Think of Trump as the man who just proposed to you, his woman (US citizens). He convinced you to accept his marriage proposal by:

• Telling you how awful your ex-boyfriend treated you, and insisting he left you in a horrible condition.
• Promising to fix you, because he has fixed numerous similar women.
• Promising to protect you from evil people, insisting you hire someone to fence in your yard.
• Promising to keep you healthy.
• Insisting he’s the best man in the world for you.

Naturally, you asked to check these claims by doing a background check and speaking to his ex-girlfriends. Although he has checked yours, he won’t allow you to check his background, and insists all his ex-girlfriends lie.

As your wedding day approaches, you hear from numerous people that he’s cheating on you with a coworker. Anytime you ask your fiancé about it, he gets angry, screams at you, says they are lies, and demands you identify who told you this. He suggests you ask his best friends. You ask them. They defend him. Then, you receive “anonymous” emails naming her and detailing his affairs. You ask your fiancé about her. He says how wonderful she is, but denies sleeping with her. He suggests that you could be great friends with her.

You try to shrug it off. Then, you find numerous charges on his card at a florist, Tiffany, and Victoria’s Secret. You’ve received nothing from there. You ask you fiancé about the charges. He says they’re fake. Must be fraud. You look out your window during this argument and could swear you see his coworker sitting in her car in front of your house. You point her out. He says you’re paranoid. She drives off.

You check his phone and find numerous salacious text messages from numerous women. He insists his phone was hacked. You demand he delete these ex-girlfriends’ contacts from his phone. He agrees only to give that phone to his best friend, and use a new one.

Many of your friends and family members suggest you look more closely before marrying him. You’re worried it would increase his anger. You look in the mirror and begin to see the flaws he constantly points out. You fear he may be right.

You trust him.

You marry him.

He continues promising, yet delivering nothing he promised. He’s distant. He takes numerous business trips without you. More anonymous tips claim he is sleeping with his coworker. You ask for his phone. He refuses. You ask to check his emails. He refuses. You find he has opened his own credit card account. You ask to see it. He refuses. He continues telling you how flawed and paranoid you are. He insists you stop listening to liars.

What will you do?

I found this cool app for my Amazon Fire that allows me to stream all sorts of goodies and baddies. I admit to enjoying a bit of pornographic material, and the app gives me a window into a new world of erotica. Just when you think you’ve seen it all, along comes a new way to get off: Video Chat Masturbation.

Yes, I realize (you fellow perv) that video sex chatting is nothing new. The new part of this is the addition of a wonderful device called the Lovense Blue Tooth Remote Control Vibrator—another device rendering my gender obsolete. In case you’re paranoid about searching it, allow me to describe it. It’s a silicone thing that has an internal part and a tail, which is an antenna. The internal part is designed to sit against her g-spot while the pink tail antenna sits outside awaiting instruction.

The device gets paired up to your phone. Then, you (or a very lucky fellow near you) can control the vibration pattern and intensity with the app. You sit on the sofa with a bowl of frozen yogurt, complaining that I watch too much MSNBC. I tap my app and buzz you through the roof. Fun! The cats enjoy spilled yogurt; I enjoy Rachel Maddow.

Where this becomes more interesting is when the device is used in coordination with a Chaturbate. Exceptionally driven and entrepreneurial ladies can sign up, log in, point the camera, lube up, insert Lovense, and begin making money. Viewers buy tokens, which they use to tip the viewee. When tipping, those tokens each cause sounds that make the Lovense vibrate for one second—more tokens, more vibration, more fun for the whole family.

I’m sure there are conservative types (who shouldn’t have made it this far into my book) finding this whole thing disturbing. Tough titty! There’s absolutely no harm in slapping a g-spot remotely. And, there’s no harm in a girl making a few extra dollars to help cover the ridiculous expense of maintaining good looks. So, stop judging.

There are men, women, couples, and transgenders from numerous countries, so no matter your preference, you’ll probably find something that tickles you.

(It may sound like I’m promoting this site, but I’m not. It’s just fascinating to me. We need more sex and less violence. Better it is to beat off than beat up.)

If I can click my mouse and deliver an orgasm to a Ukrainian lovely, what’s the harm? I’m sure Trump will attempt to tax tokens flowing out of the country, but until that day, tip away!

