Since men have Hooters Restaurant, women deserve …

Harry Bohner’s BistroServing the stiffest since 2012.

I go into certain establishments and wonder if men have truly evolved at all since caveman days. Hooters, Tilted Kilt, Twin Peaks, etc. all feature buxom ladies with exposed mid-rifts and tiny shorts bouncing around the bar with large mugs and fried horribleness. Not that I’m complaining. I do, however, find it odd when Little Miss Titsalot gives me an attitude for staring her in the brown eyes while listening to the specials.

“You put them out there, baby, and I’m gonna take a gander. Arch that back and take frequent trips through the walk-in to make your tips swell.”

So, to teach men how silly it is to treat women like fancy cars at an auto show, I recommend this new franchise begins popping up around town (tee hee). Harry Bohner’s should feature male servers and bartenders with leather-ish pants pre-stuffed with magnificent schlong-a-ronis. Naturally, the house specialty will be an assortment of links:

  • Italian Bohner – spicy and greasy, served with marinara and a slap on the ass.
  • Asian Bohner – tiny links served with toothpicks and duck sauce.
  • Brown Boy Bohner – won’t even fit in the bun.
  • Canadian Bohner – served cold and shriveled.
  • Bohnerito – served in a taco shell with refried beans and a shot of tequila.
  • New York Bohner – this week’s special is served in a soggy bun. (Sorry, too soon?)
  • Philly Bohner – in a toasted bun wit’ cheese whiz and fried peppers and onions.
  • Cali Bohner – overpriced, but you look good eating one.

I need to come up with more taglines for Bohner’s, as well as a mascot. Hmm. Hooters has an owl (we get it: the eyes look like nipples). Harry Bohner’s mascot should be a cock. Nah, that’s too on-the-nose. How about a python crawling between two boulders? An elephant? What woman hasn’t dreamed of being taken by a man with a large trunk in his trunks?

Help me out here. Think out of her box.

  • “Where the drinks are stiff and the servers are stiffer.”
  • “Have a hard one.”
  • “More than a mouthful, more than a handful.”
  • “Bet you can’t eat just eight inches.”
  • “We’ll leave a hard-on.”
  • “Our Bohner’s are the best baloney ponies you’ll find in a bun.”

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.