Bedroom Bucks


He who demands little gets it.” – Ellen Glasgow

There are reasons why we have currency instead of promises, the primary one being that people can easily deny making promises, but when you hold evidence, you can rest assured. If someone borrows a hamburger, glass of wine, or wrench from me without handing me a promissory note, that shit is gone–for good. Lesson learned: Demand a receipt or get little.

Same applies to relationships. I may or may not have heard of or been party to making promises for advance blowjobs, which went unfulfilled. Men will promise almost anything for five minutes of road head. Then, after a good throat coating, the poor woman is stuck desperately seeking a breath mint, with little hope of her man reciprocating as she drives his drunk ass home. Now, if she were to obtain one lick-gasm buck from her man before unzipping, he would not be able to deny ever making such promises while falling asleep face-down.

There needs to be love currency, and it should be issued in the state of California so there are no expiration dates. As with other currency, there needs to be exchange rates. Allow me.

  • 1 road head to completion = 1 twenty-minute lapping while she reads Glamour = 1 Coach purse
  • 1 dinner with her two best friends and their husbands = 1 just lie there and let her do all the work = 1 nice bottle of 12-year-old Scotch
  • 1 woman wearing uncomfortable lingerie = 1 man never wearing those tighty-whities and yellowing T-shirt again
  • 1 ten-minute (each) foot massage = 1 toe-curling two-fisted beej with gentle bag fondling
  • 1 evening at the mall = 1 morning quickie without kisses or speaking
  • 1 cleaning of the garage = 1 sex session during the evening news
  • 1 exchange of cars so he can have hers fixed = 1 condom-free kitchen counter boffapalooza
  • 1 couple’s massage = 1 pair of tickets to a pro baseball game, and he can choose whom to take
  • 1 half-marathon = 1 balls deep banging, reverse cowgirl-style, while she rubs Ben-Gay into his sore knees
  • 1 evening with the in-laws = 1 entire evening of topless boobies bouncing back and forth delivering ice cold beer to him as he enjoys the game

The precious metals of sorts, upon which the love currency depends would be, for him:

  • Aluminum – Nipple Exposure
  • Silver – Sex
  • Gold – Blowjob
  • Platinum – Butt Sex

For her:

  • Aluminum – La Crema
  • Silver – Coach
  • Gold – Tiffany
  • Platinum – A quiet bath with fine scents and high water pressure.

This is the way it must be, people. Verbal promises (sometimes referred to as oral promises) have no legal binding, even when witnessed or recorded. If your man promises to eat an entire banana cream pie off your cooter, you need to get that shit in writing, otherwise, he might deny it all and hand you a zucchini. If he expects you to fellate him in order for him to suffer through another week of The Bachelor, call your local notary and make it official, otherwise, he’ll be done and halfway to the pub before Chris Harrison delivers the first date envelope. In case of a dispute or termination of the relationship, you may be able to cash in that currency with another merchant. Some accept Traveler’s Sex Cheques. Look for that shiny decal in the window.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.