Think of the future as this technology improves. Heck, self-driving cars are here. Didn’t think I’d see that in my lifetime. These remote vibrators are going to become stealthier and more customizable. Imagine a bar full of women with the latest, greatest orgasm delivery system, sized perfectly to hit the g-spot and clit with the ideal intensity, concealed neatly under jeans, all attached to the bar’s Wi-Fi. Instead of using Wi-Fi to check ESPN highlights, men can connect to dozens of vaginas. Heck, we can get the bartenders and servers involved.

“Here’s a couple two-tree dollars for that bourbon, and—*ding* *ding* *ding*—three diddles for your lady fiddle. Cheers!”

In any shitty situation, remember that shittiness can be overcome and forgotten with a strong finish. This year may have started with financial and marital woes, but ended with a promotion and exciting new lover. The good stuff was made better by all the bad stuff leading up to it.

Without becoming too self-helpy, let me offer us both some encouraging words for the new year ahead.

1. You’re fucking awesome. Why? Well, because you have a sense of humor. You made it this far into my lump of sarcasm without tossing it into the shred pile. You giggled and nodded. (I saw you. Look over your right shoulder. Hi, there! I know. Creepy. Sorry.) That marvelous sense of humor of yours will serve you well as you shrug off minor setbacks in expectation of better things to come.
2. The most attractive among us will die first … and hungry. Stop forcing rabbit food down your throat when there’s cheesecake on the menu. Stop destroying your joints running marathons. Wear your wrinkles and curves proudly—you’ve earned them.
3. Rich people need all that money to buy lawyers and pills. They’re not happy; they’re depressed. The larger your stack of cash, the more time you spend worrying about somebody taking it. Your goal should be to die with the largest debt possible and $0 in your bank accounts. It would prove you lived your life to its fullest.
4. You don’t control how people feel about you, so fuck ’em (in the nicest way). When people are mean, walk away. They’re not worth defending yourself. Next!
5. Enjoy your own company. Stop looking for other people to complete you. You’re done just right. You’re lightly glazed, salted, and browned to perfection. Now, if there’s a delicious side, which would complement you, add it. We should all seek bilateral emotional enhancement.
6. Do the unexpected. Pay the tab of the person behind you in the Starbucks line. Pull over at a busy intersection and dance with a sign twirler. Start a food fight. Ask someone you have no attraction to out for drinks. Then, marvel as their cuteness grows with every drink (kind of like a Chia Human). Call your uncle just because you were thinking of him.
7. Watch more sunsets and sunrises.
8. Sleep in. Note: This may be in direct conflict with #7, but there are apps and websites. Remember, the sun is always setting and rising somewhere.
9. Unsubscribe from all those emails. Look at your inbox. (Go ahead. I gotta pee anyway. Meet you back here in a few.) How many emails did you get today? 100? More? How many of those were useful? Clear the electronic clutter that bogs you down and wastes your time. I realize lots of emails, Facebook likes, etc. feed your ego. But, it’s your time and attention they’re hoarding.
10. Every heartbreak is one step closer to love. Don’t avoid heartbreak; seek it. Fall in love quickly and often. Heck, get it out of the way on the first date. Tell him you love him, and it’s his responsibility to appreciate it or lose it.

Develop a strong case of amnesia around all things shitty. Remember only the good. Finish strong, my dear. Hold up your big blue “W.” You are a lovable WINNER.

Very few women read books designed to help men find mates. That’s a shame. I’m sure they’d find them sometimes insightful and often funnier than anything I can come up with. I’m always looking for other perspectives, so I devour these books and audio books like popcorn. What have I learned? Nothing. I’m still single.

One suggestion I did take to heart was to place myself in situations where there is an abundance of target women without a saturation of fellow predators. I’m not moving to Manhattan. Another suggestion was yoga classes.

I’m not spiritual at all. My imaginary friends disappointed me, so I evicted them. The spiritual base of yoga was always a main reason for my avoidance. Another is my lack of grace. I fear my imbalance would cause me to tumble into a cascade of domino-ing damsels.

Groupon has a special on yoga classes within a mile of my house. It’s right next to a favorite vodka dispenser of mine. Maybe I should get a head start on all the New Year’s resolutions. “Sign up, Philsy. What could it hurt?”

So, I did.

When I showed up fifteen minutes early for the beginner class, the instructor instantly knew how uncomfortable I was. Guess I had that please-don’t-cripple-me look. She pointed me toward the mat, blocks, and pad. I took them to the far corner, de-shoed and de-socked myself, and watched the march of the yoga pants (in my head, to the tune of “Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy”).

