I haven’t done much while drunk on tequila that I regret. I don’t regret lying about it either. I have heard tales from friends behind and in front of bars, though. Most involve odd combinations of sexual adventures, vomiting in planters, and public urination.
Here’s a list of things tequila almost made me do:
- Dance without realizing nobody is dancing with me.
- Lick salt off a woman’s torso while she was sprawled out on a bar at the House of Blues. (Did you know tequila kills germs?)
- Smoke a cigar that tasted like a mud puddle.
- Forget where I parked.
- Hands-free urination in a stall because I needed to hold the walls and stop the bathroom from spinning.
- Challenge a woman to a sidewalk sprint.
- Bounce quarters.
- Pass out while inside a woman.
- Watch infomercials.
- Let a (less) drunk woman drive my sports car.
- Burn the roof of my mouth on hot pizza.
- Knock on random hotel room doors and run away.
- Pee in a sink.
- Try to negotiate at a fast-food drive-thru window.
- Eat fried ice cream.
- Microwave an aluminum leftover container.
- Hang my head out the car window while driving.
- Eat oysters.
- Buy clothing I would never wear.
- Tell someone I can’t stand that I love him or her.
- Sing Elton John songs in public.
- Bark at a dog locked in a car.
Tequila is great for lowering inhibitions. Mine are naturally high. Still, no amount of tequila could make me do any of the following:
- Vote for The Donald.
- Admit that Chris Brown is talented.
- Have sex over Skype.
- Paddle boating.
- Call Mike Tyson anything except “Sir.”
- Buy a pet parakeet.
- Drive a motorcycle.
- Post a profile photo of myself making a duck face.
- Pick up dog poop with or without a bag over my hand, unless I’m about to throw it at Glenn Beck.
- Give up drinking tequila.
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