Ducking Swype – My Dirty Talk Misadventure

swype

Her

I kinda like the dirty talk

Me

Oh boy. I suck at it.

Me

I said suck ha ha

Her

I love getting my neck kissed.

Her

And wanna feel your hands on me.

Me

All right. Sign me up.

Her

Sign you up?! Ha ha. Come on that’s it?

Her

I think you wanna do more than that

Me

Ha ha oh you have no idea. Get back to work you nut before I throw you in a bathtub full of wine and drink you up. There

Her

Come on…gets me excited when u say what u wanna do

Me

Damn. Um. I want to drink tequila off your neck and feed you chocolate. I suck

Me

Can’t we just play candy crush or something?

Me

Every curse word i type Swype ducks up

Me

Ugh see???

Her

Lol. Is okay. We can work on it.

Her

I realized really turns me on when u said u liked grabbin my body

Me

Yes well that should have been evident by my um you know um hard duck

Me

Duck

Me

Duck fuck fuck

Me

Richard

Her

Lmfao! A+ for effort

Her

I was nervous before.

Me

You show this to your girlfriends and I’ll bite you in the cat.

Me

Not even attempting that one.

Me

I need dirty Swype

Her

Oh hell no!!! I never show txt to anyone. Why u think I was so worried before.

Her

Not my style.

Her

My life is mine.  Not up for public.

Me

Right right

Her

But wouldn’t be worried to introduce to my friends.

Me

You should be. I’m a sarcastic beast who doesn’t play well with otters.

Me

Duck

Me

Ducking animals fucking llama

Her

R u drunk?

Me

No this fucking Swype shit

Me

Hey it worked

Her

I’m really super stumped as to why you’re single?

Me

I’m single because I’m intolerant.

Her

Fuck. Whatever

Me

Ha ha

Her

You’re like pie

Me

Mud? Blueberry? Apple crumb

Me

Hair??

Her

Unless you were just turning all the charm on

Me

Oh I’m a genuine gentleman. I do what it takes.

Me

Wish we were Bakken in bed watching movies and eating crumpets

Me

Bakken???? Naked

Me

Duck

Her

Wow. I think u need a new phone.

Me

I need a dirty one

Her

Or ur drunk

Me

Nope midway through glass uno

Her

Then new phone it is. Ha ha ha

Me

I’m going to tie you up and throw champagne water balloons at your naked ass

Me

Lol that worked

Her

Well…how bout your gonna run your hands over my body and your tongue from my mouth to my….

Me

Oh my

Her

Wow really.  Swing and a miss! Lol

Me

Lower? Um your courteous

Me

Ha ha

Me

There’s no way this fucking thing is going to allow Curtis

Me

Ha ha

Me

Um little man in the pink canoe

Me

Duck

Her

Ok. lol how r u?!?!  This is gonna be like pullin teeth isn’t it

Me

The developers of Swype deserve to be kicked where they pee

Me

Yes I suck

Her

If it’s not your bag that’s okay.

Me

… in all the ways you want me to

Her

But it turns me on when you say what you wanna do with me

Me

All right. I’ll read up and practice on my cat.

Her

No!!!! Don’t read.

Me

That’s how I do. I’m going to spank you with a loaf of French bread.

Her

I know you’re intellectual and a gentleman but just relax and say what you’d like to feel and do.

Me

I’m going to butter your toes and coat them in Vichy flakes.

Her

U wanna spank me with French bread? Lol

Me

What the Chuck is Vichy? Coconut

Me

Ugh

Me

I hate this

Her

Is okay. Relax. I already like you.

Me

I’m going to eat doughnuts off your Bob’s

Me

Bob’s???? Chuck me

Me

This fucking phone

Me

I will slap you with a pita

Me

Wham

Her

No. You’re gonna kiss me until our lips are numb then your gonna run your tongue down my neck to nipples while your hands….

Me

I’ll dump honey on your back and play slip and slide

Me

I’ll shove ice cubes in your Assad

Me

Ha ha

Me

I’m getting the hang of it

Her

Lord I hope so. Lol

Her

If you say what you wanna do with me doesn’t make you less of a gentleman.

Her

You just know what you want.

Me

I’m going to shove my mediocre average sized manhood so deep into you that my balls are going to enter your small intestine.

Me

Somehow Swype gets that one. Go finger

Her

Well… We’ll work on it.

Me

Lol sorry

Her

Hahahahhahhaha

Her

Don’t worry. Just wanna know how u feel without the jokes.

Her

Is okay. Maybe you’re not comfortable like that yet.

Me

I’m going to fill you with so much soreness seemed that you will foam from the nose

Me

Jesus … spermless semen

Me

Ok, maybe I’m not comfortable

Me

I’m such a clown. Lo siento

Her

U have so much natural sex appeal.  Work with it.

Her

I’m not attracted to many men. But you were a shoe in. Don’t be afraid to say how you wanna be with me and what you’d like you’d like to do.

Me

All right well I’m flattered and I am highly teachable

Her

K. Well another night. Xoxo

Words to use between the sheets.

Are you a bedroom introvert or extrovert? I’m referring to verbal skills as opposed to oral or physical ones. If your partner is tossing a variety of compliments your way you can’t lie there without reciprocating–unless you have a mouthful. You can be proactive by using lines before your partner does and score points for originality. This is important, people, pay attention! Look how haywire things can go if you’re unprepared.

“Oh my God.”
“Yes.”
“That’s right, Baby.”
“Mmm.”
“I love your penis.”
“Me too.”
“Huh?”
“I mean I love your … um … insides?”
“Yes, yes, give it to me.”
“I’m giving it to you.”
“Fuck. Oh, yes.”
“Yes.”
“It feels so good.”
“I know.”
“God, you make me so wet.”
“You make me so wet with your … wetness.”