The lovely Brazilian instructor began the class. The woman next to me warned that I might want to grab a towel as things can get sweaty. I thanked her and said I’d avoid lawn-sprinklering.

The music started. It sounded like Gregorian chants—not the Metallica I had hoped for. Then there was an odd tone and bell bongs. The yogi was rubbing this large rocks glass with an extra large cotton swab. Naturally, all I could think of was the better uses for such, including home for a salt-rimmed margarita.

I managed to twist and turn my corpse-in-training into many of the poses. Others required her to “adjust” me. A few times the sound of my joints popping shocked her. Other times I assured her my body simply could not do the things she asked of it.

As I looked around the room, hoping nobody was pointing and laughing, I reminded myself why I had shown up: women. There were lots of women, and one other man. The thing the books failed to mention is something I realized quickly: women are not there to meet men, and any advance made by such would be result in stink face and likely stink foot in ass.

Fine. I’ll stretch.

At the end, she had us lie there and relax while she placed cool lemon water towels on our foreheads. When she got to me, she de-slouched my shoulders, and plopped the towel on my brow. I relaxed and dreamed of infused martinis: “Dance of the Sugar Rimmed Goose.”

Met a fine pair of self-described middle-aged women last night. That term “middle-aged” bugs me. I don’t mind being young or old, because those are based on my relative age to the describer. But, when someone calls me “middle-aged,” they are implying they know how long I will live. Doubt I’ll make it to 110, so maybe I’m two-thirds-aged.

Anywho, these two lovelies also described themselves lost in the sense that they are at an awkward dating age. They’re approached either by young boys or old men. Men their age want young women, so they look right past the beauty before them.

That’s kind of sad.

The ladies went on to explain that young boys want middle-aged women because the boys assume they come with experience—know their way around a ding dong, so to speak. Also, boys expect these women to be in touch with their needs and desires, and have no problem communicating them without all those confusing emojis.

Old men (they placed at 60-65) want the middle-aged women because they need women who can take care of them—know their way around the kitchen, so to speak. Also, these are usually not the rich old men, since those slobs still chase around young skirts willing to curtsy at the sight of fast cars and job titles. The old men who want the middle-aged women are aware of their hastened slide toward ashes and dust.

Alone is no way to die, but we all die alone … unless Trump gets us nuked.

As I age, I see young girls as pretty to look at, nice to hold, and mentally exhausting to maintain. I can appreciate a Ferrari without owning one. Plus, I like sleeping. Young girls are in the bathroom finishing up getting ready for a night on the town. I’m in there scratching my ass while taking the first of three slumber pisses.

“Have fun, sweetie. Be a darling and take off your heels before staggering upstairs when you get home. Daddy needs his ugly sleep.”

The more I speak to the forgotten women, the more I reassure myself that this is an island I need to visit. Sure, there’s an attitude. These ladies do know what they want and don’t want. They have no problem insisting I open doors and send zero dick pics. It’s not that they neglect their looks; they obsess less about them. They replace vodka Red Bull with a snifter of fine tequila.

They mentioned a third type of man who does notice them: married. This man is bored with his ponderous sex life, and is looking for a testosterone boost without all the nasty side effects. Fortunately, these women are tuned to such and able to avoid the silliness. They empathize with the wife’s neglected love button and cast the married men from their shores toward Slutty Barbieland.

So, I found out which woman was single, and I asked her out. She said, “sure,” and gave up the digits. What a fine, age-appropriate souvenir for me! Let’s hope we enjoy numerous rides between her land and the place I call home: Nice Guy Island.

The term “young lady” changes meaning as I age. I’ve revised my calculation to this: If she could be my daughter, she’s young and, to her, I’m old. There’s no judgment associated. Let’s call it classification, shall we? She’s not a different species, because I could still mate with her. So, if she were to refer to me as a dinosaur, that would be a false classification. Humans can’t fuck dinosaurs. Never could. Not even West Virginians.

Where am I going with this?

Just want to set the proper mental scene for you before I tell the sad story of an abandoned dinosaur, I mean puppy—me. You see, I met a young lady with unoccupied seat next to her next to me in my office (bar). I took advice from all the relationship help audio books I have been consuming, and initiated idle chit chat. She responded, although somewhat guarded. I slid closer, attempting to convince her of my innocent lovability.

