… but, I Still Want to See Her Naked

It amazes me that no matter how poorly some women behave, an exposed nipple causes male amnesia. I realize we are visual beasts, but isn’t there any way for us to override this? Logic dissolves as skin is exposed.

A woman has no problem with this. The sexy man treats her poorly, and she loses her desire to see his abs. Done. Gorgeous guy gets sloppy drunk, and she’ll ignore his shapely bum.

Not so with us, though.

A pair of women enter my office (dive bar). One is pretty, one is holy-fuck hot. Pretty one is dressed sharply. Other is dressed inappropriately, unless on MTV Spring Break. She has tight jeans, an exposed midriff, and fake boobs so obnoxiously large that I expect twin aliens to pop out at any minute.

Two men walk in and instantly target the ladies. I sip my frosty beverage and scoop another fist of buttery popcorn into my skull while watching the attack. Man One wisely approaches the not-as-hot one. Man Two goes for the prize.

Roll forward three shots, two spilled drinks, one selfie, and zero sentences without the word “like” in them. Miss Pregnant Chest is now trashed, and obnoxious as an elevator fart. Man Two gives up, sits next to me, and seeks guidance from the wise sage.

“Oh my god, is this woman bonkers or what? Jesus. Talking to her is like trying to reason with a four-year-old hyped up on Pixy Stix.”

“Ah, but you’d still love to see her tits.”

“Oh, fuck yes. I think she’s pissed that more guys aren’t paying attention to her.”

“Correct, you are, young Grasshopper.”

“Who?”

“Before your time. Listen, instead of wasting more time and money on her, I suggest you target another pair of dangling fun bags.”

“But, look at those!”

“Yes, I know, son. They are balls of silicone wrapped in vodka-soaked scar tissue. Her nipples are sitting on top of ghastly Y-shaped scars, and her asshole has probably migrated somewhere between her shoulders from all the skin stretching required to plant those globes.”

“Shit. But, I still want to see them. Is that wrong?”

“You have not mastered your instincts. If you want to see them so badly, put some pepper in her drink. Maybe she’ll sneeze, and blow a piston.”

“Yes! You’re a genius.”

“Live long and prosper.”

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.