Sexual Olympics you should try tonight.

sexual olympicsAll right, folks, it’s time to spice up your love lives. Competition is exciting. Some of you may be too shy to have judges nearby (I am available and will work for wine), so I recommend events that can be scored objectively. I hope you learned a lesson from those evil badminton teams: no intentionally losing events or you will be punished. Speaking of punishment …

Event #1 – Spanking

  • The objective here is to cause impermanent reddening and heightened sensitivity. This is typically easier for the man to excel, especially in the doggie position. However, a skilled woman can slap an ass in missionary position as long as her ankles aren’t in the vicinity of her earlobes. Extra points are scored for the slab-grab maneuver. Deductions will be assessed for booby and testicle slapping.

Event #2 – Slicking

  • This requires props, so load up on oils and syrups. You’ll receive extra points if you use honey, whipped cream, and jelly. There are deductions for buffalo wing sauce. I’d consider throwing down a baby pool, but that’s just me and my pristine sheets.

Event #3 – Sneak Attack

  • Instead of the usual–we go to bed, you blow me some, I go down on you a bit, we hump for five minutes, squirt, and sleep–this event requires spontaneity (and the ladies likey). Sneak up on your mate in the parking lot of work, the gym, or the market. Toss your lover into the back seat and have at it. Bonus points will be given if it’s sunny. Deductions will be given if you have a convertible and you’re parked near a school.

Event #4 – Sexting

  • Search online for sexy phrases (Why reinvent the wheel?), and fire up that camera phone. Keep your face out of the pictures and always take shots from above, not below, as saggy things look less saggy that way. You’ll get bonus points if the privates in the pictures are engorged and you get deductions if they are not your privates.

Event #5 – Water Sports

  • How creative you get in this event depends on how large your tub and shower is. I advise against using the Slip-n-Slide in your backyard, as neighbors can be nosy. In a pinch you can use a hose and your garage. This event requires soap bubbles, and I insist you use “no tears” brands as bloodshot eyes, while they conceal imperfections, are not sexy. You’ll receive extra points if you wear nose plugs, can shave privates without nicks, and can massage a scalp during penetration. There are deductions for losing the soap and peeing.

 

Be thankful that you can enjoy these events without the annoying delayed broadcast, which keeps you up past your bedtime watching something while making believe you don’t know how it ends. In fact, it’s perfectly acceptable to have NBC’s Olympic coverage on during your events, especially if swimmer/diver chests and crotch bulges, or gymnast/volleyballer lower ass quadrants enhance your performance.

On your mark … get set … go!

Fornication location, location, location.

Are things becoming bland in your relationship? Is sex usually horizontal and routine, instead of vertical and extreme? Fear not! You don’t need drugs or therapy, Sweetiepeep. You need a gentle nudge. It’s time to consider doing it in places not typically designed for doing it. For the next thirty days, you are forbidden from having missionary-style sex on your bed. I don’t care if you feel you can only hit your peaks that way. Change it up!

I’m your SPS (Sexual Positioning System), and here is your suggested route, which will lead you away from drinking too much and having regretful sex with a neighbor or coworker:

Bathroom–more specifically bent over the sink, in the tub, in the shower, or on the toilet:

  • Good: Nothing is cushy, so nobody should fall asleep during it. You have various lotions available at arm’s length. Ooh, a razor. Look, a towel–what a handy baby-batter-picker-upper.
  • Bad: Toilet seats break. Tiles can leave odd marks on posteriors. You’ll notice those spots you missed. Mirrors are not always our friends. Try to avoid seeing your O-face.

Car:

  • Good: It reminds one of giddy teenage years. Music is conveniently close by. The woman has to do most of the work, as usual.
  • Bad: Leather seats make farting noises. Windows fog. The steering wheel and rear view mirror tend to get in the way.

Outdoors:

  • Good: The additional sensations of the elements, such as wind and dew. Fluids are disposed of in the most bio-friendly ways possible.
  • Bad: Sand, grass, or pebbles in ass crack. In a word: YouTube.

Pool or Hot Tub:

  • Good: Additional lubrication provided free of charge. Chlorine sterilizes, to a certain extent.
  • Bad: Floating sex goo and the possibility of encountering some that isn’t yours. Air bubbles are often assumed to be rising farts.

Kitchen:

  • Good: Access to sex aids, including food and frozen goodies. Counters are conveniently set at penis height, depending on your nationality.
  • Bad: I was looking forward to having cucumber slices on my salad, and now … ew, just ew.