She was new to the area. I was old to the area. I offered to escort her on a tour of fine sights and establishments in the form of dive bars with cheap beer sold in dirty glasses. I took a chance there. She was wearing sneakers, so I inferred a local IPA would do. My wallet sighed relief.

I usually begin feeling out prospects with the following:

“How are you finding the dating scene here on the left coast?”

“Um, strange.”

“How so?”

“It usually goes like this. I meet a new guy. We hit it off well. We hang, we drink, we dance. Then, he disappears. No number exchange. No reason. Poof!”

“Ah. That is strange. Look, I won’t do that to you. Promise.”

What this dinosaur/puppy should have considered, however, is the likelihood that she would use this opportunity to get back at boys who ghosted her. She took me from my cage, tickled my chin, and played fetch (beer). Then, just when I was pee-puddle excited to have a snuggle buddy, she placed me back in my dog pound cage and drove away.

Didn’t even get a chance to lick her.

Before you start a Go Fund Me campaign to keep me from the doggie ovens, rest assured that my calloused heart is fine here alone. I’ll not whimper, whine, and claw at my cage. I’ll simply wait patiently for the next adopter with emotional vacancy to consider me.

It’s weird to greet women I meet with my hand extended. Thanks to our Pervert in Chief elect, women often react to that by covering their cats, not extending their hands. I won’t bother trying to kiss the back of a hand. My nose doesn’t need more deviation. So, it seems, the thing to do is make myself a cuddly bear by extending arms and offering a hug.

It is important, my male readers, that we go about the hug properly. Much like when going south on a lady, we are rarely going to get verbal clues. The safest approach for us is to wrap only the right arm around her, targeting her right shoulder blade with the right hand. Our chin should rest near her left shoulder, at least four inches from her neck and ear. If you are sporting fuzzy chin as I, be mindful of Velcro-ing her mane. The only contact should be your right shoulder with her left and the aforementioned chin and right hand things. Torsos and legs should not meet. Feet should not be stepped upon. (I’ve fucking done this. Hated myself for weeks after. Call me “Frankenphil.”)

Please don’t make any weird grunting noises or groans while hugging her—so fucking creepy. In fact, hold your breath. She doesn’t want her shoulder smelling like your happy hour draft beer. You can add two or three pats on her shoulder blade. That’s a nice touch. Don’t do it with a clenched fist, and remember she’s a delicate flour, not a running back in the end zone.

“How long should a hug last?” I’d say two seconds. No need to use your iPhone timer, silly. Just do the mental one one-thousand, two one-thousand, then back away.

Now, the most important part: interpreting how she approaches the hug. I’m assuming you’ve gotten past, “Aw, hell no you don’t.” The embrace has ensued. If she whimpers like your puppy at the vet, that’s not good. Release the embrace immediately, apologize, and leave. If she submits to your borderline physical abuse, here are things she might do to offer you a clue:

1. She may nuzzle in to your neck. Bully for you, young man. I’m hoping you placed a dab of something nice-smelling on your neck this morning. No, not Axe. Try something oaky.
2. She may back away. Chalk this one up in the “Women I’ll Never Have Sex With” column. Learn from it. Next time you see her, wave.
3. She may move closer and straddle your leg. Holy fucking shit, brother. ’Tis quite a good day to be you—well, of course unless she happens to be related. Let’s assume she shares no genes. It was awfully generous of her to give you hints of things to come. Don’t ruin in by lifting your leg. A clitoris cannot be properly stimulated with a knee. Nay. Just take it, deposit the memory into your spank bank, and determine her level of intoxication before proceeding.
4. She may cry. Jesus. This is horrible. Sorry, my brother. I got nothing. Could be any number of reasons, one of which is not how happy she is to have rubbed against your baby-arm-sized manhood. Let her leak. Deal with it. Drink more.

Again, the most important thing to remember when going in for the hug is that you’re being slightly aggressive and creepy, but you’re also being a risk-taker. Chicks dig that.

Angry white boys spoke up and put the angry orange boy in the White House. Nobody likes dealing with angry people, but some of us are required to deal with them in the form of politicians, customers, reviewers, bosses, lovers, and family members. You can’t avoid most of those, but you certainly can remove angry lovers from your life.

The problem is many people don’t realize they have an angry lover. They think it’s normal to deal with fits and rage. Only when you’re dealing with an infant, is it normal. Otherwise, you need to shut that shit down before the mental abuse escalates into physical abuse.

If you’re unsure you’re dealing with an angry boy, allow me to give some examples.

