Author Phil Torcivia

Essays about life, love, and relationships.

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Category: dating

Dating struggles abound. You can either live with it, whine about it, or laugh about it. I’m here to help with the latter. What qualifies me to tickle your brain clit? Well, I have 50 years of chasing the cat under my belt. (Literally. I think I may be scarred.) Learn how to laugh at your dating woes.

gorillas
November 11, 2019

Gorillas

Pretty women around 30 sat to my left barside doing what they do: chat, laugh, and nibble. I admired, smiled and returned to cradling…

better alone
November 5, 2019

Better Alone?

I love cocktail servers. They tend to be very wise, well-seasoned women who are unafraid to speak their minds. Often, the novices come in…

catch
October 1, 2019

Quite the Catch

Bumble keeps telling me I’m quite the catch. Bumble is full of shit. This is not flattery. This is simply Bumble trying to get…

single shaming
September 13, 2019

Single Shaming

All right, you mean couples. Stop picking on me. I’m sensitive (especially around the taint). Maybe I want to be single. Ever think of…

sabotage
September 4, 2019

Sabotage

“Tell me something. Do you work tomorrow?” “Yes, Buddy. I work at six.” “Six p. m.?” “Yes.” “So, you have all day free. What…

belching beaver
August 24, 2019

Too Lazy To Date

I’ve been reading a few articles about how singles have become too passive to find love. (Uh, guilty.) The typical reasons given include too…

symon
August 9, 2019

Bad Pussy

Cats. My drinking buddy, Hank, was telling me about an interesting night he had that involved pets. I wondered how that night would have…

dog
August 8, 2019

Bad Doggie

Had a beer with my old buddy Hank last night. Whenever I begin drying up on the whole writing thing, Hank provides great material….

zero-fucks
August 2, 2019

Opposites

I had a revelation last night after another train-wrecked attempt at a relationship: The nicer I am, the more emotional and physical messes I…

first date sex
July 23, 2019

First Date Sex

A woman I was about to ask out on a first date laid out her expectations clearly as she complained that too many men…

backup
July 2, 2019

Backup Lover

It’s always good to have a backup, right? Spare tire. Toothpaste. Roll of toilet paper within reach. All quite essential. So, doesn’t it make…

Friend Zone
June 28, 2019

Your Friend is Miserable

Ladies, do you have a close male friend whom you love platonically? He’s the friend you had one drunken sexual encounter with. You both…

vibrator
June 20, 2019

Training for Lots of Sex

A recent date of mine confessed that her exes could not keep up with her sex drive. “Challenge ax-fucking-septed,” I bellowed mightily. Then Ole…

talking to your plants
June 18, 2019

Talking to Plants

Do you ever walk around and talk to your plants? I do. They don’t answer, so technically I am lecturing them. I’m sure they…

michelada
June 12, 2019

Old Man on a Porch

I’ve been training my entire life for this role. I’m sizing up my rocking chair and AM radio. Beware, neighbors, Grandpa Philsy is coming…

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