New Year’s Eve – Your guide to drinking and delving.

2013Not that we need excuses to tip a few, but New Year’s Eve is usually on the festive end of the spectrum, so it’s an ideal time to get pickled. Naturally, everyone spends most of the time leading up to that first bubbly warning us about things we should avoid. Yes, we’re all aware that we shouldn’t drink and drive. Nor should we drink and purge–before midnight, at least. These go without saying. Nobody bothers to tell us things we should do. Well, allow me.

The first drink you order is critical. Find an attractive bartender, order a simple drink (something on the rocks, excluding peach schnapps), pay cash, and leave a 100% tip. This will set you up nicely for the rest of the evening when bar-blockers impede your path. Subsequent orders should be placed on a credit card, and the size of the final tip should depend upon the return on your initial investment.

Always carry a portable bar. Men, those inside pockets on your jackets are ideal for flasks and tiny bottles. Ladies, depending on the size of your purse, you could get an entire family inebriated. I recommend avoiding anything under 80-proof. You want the best bang for your unspent-at-the-bar buck. Clear liquids work best. I’d go with vodka, gin, rum, or tequila. Every time your beverage drops to 50%, hit the restroom stall and crack open one of those bad boys. Each trip saves you $10. That shit adds up.

Make sure you eat. My recent favorite is warm dates, stuffed with blue cheese, wrapped in bacon. If the host is unsophisticated, simply avoid anything with spinach and you should be fine. I’d avoid raw oysters and clams too, just in case you lose count of shots you’ve done, and wind up kneeling on a porcelain porch.

Hang around same-gender people who are older and less attractive as well as opposite-gender people who are lovely. This will give a wonderfully false impression, and make people wonder what’s so great about you. Curiosity opens many doors, seemingly closed by genetics.

Most importantly, you must position yourself very close to someone you’d like to kiss at midnight. It’s best if that someone is sans spouse, and a notch above your usual conquests. It’s a new year; you must have high ambition. If she’s cute and slightly teary-eyed while forcing a smile during the countdown, she’s an ideal target. She’s probably sad that she doesn’t have a special someone, and her friends are annoying the tinkle out of her with all the PDA with their new boos. Get close when the count is at ten, make eye contact at five, and lean in for a smooch at zero. Cover your nads with your left hand, just in case.

After the ball drops, you have an important decision to make. If you’re stuck driving, it’s best to leave at 12:01 or plan on sleeping in your car. If not, get your drunk on. Dancing will help the alcohol take effect sooner. Raise your hands up in the air, but check your armpits for sweat and deodorant stains before you do. This is also an ideal time for drug experimentation, especially if you have a hotel room. Begin rehearsing your first excuse of 2013, “I don’t recall anything except that I was quite drunk at the time.”

Happy New Year!

I’ll be fat for Christmas.

This is not the month to practice restraint. Baby carrots? Cottage cheese? Michelob Ultra? What? Not when there are bowls of these devilish delights called Pretzel M&Ms around. Why should we deprive ourselves? How much irreparable damage can we do in two, short weeks anyway? This will lead up perfectly to our New Year’s resolution. If we don’t pack pounds on now, the success of our resolution will be hard to measure.

Here are some goodies we need to seek and hoard, especially when fat Uncle Tommy is hovering near the buffet:

  • Cream cheese and salami roll-ups – These can easily be stacked like Jenga blocks and devoured.
  • Deviled eggs – Sprinkle some extra paprika on them and deliver an nasty egg burp to make your niece giggle.
  • Pot stickers – Who cares what’s inside? Dunk them in duck sauce and down the hatch!
  • Candy – This is why you have pockets. Make sure the coast is clear and load away. Left pockets are for jellybeans and right pockets are for chocolate. I’d avoid the nonpareils or you’ll be finding melted sugar dots in your slacks.
  • Sandwiches made from cheese cubes and Doritos – Throw in some ranch dressing for fun.
  • Artichoke dip – When fragile pita is foolishly served by an inconsiderate host, grab a spoon. Shovel in a lump of dip and then bite a stale pita crisp. Mission accomplished.
  • Meatballs – Wait a minute. Are you wearing white? Hm. OK, do not bite the meatball or you’re going to be wearing it. Shove the entire burger pop into your mouth. For added flavor, roll the tasty ball in red pepper flakes or parmesan.
  • Assorted Liquors – Nothing you drink at a party should be sans alcohol unless you’re pregnant. I suggest adding Bailey’s to your coffee. It’s more fun than creamer and only a few million calories.
  • Olives – Any host who serves plain olives is uncultured. Olives must be stuffed, and not just with boring pimentos. Pack them with bleu cheese, garlic, and anchovies. Don’t you dare wrinkle that nose, young lady. Anchovies are seafood, which even Dr. Oz says is good for you.
  • Pigs-in-a-Blanket – These take various forms depending which coast you are on. Halupkis (stuffed cabbage) are my favorite and I highly recommend them with a side of Beano.

Skip the gym, Sugarcookie. These two weeks of indulgences are your rewards for the goodies you passed up all year. As you perform your bedtime tooth-brushing, admire your handy work in the mirror and be proud of those jiggles. If you have a bed warmer, that fucker had better be on the same program or you’ll need to kick his vinaigrette-eating ass to the curb. I have little patience for skinny pricks during the holidays.

Now, mangia!