When watching sports, and his team loses:

• ANGRY – Yell at the TV and throw things.
• NICE – Shrug and have another buffalo wing.

While driving behind a slow car in the passing lane:

• ANGRY – Throw up his hands and call the driver names.
• NICE – Sign, turn on his signal, pass on the right, and ignore the driver.

When unhappy with the food he ordered:

• ANGRY – Demand to speak with (yell at) the manager or chef, and get a refund.
• NICE – Don’t eat it. Don’t order it next time.

When he catches you masturbating:

• ANGRY – Demand to know who you were fantasizing about, and yell, “Gross!”
• NICE – Offer his assistance.

When you offer navigation suggestions:

• ANGRY – Insists he knows where he is going and tells you to shut up.
• NICE – Thanks you and offers to finger bang you, unless the kids are in the back seat.

When a pretty girl walks by:

• ANGRY – Leers and denies doing so.
• NICE – Notices, appreciates, and remarks about how beautiful you are.

When he makes a mistake:

• ANGRY – Reminds you of a mistake you made.
• NICE – Laughs and blames it on alcohol and age induced brain damage.

I could go on, but I assume you are getting the picture because you are exceptionally insightful. Oh, and I love those jeans. Are they new? My god, your ass is heavenly. Let’s drink wine and watch The Nutcracker. Want to? Ah, you’re the best. What did I do to deserve you? Lucky me. Hey, how about a foot rub? Dang, I love you so much, dear reader. Smooches. (Insert three or four emojis here.)

My reaction when people proudly say they’ve quit drinking is, “Good for you. More for me.” Same reaction when they quit gluten and bacon. Look, I’m not saying drinking is good for you—it’s good for me. As long as I don’t drive, pee in a planter, or puke in your cat box, what’s the harm?

Well, yes, my head and liver are reminding me right now. One more cup of coffee and they’ll shut up.

I visit this trendy pub last night. It’s self-service. I hand over my ID and credit card. They give me a wristband with a chip. I grab a glass, head to the taps, scan my chip, and dispense the social lubrication. No nurse (server), no doctor (bartender) to monitor my dosage. I prescribe myself. Pretty girls, flat screens, and 50+ beer syringes—lots of reasons to be thankful.

The monkey wrench comes in the form of Little Miss Yoga Pants. She’s not with me, but she’s within earshot. She’s drinking Kombucha (fermented fruit—like smoking weed without THC). She hasn’t had a drink in six months. She feels wonderful—like a new woman. She’s working out five days a week, and signing up for her first half marathon. She’s a walking Facebook post.

I feel like joining that group and giving them my status update.

“I’ve been drinking since 1979. I can still manage to work and throw baseballs. Alcohol has left a few bruises, but has also added spice to a life less interesting. Cheers, fuckers!”

Pop drank a lot. He overdid it. Guess he passed down that high-performance liver to me. I’d like to think I have my drinking more under control. I don’t have a wife or son to tell me otherwise. On his death bed in a VA hospital, you know what he wanted? A six-pack of Budweiser. You might think that’s sad. No, that’s not sad. What is sad is that I didn’t immediately fetch him that six-pack. He only had a few months to go. What harm would six beers do?

Now, that’s one of my life’s biggest regrets. Sorry, Pop.

My point is, we aren’t drinking alcohol to slowly commit suicide. We’re drinking to make the good a little better and the bad more bearable. We know it’s poison, but it’s not killing us. Life is killing us.

I don’t think it’s worth quitting. Heck, we’d just replace the booze with something else—hobbies, pets, or church. Nah. Drink up. Crush a maraschino into a fine bourbon. Sip. Now, tell me that isn’t heavenly.

Every news channel is showing crowded airports. ’Tis the season to wait in lines. The new addition this year is this ridiculous thing called “The Comfort Dog.” Yes, this partly because I’m a cat man and partly because anything other than a comfort panda is just plain silly. Are these tiny, wet-nosed, black-gummed, gooey-eyed face lickers supposed to distract us from the fact that we’re about to fly 500 MPH in an aluminum tube crammed with human sardines?

I suppose.

I asked my cat, Symon, if he wanted to give back to the community by volunteering to be an airport comfort cat.

“Oh, you’re a hoot.”

“No, seriously. I can throw a leash on you and take you to the Southwest terminal. Think of all the yoga pants you could shed upon.”

