(quote by Thomas Edison)

Have you heard of “The 12 Steps to Intimacy,” which came from Intimate Behavior: A Zoologist’s Classic Study of Human Intimacy by Desmond Morris? This definitive guide from sight to wet spots was published in 1971, and it begs for an update. Think how things have changed since Rod Stewart sang about some sleepy tranny named Maggie. Social media at that time (whisper down the school bus) had it that Rod recorded the song, amazingly, with a belly full of man juice. Myth, I say. Anyway, here’s the original list:

Step 1 – Eye to Body
Step 2 – Eye to Eye
Step 3 – Voice to Voice
Step 4 – Hand to Hand
Step 5 – Arm to Shoulder
Step 6 – Arm to Waist
Step 7 – Hand to Head
Step 8 – Face to Face
Step 9 – Hand to Body
Step 10 – Mouth to Body
Step 11 – Body to Body
Step 12 – Full Body Intimacy

*Yawn*

Where’s the alcohol? Where’s the lube? Where’s the consultation with friends? Plus, there needs to be two lists–one for ladies and one for men. Allow me to do ladies first (tee hee):

1. Eye to hair, hands, and height.
2. Eye to package.
3. Drink to hand, mouth, and brain.
4. Hand to own breast meat alignment and enhancement.
5. Arm to love handles.
6. Arm to outside of hip, causing forearm to buttocks, and detection of how often man gets off sofa.
7. Hand to head, searching for velcro.
8. Face to face, nose to nose, cheek to cheek, lips to lips, tongue to tongue, spit to spit followed by text to friends about his kissing abilities.
9. Hand to package, detecting size, curvature, and whether it merits further investigation or yet another text to friends about Mr. Cocktail Weenie.
10. Mouth to package, briefly, to determine if this is a one-way fellow.
11. Body to body including package to taint, package too close to butt hole, package rubbing on leg, and occasionally semen to thigh and an early goodbye.
12. Fluids to fluids, fluids to belly, fluids to sheets, or numb package to latex to insufficient clit bumpage to clumsy removal, knottage, and flushage.
13. Bonus step: Directions to door.

Now, that’s more like it. Naturally, the mangle (man angle) to the steps is slightly askew.

1. Eye to boobies and butt followed by elbow to buddy’s ribs.
2. Eye to left ring finger, which, if occupied, causes shoulders to shrug.
3. Money to bartender, drink to mating option.
4. Lies to mating option regarding current relationship and financial status as well as intentions.
5. Arm to leg just above knee, which may result in Nine West Pumps to package, hands to belly, and voice to higher octave.
6. Hand to hiney while other hand guards package (see step 5).
7. Hand to head, searching for clip-on horse hair.
8. Too much tongue to teeth. It happens.
9. Hand to breast with the intention of finger to nipple, which is often replaced with finger to bra fold.
10. Finger to honey pot, finger to upper lip, scent to nose, and the rest depends.
11. Body to body, begging to ears, more lies to ears, bending package to rings outside bulls-eye, condom to fingers, condom wrapper to teeth, condom on backwards, hard cock to semi-hard cock.
12. Tab A to Slot B, thoughts to grandma’s neck meat, fear of pregnancy and disease to black hole, thanks and praise to tequila, genetic goo to, well, it depends on if she’s a trooper.
13. Bonus step: man to bathroom, warm water to washrag, washrag (and apologies) to woman’s belly or hair, clothing search in darkness, woman to curb, man to blissful slumber, or
14. Bonus step: woman to bathroom, sperm to toilet water, woman to bed, woman’s back to soggy man-crotch, man’s nose to hair (which tickles), morning package stuck to skin or sheets, coffee to mug, mug to woman, phone call to boss, and repeat steps 6-12, minus the kissing.