Be Silent


“Be silent or let thy words be worth more than silence.” – Pythagoras

I’ve been waiting for this version for decades: Rosetta Stone Woman. I’ve quickly advanced through the first three levels, and am nearly fluent. It’s embarrassing how often I’ve misunderstood common phrases, thinking I had some unique insight into that complicated language. For example, did you know what “Gosh, I can’t recall having any one-night stands” translates to? It means, “I’ve had many one-night stands–most of them not noteworthy, but I remember every fucking detail.”

I should have taken this course long ago. Many a night I stared at my bedroom ceiling fan wondering who the slutbag was that all of my friends were banging within three hours after meeting her in a club. Every time I thought I found her, she’d use her woman-speak, which I misinterpreted. Usually, it was along the lines of “I would never do it with a guy I didn’t know very well, until he puts in the time and agrees to monogamy before intercourse.” Silly me. I thought that meant three to five dates with gifts, door-holding, and heavy petting before any possibility of unzipping. Nope. Properly translated, that phrase means “Add enough alcohol and compliments, and as long as none of my besties are around, I’ll drain you.”

Another important one I was misinterpreting was the answer to the often-deployed question, “What’s wrong, honey?” If she says, “Nothing,” better run because something is absolutely wrong, and you can be confident that something is attached to you. You might foolishly continue the line of questioning with, “Are you sure?” Tsk, tsk, tsk. Her answer will likely be, “Yes, I’m fine.” Before Rosetta, I’d be tempted to pat the back of her hand and carry on. Now I know. “I’m fine” in woman-speak means “I’m pretty damn far from fine, and you’d best hide the knives, remotes, and heavy coasters because one or all of them are heading your way, with authority.

Around bedtime, it’s imperative to properly interpret your woman’s words. If she says, “I’m kind of tired, but if you really want to, we can,” tread carefully. This has multiple meanings:

  1. I have a yeast infection.
  2. You really pissed me off earlier.
  3. I feel fat.
  4. I’m gassy.
  5. I forgot to take my pill.
  6. I had my orgasm in the tub an hour ago.
  7. You have a boring penis, and I’m not up for belly-puddles tonight.

Be careful with other phrases that are commonly misinterpreted:

  1. Go ahead, honey, you can go out with the guys. (I’m going out with the girls, and I’m bringing along my fun pass.)
  2. Gifts really aren’t that important to me. It’s the thought that counts. (If you buy me fewer gifts than my ex, you’re my next ex.)
  3. You look cute in those jeans. (I’m going to take a picture when you’re not looking, and my friends and I are going to have quite a laugh.)
  4. I would never snoop around your phone, email, or Facebook. (I’m going to figure out your phone’s passcode, and find out who else you’re chatting up.)
  5. We can watch whatever you want. I don’t care. (I do care and, if you choose something lame like sports or the history channel, you’re penis will not enter me tonight.)

I’m about to move on toward the advanced courses and continue my studies until I become fluent. I just hope this doesn’t elevate my estrogen levels.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.