“Dude. I’m a fucking cat. Let’s read from this handy dandy cat manual. Hm. Page three, paragraph two: ‘Cats don’t do car rides. Cats don’t play fetch. And, most of all, cats don’t like crowds of smelly humans.’”

“So, that sounds like a no.”

“It’s a fuck no. You go do it. Go be a comfort human. Just leave an open can of tuna and your pride behind.”

Never liked him much, that Symon.

Then again, perhaps, comfort human isn’t inconceivable. Isn’t that the role clowns play? They dress silly and lighten the mood. Heck, I could do that without the wig, makeup, spotted outfit, and bike horn. I could just be wacky me and strike up pleasant conversations with tourists.

“Hi, there. I’m Phil, the comfort human. Let’s chat. Can I sit on your lap? It works better this way.”

“Ew. No. Down, boy!”

“Fine. Say, can I have one of those pretzel bites? I’m starving.”

“No.”

“All right. So, where you headed? Home for the holidays? Turkey time?”

“Seattle. Yes, meeting family.”

“Got any racist uncles?”

“Um, no.”

“How about slutty cousins?”

“No.”

“How boring. Here’s an idea. Blow off that boring tradition. Let’s find a local dive and overdose on bourbon and tater tots.”

“No. Bad human. Shoo.”

I began driving for Uber to get me out of the house, meet people, and make funds much needed to upgrade from propane-tasting vodka to something better. I’ve been avoiding the 2am drunk-ass rides for obvious reasons, so I’m happy to report most of my riders are quite nice. In fact, I picked up a woman yesterday who needed a lift to LAX. That’s a 90-mile ride. Conversation ensued. Naturally, she asked what else I do for money.

“I write humorous books about dating and relationships.”

“Oh. Let me look you up.”

“Naw. Here’s a book. I keep them in my glove box, just in case. I must warn you: There are dirty words and sarcasm inside.”

She opened the book and began reading. I was horrified. You’d think a somewhat narcissistic prick like me would be apathetic about her reaction. Yet, I kept glancing in my rearview anxiously awaiting smiles and chuckles. There were none. Her reaction was like I had just laid a tritonal hardboiled egg fart and rolled up the windows.

“I don’t believe this is you. You seem so nice in person.”

Ah, the irony of it all. I explained that the “nice guy” thing was my volley of sarcasm. I defended my honor by assuring her about my niceness. There were twenty miles to go. I couldn’t have her diving out of a moving vehicle.

“Sorry. Just my attempt at humor on those pages.”

“Are you single?”

“Duh.”

“Don’t you want a girlfriend?”

“Double duh.”

“Then, why would you write things to scare women away?”

Balls!

There was no defending it. Nothing I could say would make her believe Ms. Right-For-Me would become dewy over my prose. After many frustrations, I have learned that we can’t change taste and preference; We can only respect a person’s right to have them.

This is a lovely woman, married 20+ years, with six children. She loves her husband and children, and can’t begin to fathom a love search through my eyes. She’s not my audience. I should know better.

Or, maybe she’s right. Maybe I should be nicer. I should tame my frustrations, control my anger, and put out a kinder, gentler version of myself to attract the love life people say I deserve. Sure, that would be somewhat disingenuous, but it would certainly make the dating forest more fertile.

Let me try: “Hi. I’m Phil. You’re adorable. I’m ready for love. Give me a chance. I’ll cherish you eternally.”

Ick. Fucking ick.

Yes, I’m talking to you, sexy ladies. You criticize men for being shallow when selecting mates. We are, absolutely. In fact, we can’t override our instincts with logic when sex is involved. Guilty. But, as immature as we are, men rarely sleep with a woman based on her social standing or perception thereof. I can’t get my dick hard for an unattractive billionaire, CEO, or mayor. Not possible.

Am I wrong? Have you ever slept with a man you did not consider sufficiently attractive when you first met him to straddle his privates? He talked your jeans off. His watch, clothes, car, home, or job title popped button after button until you found yourself on your back trying to justify it in your mind while the slug breathed heavily on your neck.

You created our president elect.

Some will see this as a jealous rant by a dirty old man who is losing his grip on sexy young things. Fair enough. Like I said, my biology sends me toward the healthiest mate to spread my genes. It’s natural—ewy, at times, but natural. Just like it is also natural for women to seek the best provider and protector. The problem is, whereas my nature may create some embarrassed ladies with low self-esteem and daddy issues, your nature just elevated someone who is expressly and absolutely against most of your interests into the ultimate position of power.

