Bitch Toe

Don’t look now. I just learned how to tell if you’re “unpleasant” before you speak a word. Men are always open to shortcuts to mating targets. We can’t trust the usual any longer because doctors and fashion experts have found ways to camouflage and enhance certain attributes. Well, there’s no fixing this one. If your second toe (index toe–the one next to your big, fat one) is longer than your big toe, you … are … a … bitch.

Calm down, Sweetiepie. Hate the game, not the spotter.

No, I don’t believe it’s accurate. I’m smarter than that. Still, I must admit I spent the rest of the night measuring fucking toes. The women must have considered me a rude foot fetishist.

“Is something wrong with my feet?”

“Oh. Hey, there. How are you?”

“You were staring at my feet.”

“Yes. Yes, I was indeed. You see, I … um … design shoes.”


“Yep, and those are nice. You have excellent taste.”

“Thank you. You should meet my friend, Freddie.”


“I think you two would hit it off. He’s a salon owner downtown.”

“Wait a minute. You are making an assumption that I’m gay, just because I like shoes.”

“And you’re making an assumption that I’m a bitch based on toe length.”



“So, I’m not the first guy to check your toes?”

“Third one tonight.”


Yep, it’s accurate.

I’ve heard of similar analyses regarding finger length. There’s one measure called the 2D:4D digit ratio (as in length of the second digit divided by the length of the fourth digit). If a man’s ring finger is longer than the index finger, causing a ratio under 1.0, it indicates that he:

  • Has a huge sperm count, but doesn’t release any.
  • Keeps his heart under lock and key.
  • Sees a fatty in the mirror no matter how skinny he is.
  • Carries around a massive penis–I’m talking HUGE, people. The poor guy must have back problems. Gosh, his women must be completely satisfied. Just sayin’.
  • Suffers from occasional depression when he checks his 401(k), closet, and ear hair. He also is saddened by flirtatious, yet unobtainable bartenders.
  • He can be schizophrenic. No, he can’t. Yes, he can.
  • Struggles with eating disorders including, but not limited to, discarding the burger bun, eating french fries off other people’s plates, and having dessert before dinner.
  • Maintains an alcohol dependency, which he uses as an excuse when he writes silly nonsense like this, tweets excessively, and selects his women based on toe length.

OK, you can remove your shoe and check now. If that second toe is dangling, you may want to curl up that fucker. Glue it down, for God’s sake. An even better idea is to wear closed-tip shoes. Don’t allow men to disqualify and avoid you because of a silly trait you can’t change. The next time you catch a man staring at your feet, tell him:

“Eyes up, you ape. I spent four thousand dollars on these tits. Forget the toes.”

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.
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