“CUT!”

Where’s the originality? Where’s the sincere appreciation within the verbal volley? They’d both enjoy it more if he were mute. In his defense, I need to ration my blood between brain and love muscle, so witty retorts aren’t always easy to come by. One needs to tread lightly on the freaky fringes as to not cause offense. 

  • Some women don’t mind being fucked like a dirty little schoolgirl and others will react by undocking and leaving him dangling.
  • If you ask, “You like that, don’t you?” there’s always a chance your partner will say, “No, not really, now that you mention it.”
  • “Who’s your daddy?” never works. Never!
  • Even if she actually works in such capacity, it’s probably not a good idea to refer to her as a ho.

What’s inevitable is one of the lovers will say something to the tune of “You’re so hot.” You can’t respond with, “No, you are.” Here are your choices:

  • “You’re so sexy.”
  • “You have an amazing body.”
  • “I love the way you feel.”
  • “I wish I could spend the entire night inside you.”
  • “Did you catch the score of the Suns game?”

I don’t want anything F’d out of me.

I’m sorry. I’d rather not have anything F’d out of me, aside from the obvious. Is that odd? Why do people use such terms?

“I’m going to F his brains out.”

“I’ll F the S out of her.”

It sounds somewhat gross to me. Naturally, I’m taking things too literally as I often do. My mind ventures into a scene where she’s bouncing away on top of me as the mattress squeals and I try to hold in my Orange Chicken. Finally, she has overwhelmed me, I lose control, and crap the sheets while a tiny bit of brain shoots from my ear onto the nightstand.

 

“There. I told you. I just F’d the S out of you and banged your brains out.”

“You’re proud of this?”

“Yes.”

“Look, there are so many other S-words I wouldn’t mind F’d from me. There’s sperm, semen, sweat, snot, and even spit. Of all the S-words, why that one?”

“It’s just a figure of speech. You don’t want me to say I’ll F the sperm out of you, do you?”

“Not if you’re ovulating.”

“You know what I mean.”

“It all sounds odd and unfair. Conversely, I can’t F anything out of you, can I?”

“I guess not. Well, a baby, but that’s a delayed reaction.”

“Horrors.”

“I guess some women ejaculate, so it is possible.”

“Great. Next time I’ll warm you up by saying I’m going to F the milky white pussy snot out of you.”

“Lovely.”

Quiet lovemaking is what I long for: no words–just moans, grunts, and sighs. I’ll give a pass to directions. We could all use those. Future bedmates, take all the liberties you want with “To the left, right, harder, softer, faster, slower, and kindly get the F off my hair.” Please don’t F anything out of me. Please don’t refer to me as Papi or Daddy and don’t refer to yourself as a bad girl, slut, ‘ho, or a dirty anything. Keep it clean!

___k

I’m conservative at times. Yes, I’m a liberal skeptic. I’m writing about between the sheets. Sex to me feels fine without the addition of some things that I frankly find humorous, awkward, or downright painful. I’m not alone on this island. Ask your man if he wants his balls nibbled. Go ahead; I’ll wait. See?

Here’s a recent lovemaking session:

“Yes … yes … ___k my pussy.”

My mind goes to work. (It runs on propane. Beware of fumes.)

Wow, that could be one of a variety of things.

  • Fuck
  • Lick
  • Like
  • Kick (nope, scratch that one)
  • Poke
  • Flick
  • Stick
  • Rock
  • Ask
  • Dick

The problem is thoughts don’t traverse my waxy brain matter as quickly as they used to. I can’t see well enough to read her lips and I can’t hear well enough to figure out what she wants. Then logic kicks in. Logic, while refined near fifty, still ain’t right because I’m still male.

Ah, I got it. Her pussy is getting slightly dry because of all of the great sex I’m giving her so she wants me to go down on her and “lick” her pussy. I can do that.

Ten seconds later, she’s grabbing me by the ears, pulling me from the chilly ocean. Now, I’m quite miffed. Either she did not mean “lick” or I really suck at eating pussy. I can’t possibly suck so much that she won’t give me a minute, for Meg Ryan’s sake. It must be something else.

Shit. I can’t think about this too much or I’m going to wind up stuffing a spring snake into a can. (Those of you not nearly as ancient as I am will not get the analogy because you did not grow up with what was quite possibly the greatest prank of all time: the coiled snake in a can. Google that shit.)

Obviously, she just wants me to fuck her pussy. Duh. I can do that. In fact, I can get nasty talkie while I do it too.

“Yeah baby. I’m fucking your pussy.”
“Yes, yes. ___k my pussy.”
“I am.”
“Do you?”
“Huh?”
“___k my pussy?”
“I am!”

Oh, shit. Now what? Jesus. It shouldn’t be this complicated. Can’t people just fuck quietly? I don’t mind some moaning and pleadings toward imaginary deities. These kinky words leave me speechless. I suck at it. Isn’t there a book available with ready-made terms, which I can memorize and deploy as required? I have a Kindle, damn it, and I will buy that fucking eBook mid-stroke.

“Do you want me to lick your pussy?”
“No.”
“Baby, tell me what you want.”
“___k my pussy.”
“Can I buy a vowel?”
“What?”
“Honey, I can’t figure out what you’re saying. I’m sorry.”
“LIKE, you ass. I’m asking if you LIKE my pussy. In other words, tell me how much you like my pussy, which will boost my esteem and get me much closer to orgasm.”
“Like? Heck, I LOVE your pussy.”
“Well, that’s nice, but when I have to explain it to you, it takes away from the moment. You know?”
“Shit.”
Yep. Hand me the remote.