That really sucks. If you don’t realize it yet, you will.

Take Cheeto Mussolini’s wife. If she were single, visiting the states, and the bartender was a seventy-year-old blowhard with a horrible comb over and spray tan, what are the chances she would hook up with him? Um, fucking zero. No chance, no way, no how. If she so much as flirted with him, her besties would pull her away from the bar, slap some sense into her, and force her to drink lattes until she sobered up.

Come on, ladies, you worked so hard to get closer to equal footing with man-apes. Are you ready to roll back all that progress for a beast bearing gifts? Please tell me otherwise.

If you voted for Trump, you made a mistake. It’s like when you slept with your friend’s father who was twenty years older with a gray, hairy back and tube socks in leather mandals. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Maybe you were mad at someone, drunk, high, or feeling vulnerable because Sean left you for that slut five years younger than you. Whatever the reason, you did it, and you regret it. Well, regret is not enough. You sold your soul to the tangerine tiny-handed crypt keeper. Now, you had better buy your soul back or get used to pussy grabbin’.

“How do we repent?” you ask. Look, if I sleep with a woman who shouldn’t have slept with me, I shrug it off proudly. Her lack of taste hurts me and my brothers not. I may even shine my nails on my chest and boast to the swine about my concubine. You, ladies, need to own it as well. Admit to yourself and your friends (fuck, post it on Facebook) that you mistakenly marginalized yourself due to your genetic attraction toward power. Then, vow to fight that urge and unfuck us all before powerful men grow stronger and hasten the apocalypse.

Since our president-elect has mastered the art of grabbing a woman by her pussy, I thought it would be only fair for me to provide some guidance around grabbing men. Lord knows, it should be much easier. I mean, it’s kind of just hanging there like a handle. It screams, “Pull me!” Heck, I bet most people could do it blindfolded.

To be fair, the art of grabbing a penis if often affected by the elements. I’ll be sure to cover each in depth below. These usually don’t apply to pussy grabbing. Consider grabbing a penis in a walk-in freezer. That little fucker (tee hee) will require precise maneuvers. Conversely, a pussy doesn’t shrink in cold weather, does it? Nope. The method remains like the bowling ball grip: Thumb up, middle and ring fingers curled, pinky and index fingers extended. Thumb extension helps prevent accidentally poking the anus. The extended fingers act like the walls of a bobsled course, keeping you centered.

Enough about the obvious. Let’s learn how to grab a penis, shall we?

First, in cold weather, it is best to approach pimple penis as you would a zipper tab. Or, think about how you’d tweak a nipple. Curl your thumb and index finger, space them one inch, extend arm toward crotch, grab, and yank gently. Repeat until other fingers become necessary. If they don’t, giggle, Purell your hand, and leave.

If the target penis is beneath tight jeans, this will require some reconnaissance. You must determine if the shlong is dangling left or right of the seam. If it’s dark just assume it’s right (which is your left, silly). Best to make eye contact with the penis carrier to keep him distracted. Ask him a jock-wannabe question, such as, “Hey, is Connor McGregor the top pound-for-pound fighter of all time?” This penis, since constricted, requires a full open-handed approach. Cup the crotch like a grapefruit, squeeze gently to confirm the angle of the dangle, then grab firmly. Best not to yank. I suggest rubbing. Yanking may cause beer spillage.

For sneak attacks (oh, these are my favorite), it is best to approach from behind. Let’s say you’re at the gym. This an ideal place for cock-grabbery. Find an ape wearing shorts who is standing at a machine full of cables. Once he begins his exercise, make your approach. The thing to keep in mind here is that his stanky ass and balls are in the way. That means you’ll need to use more arm and wrist action. I find it best to drop to a knee behind him (a la the Kaepernick douche stance). Use the same arm as the knee that’s down, extend inside his knee, and curl upwards. Try to align your wrist with his oniony testes. That should place your palm mid-sausage.

Finally, how does one grab a sleeping penis? This must be done gently and, unless you’re wearing a helmet and facemask, I recommend this also be done from behind. This will be an around-the-torso maneuver as opposed to the tween-legger. Tilt your head down in case he jerks his head back to avoid breaking your nose. Lift the sheets. Steady yourself then snake your arm around him, hovering around six inches above his hip. Extend fingers at the top of his boxers. Slide your hand through his waistband, and you go get that love snake, girly! Mm, hmm.

*Disclaimer: Don’t do this to children or Republicans.

