All right, all right, all right. Perhaps that test contained what some would call “leading questions.”
“Is it not true, Mr. Torcivia, that on the night of October 19th, you hired male strippers to perform at your venue?”
“Yes, it’s true?”
“Yes, your statement is true.”
“So, you admit to hiring male strippers.”
“I do not.”
“But, you said yes to my initial question.”
“Yes, I did.”
“Yes, you are.”
The previous exchange was an example of leading questions that was more real-world and less irreverent.
So, to redeem myself from the previous test, allow me to provide five scenarios with the same rating system. Here, the scoring will be interpreted differently.
Nice Guy Andrew pulls in front of your condo, gently taps on your front door at precisely five minutes past his scheduled arrival, smiles, and presents you with a fresh bouquet of tulips. He hands a treat to your pooch, offers his arm, and guides you to his car. He opens the door, and assists you into the passenger seat. After he closes your door, a teenager skateboards past, and spits in his face. Andrew gets in the car, asks you for a tissue, wipes his face, and says, “Kids these days. Oh, what a kidder.”
While making love, Nice Guy Brian says, “You’re so amazingly beautiful, and I’m the luckiest man in the world to have this honor. Keep your lovely eyes open as I sink emotionally and physically deeper into you.”
You’re watching Thursday Night Football, and Nice Guy Carl’s favorite quarterback, Peyton Manning, has his arm hooked as he throws an interception, costing the Broncos the game. Carl begins sobbing, and blows his nose loudly, and exclaims, “Why? Oh, dear Lord, why?”
While enjoying couples’ night out, your ex-husband makes an impromptu appearance. He’s intoxicated. He approaches you and your date, Nice Guy Daniel. The ex introduces himself, shakes Daniel’s hand, and says, “I apologize for stretching her vagina out, pal.” Daniel smiles, and responds, “Thanks for the warning, friend. Haven’t been there yet, but after I down three more of these Cosmos, she might get lucky.”
You’re at a local pub with Nice Guy Evan. The server has been flirting with him the entire night. You suspect something is up. You take a potty break, and discuss the situation with someone in an adjacent stall. When you return, you notice the skanky slut-bag server handing him a card. Before you have a chance to mention it, Evan shows you her card, and says, “Baby, isn’t this woman a hoot? She just gave me the bartender, Jonathan’s, phone number. The silly goose said she thought I was gay because of my nicely coiffed hair and scarf. Gosh, I haven’t had a homosexual relationship since I don’t know when.”
Time to tally the scores again. This time, a score under ten means you were probably raised fatherless, and your hero is Rachel Maddow. Ten to twenty means you enjoy having a man take care of most household chores, and having your toes licked. A score of twenty to thirty means you need to rewrite your Match.com profile so you don’t attract so many pansies–remove the parts about long walks on the beach, and salsa lessons. A score over forty (Is it just me, or are you always tempted to write 40 as “fourty?” Fuck, I’m an imbecile.) means you meet most of your dates at MMA fights, and need your ass spanked and hair pulled … hard.