Do you want to know a secret?

“This is fun. Tell me something about you that nobody else knows, Hank.”
“Are you sure?”
“Of course.”
“All right. While riding the commuter train, I like to put on sunglasses and stare at the chests of strange women, picturing how their breasts look.”
“OK, that’s creepy.”
“Ah, you see, it’s only creepy depending on the woman. As long as she is between eighteen and sixty, it’s fine …”
“Not really.”
“… if she’s also attracted to me.”
“Oh.”
“Seriously. If she’s attracted to me, she’ll find it flattering and possibly stimulating.”
“And if she’s not?”
“How am I supposed to know if a stranger is attracted to me? It’s just some harmless imagination on my part.”
“Still creepy.”
“Fine. Well, you asked. Your turn.”
“I like to eat dry cereal straight from the box while I watch TV.”
“Jesus.”
“What?”
“That’s a fucking secret nobody knows?”
“I’m a private person.”
“You suck at this game.”
“I do not.”
“Fine, I’ll continue with my thing until you get the hint. I stare at the boobs and wonder how lopsided they are and which one is bigger. I wonder if they’re O-shaped or U-shaped. I guesstimate the size and color of the areolas. I wonder if they have tan marks or moles.”
“This is how you spend your commute?”
“A-firm-a-tit … I mean, affirmative.”
“Sick.”
“If I told you my secret was that I spend my commute playing Words with Friends or checking if my retirement fund has reached zero yet, how exciting would that be?”
“I can bring myself to orgasm by squeezing an orthopedic pillow between my thighs.”
“…”
“Well, Hank?”
“I’m stunned.”