tips. Most of the texting nowadays is done one-handed, with a thumb. I don’t know about you, but my thumb hits the right letter about fifty percent of the time. The longer the response, the greater the chance I’ll be fucked by auto-correct or annoying a line of cars behind me as I swerve. Hence, the best solution is to come up with abbreviations to save errant strokes. Heck, you wouldn’t type “laughing out loud,” would you? Nope. A simple “LOL” suffices.

Here are abbreviations I suggest women put to use immediately, before neck cramps set in:

  • YNGLTSSB – You’re not getting laid tonight so stop begging.
  • WDWCFHO – Where do wide-cocked firemen hang out?
  • NMW – Need more wine.
  • VIC – Vegas is calling.
  • WFHWYV – Wouldn’t fuck him with your vagina.
  • SAWFTPW – She’s a whore from the planet Whoretopia.
  • IDFAGL – I’m due for a good licking.
  • CBNML – Cute bartender needs my lovin’.
  • OGSIME – Ouch! Got sperm in my eye.
  • ROTFLMAO – Rapper on the floor licking my ass out.

Men also struggle to text while driving, grocery shopping, running on the treadmill, and watching the big game (which was so rudely interrupted). There’s also the case when the man is hiding his phone beneath the table, trying to respond to option B while option A sits across from him. This is doubly dangerous. Blind texting may result in much embarrassment. Men should consider using this handy list of abbreviations:

  • FFBMC – Fat friend blocking my cock.
  • ETA – Exposed thong alert.
  • HT@6 – Huge titties at six o’clock. (Feel free to use numbers one through twelve, and TTAN means teeny titties, all nipple.)
  • XSM – Ex stalking me.
  • FOWNPYI – Friend of wife needs penis. You’re in.
  • WOWHMBJG – Where or where have my blowjobs gone? (You may add, WOWCTB, for emphasis.)
  • RFDJPIH – Real fucking drunk. Just peed in hamper.
  • BIG – Beer is good.
  • SHEA – Server has epic ass.
  • ROTFLMAO – Resting on the front lawn, must avoid old-lady.

If you become skilled at using these abbreviations, you could join the big leagues, such as the NFL (notes formerly long) or NBA (nothing but abbreviations). If you’re feeling edgy, you could join the UFC (ultimate finger conversation) league and practice MMA (many more abbreviations).

You say, “TY” (thick yolk), and I say, “YW” (yellow wildflower).

HAND (have a nice drug),

PHT (Phil’s hairy testicles)

P.S. (post silliness) GBTW (get back to work). TTYL (tongue tickling your labia).

What am I supposed to do with your number?

When you distribute your phone number to a potential bedwarmer, what are your expectations? Wouldn’t it be logical to provide instructions along with the number? Why begin the relationship with ambiguity? Why test the man before the first date?

After exchanging a few witty (brushing my nails on my shirt right now) Match.com emails, I received a reply that contained a phone number. This baffled me. I was flattered to receive the number, but I didn’t know what exactly to do with it. Yes, I realized the intention was for me to use it to call her. My confusion concerned how and when. I put on my smart cap and decided the safest thing to do was send a text message asking what was best time for me to call. Gosh, sometimes I wonder how I fit all those brains in my skull.

Then my phone rang.

I allowed it to go to voice mail because I was on the treadmill and wasn’t in the mood for a face-plant, plus I didn’t want all my panting to scare her away.

“Hi, this is Missy from Match. I thought it would be nice to talk on the phone before we meet. So, give me a call when you get a chance and we can chat.”

When I called Missy, she lectured me. This made me and my curiosity shrivel.

“I’m new to this online dating thing. Tell me: Is it normal that guys get a number and instead of calling send more emails and then a text message.”

“Um, normal?”

“Just trying to figure men out.”

“Well, let me ask you this: If I called you seconds after I received your number, what would have been your impression?”

“I don’t know. I guess I would have been flattered and seen it as a sign of high interest on your part, much like providing my number showed high interest on my part.”

“I see. Perhaps you could have left your number with an asterisk and a note specifying a best time to call and the fact that you expect a voice call.”

“Really? I need to be that specific?”

“Or, you can be vague and disappointed, which will result in an awkward conversation with a man you’ve only met in two dimensions.”

“I didn’t mean for this to be awkward. I’m only asking.”

“In the past day, how many text messages have you sent and how many voice calls have you made?”

“Yes, I text my friends more often than I call them.”

“Hence, my decision to send a text fell in line with your tendencies.”

“It’s just so impersonal, especially when first meeting.”

“I understand and had I known your expectations I would have met or exceeded them. Now, let’s put this behind us, cupcake. Would you like to meet?”

“Um, sure, I guess so.”

Please don’t analyze me. I’m old and tired. I won’t chase you unless you’re coated in honey and powdered sugar. Point me to your pleasure buttons and I will comply.

TWI

Texting while intoxicated is highly encouraged (but not while driving). This is also why you should keep every contact you have gathered, including even the douchiest exes. Eventually, you’re going to reminisce about that time he did something silly, and want to remind him. Also, you know he’ll be sending a post-midnight text with “just checking in,” which means “boy, would I love to have some makeup sex right now.” Depending on your occupancy status, this may not be a bad thing.

My fingers are fat and my eyes are failing, which means my alcohol-induced texts are unintentionally comical. The autocorrect feature on my phone consistently fucks with me. I also have this habit of receiving a text from bootycall, unlocking my phone, typing a clever reply, and then realizing the reply went to exgirlfriend or baseballbuddy.

Oopsie.

Here are some suggestions for 2 a.m. texts to ex-girlfriends:

  • “Hey, QT. Can I come over and motorboat you?”
  • “Don’t you miss my penis?”
  • “I just received my certification as Supreme Cunnilingusator. Can I lick you now?”
  • “Stop flipping your bippy and come over.”
  • “All the lonely vaginas–where do they all come from?”
  • “Daddy wants to come tuck you in.”
  • “OK, I admit it: I miss you. Can we fuck now?”
  • “I’m sorry I was such an ass. BTW, can I date your sister?”
  • “I just beat off to your match.com profile.”
  • “How drunk would you have to be to hook up with me again?”

Since I rarely receive booty texts from exes, it seems like a waste of time for me to suggest any. Instead, I suggest the following replies to your ex-boyfriends who are begging:

  • “I’m sorry, the vagina you have reached is currently busy. Please find a different ex’s number and try again.”
  • “I just showed your message to all of my girlfriends. Good luck finding anything other than a silicone lover.”
  • “I would sooner bounce my twat off a railing than have you reenter me.”
  • “Look, nothing personal, but you have a disappointing penis.”
  • “I’m flattered. Now kindly go fuck a duck.”
  • “You’ve helped me locate my inner lesbian and, as such, I am no longer interested in being penetrated by dickweeds. Have a nice life.”
  • “So nice to hear from you after all this time. Can you send me your address so I know where to mail your child support invoices?”
  • “Remember that marvelous night we spent together? Me neither.”
  • “I don’t think I’m drunk enough to spend five minutes in the same room with you.”
  • “Funny you should text me. Are your ears ringing? I was just telling my new boyfriend about how you got off on wearing my panties.”

If you really want to spice up the text, why not add a photo of:

  • You in lingerie giving him the finger.
  • Your new boyfriend’s cock.
  • A stop sign.
  • A group of your girlfriends reading his message and laughing.
  • Directions to the closest therapist’s office so he can get help.