Met a lovely specimen Saturday who recently booted her spouse of twenty years. Instead of eagerly anticipating a new sex toy attached to a less complacent man, she seemed frightened. Where would she meet men? At bars? Should she join a dating site? Get another dog?

As a wily veteran who was once in her stilettos (figuratively … except than one Halloween I purged from my memory), I offered a few tips.

“You need to learn phrases you’re going to hear from men penetrating you, and their true meaning.”

“Really?”

“Indeed. Also, you’ll need to memorize a few phrases you’ll need to deploy.”

“Such as?”

“Say, for instance, you meet a handsome fellow who causes a tingle in your taco. You decide, against better judgement, to bang him on date uno. If the sex is pedestrian, thank him and call Uber. If it was spectacular, you probably would like to do it again, so you need to soothe his slut-shaming mind.”

“How?”

“Simple. Say, ‘Oh my god, I don’t know what came over me. I never do this. There’s something about you. I’m so embarrassed.’ Then pull the sheets up to your chin.”

“That works?”

“Like a charm.”

I’ve heard that feigned-innocence line enough times to have developed a few responses of my own. If the sex was awful, I smile, pat her on the head, fetch a towel, retrieve her chonies, and show her to the door. If it was noteworthy, my response would be one of the following:

• I know. We must have some ridiculous chemistry going on.
• Me neither. Jesus. I’m so sorry. Fuck! You’re so sexy, I can’t help myself.
• Hey, just think about all the idle chatter we avoided. This is something special we have here.
• My heart is racing. God, I needed that. Been so long since I’ve had that feeling. Why are you so cute?
• The minute I met you I could tell there was a flow between us. Now, I know it’s real. I hope you still respect me in the morning.

Those of you like me who have volleyed numerous post-coital lines may have felt a little verklempt when reading the above. Well, my love-cynical freaks, we must consider the little people. Those who are new to chasing three beers and two tequila shots with one vagina or penis can find great solace in the above. One heart unbroken makes it all worthwhile.

When you reward behavior, you encourage it. This applies to dogs and humans. Pop offered me $5 for each “A” on my report card, so I worked hard to get them. I was told to honor, respect, and be kind to others regardless of their gender, skin color, or favorite football team. Excluding Dallas Cowboy fans, I’ve done my best, and received such fine reactions as, “Well, thank you for holding the door. You’re a fine young gentleman.”

So, how does my next lover want to be treated?

I don’t want to turn this into a political statement. (Save that for Facebook.) Yet, I watched and listened to ten years of Trump bashing women and immigrants. Was he punished to discourage this? Well, let’s see: He has a hot, young wife, he went bankrupt numerous times and was forgiven, he called his opponents names, made false accusations, and said he likes to grab women by the pussy … and we just elected him president.

Wait … what?

Saying and doing the things he has done is fine in the context of entertainment and comedy. I admit that I’m a dickhead, but I’m kidding, and I’m not running for president. But, we just rewarded his behavior in the most profound way. When I say “we,” I’m not just referring to uneducated white redneck men. The very people he maligned voted for him as well. Fuck, Hillary may have voted for him. Sounds crazy? Shit, I’ve heard plenty of women defend their abusers.

I’m confused. It’s as if I were managing a group of women, and treated them Trump-like. Daily activities would include:

• I pay them handsomely.
• I set up my office in their restroom.
• I slap their asses twice a day.
• When they’re caught not giving me sufficient praise, I call them liars and suggest they be shot.

For this, I would receive their loyalty.

Come on. Help a brother out here. I’m going on another first date tonight. This suggests my previous first dates were failures. So, what am I doing wrong? I shower, dress nicely, wear cologne, arrive early, compliment her, ask her questions about her, listen, ignore my phone, pay the tab, escort her out walking behind her, hold the door, give her a respectful hug, ask when I can see her again, and confirm she got home safely.

I must have it all wrong.

Perhaps, I should try the president-elect approach. I go straight from the gym, arrive late, ask to see her tits, tell her about my stock portfolio, interrupt her, pinch her ass, call my buddies and brag about how I’m about to bang this bar slut, tell her I forgot my wallet, tell her I’ll meet her in the parking lot after I take a dump, hit on another bar patron on my way out, meet my date at her car and shove my hand down her pants, tell her she had better fuck me tonight, or I’m not answering any texts, screw her in the backseat of her car, come in her hair, and leave.

Then, I expect her to blog about how wonderful I am.