Cat calls don’t even work on cats.

It seems I need to lecture my brothers once again about how not to treat a lady.

I took my casual lunchtime stroll through downtown San Diego. There’s usually a variety of characters milling about and today was no exception. The first man who stood out was an impeccably dressed fellow. He wore a gray suit with a purple fedora and purple crocodile skin shoes. I’ll not describe his skin tone because it’s irrelevant; dickheads come in all colors. Across the street from him was a fine young lady, dressed as one would expect on a warm spring day. I noticed. He noticed. I kept my inside voice inside. He let his out.

“Yo, shawty. How’d you like to come strip at my club?”

Naturally, she ignored his comment and sped up her pace.

I thought, In the entire history of mankind, has that ever worked? Has a man ever yelled anything toward a woman across the street that resulted in (and I’ll widen the target here) a friendly discussion?

Nope. It doesn’t happen. In fact, if she were to respond in a positive manner it would be absolutely brilliant.

“Hey there, handsome. What’s that you say? You like what you see?”
“Yes, ma’am, I do.”
“And what’s this about a club you mentioned?”
“I am a proprietor at a gentleman’s club.”
“Well, blow lilac scented breezes across my baby peach. It must be my lucky day.”
“It is.”
“I just happen to be in the hunt for a new occupation and as luck would have it, a job falls right into my glitter-laced lap. Where, do tell, shall I apply?”
“Um, well …”
“Say, why don’t you take me to lunch and let me blow you, just to get that out of the way. Then we can talk business.”

Men, I implore you: Don’t volley comments across streets toward women because your service will not be returned. It doesn’t matter how sincere you are or how flattering the comment is. She doesn’t want to hear it shouted at her. Before you get any other cockamamie ideas, don’t hold a boombox over your head playing 80s love songs either.

Here is what you may do, politely:

  • Smile at her.
  • Tip your cap.

These are borderline creepy, but acceptable as long as she’s not a minor:

  • Ask is she’s familiar with the area and if she can direct you to her favorite restaurant.
  • Remark to her how her loveliness just made your day.

If her reaction is positive, you may proceed with further questioning, but once she objects, beat it.

Here, I’ll try a cat call on my cat, Symon.

“Yo, Symon. Get you furry little ass up here.”
“Why?”
“Because I want you to.”
“Insufficient reason. Back to sleep.”
“Hey! Get up here now, you handsome ball of orangeness.”
“Do you have food?”
“No.”
*yawn*
“I am your master. Obey me.”
“You should have gotten a dog, Master. Nighty night now.”

See?

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.
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