Be a Sponge, and I’ll Squeeze You

This may not work for you but, for me, it’s necessary. When I arise, I strive to leave my bed a dry sponge ready to absorb new knowledge, beliefs, and experiences … oh, and perhaps some wine, thank you. Most people I encounter are saturated sponges. You know what happens to saturated sponges you leave on the sink, right? Same goes for these people — they rot, smell, and attempt to infect.

For example, the whole gay marriage debate. Many sponges have been filled with hate and disapproval by their parents, preachers, and politicians. It’s silly. Squeeze that away. Why have any opinion on this matter other than, “If it makes you happy, go for it.”? It’s basically a preference, isn’t it? Why be concerned about another person’s preference? I don’t care if the woman next to me prefers white wine, brown men, or decaf coffee. Why would I care what she prefers sexually? I may find it interesting. I may not be able to relate to the preference. Heck, I may or may not share the preference. I certainly don’t care enough about it to try to squeeze it out of her.

Another one absorbed in youth is religion. Most people absorb holy water from their parents. That’s fine as long as it doesn’t adversely affect me. I squeezed the Christian religion out of my life because I could not reconcile reality with the stories in the ancient book. I did what the nuns forbade, but what Nature insists upon: I questioned everything. I went to museums, saw evidence of prehistoric man and life forms that existed millions of years before him. I learned about ancient religions, the purposes they served, and how they spread and became other religions. I deduced that the ancient books were simply that: ancient, and not applicable. So, my sponge contains no faith in imaginary beings or ancient customs. If someone wants to live by old rules instead of Nature’s rule, that’s fine too. I’ll take the wine and wafers, and leave the guilt.

Writing is an exercise in taking my dry sponge out into the world and attempting to sop up any goodness that might amuse a friendly reader. This makes me a nice person because, unlike most others who prefer to squeeze their own sponges by bragging or venting, I walk around asking questions and taking mental notes — I’ll squeeze your sponge, Baby.

  • Where do you live?
  • What do you do?
  • Have any kids?
  • What’s your favorite restaurant?
  • Tell me about your worst date ever.
  • Seen any good movies lately?
  • What did you think of The Fifty Shades?
  • How do you keep your skin so soft?
  • Are you a Chargers fan?
  • What is your dream vacation?

Then, once my sponge is saturated, I squeeze it by slapping keys on my computer. This is what comes out. Sometimes it’s difficult to squeeze out and sometimes it stinks. But, sometimes (like this time, I hope) my drops are absorbed and cause a nod, head scratch, or giggle.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.


  1. Phil, I read you and soak you up into my pink sponge. When I need to squeeze my sponge out to make room for more, I keep the drippings of you in a jar labeled ‘Nice Guy’. On occasion, I slip a few sips of you into the bottom of my wine glass, so that I can drink you in.
    Where do you live?
    The only town in the world named Jaffrey, in NH So, small and safe, you can still leave your door unlocked.
    What do you do?
    I pass out sponges to the elderly and help them sop up what fills their spirits. I squeeze what they have known and loved all over me and absorb the best of what they have inside to offer.
    Have any kids?
    Two most lovely dottas, Jessica and Jenny. They have sopped up from the juice of family life with me, and squeezed out some. Sopping up on their own now.
    What’s your favorite restaurant?
    I would love to say some place with candlelight and wine ambiance, that serves seared tuna and a sliced strawberry on a plate, but admittedly, it’s Mr.Mac’s Macaroni& Cheese. Eating the best mac & cheese out of a tiny frypan, with a vintage bottle of pop, and spending time with a close friend, in daylight, sharing much conversation and laughter…I love that. Wine and candle ambiance.. I will do that at home in my lacy nightie.

    Tell me about your worst date ever. Let’s see… real dating so so long ago. Marriage prevents dating, unless one doesn’t tell. I did have occasion to be on a date a few years ago, but I was unaware for most of the evening that it was a date. A woman, we’ll call her Sally, yeah Sally, wanted to ‘help’ me. She became my ‘friend’. I was so naive! I let her ‘help’ me by controlling and manipulating me with verbal leather gloves, scarves and whips. I was going to be thin, and in control of my emotions and healthy according to her. The final attempt at fixing me was to bring me out to dinner and try to feed me much alcohol. Much. Even the waiter was in on the deal. Then she reached under the table and put her hands between my legs. She, by the way was totally drunk at that point. If she wanted me, why didn’t she say so in the first place. I would have said ‘No’, and she would have gone on to other pastures. This cow only says “Moo” with the bulls. Nothing’s wrong with playing with the other cows, just not then, not for me. I ended up driving her truck home in a snowstorm, with her hanging her head out the window, puking. Fun date. Not.
    Seen any good movies lately?
    Not a new movie, but I did see Meet Joe Black and savored the time with Anthony Hopkins and Brad Pitt.
    What did you think of The Fifty Shades?
    I am a new, recently published author, and I write spicy. Initially, I read the first book to compare notes with EL James in how she writes the sexy sonnets. I was sucked in like everyone else and continued reading. Truthfully, I came to love Christian, and not just because his past was so cruel. I think Ana is a brat. I think EL James could have put all the books into one. She is a marketing genius. I also think that she wrote the books with marketing in mind. Down to the music played, there are brand names used and I think James had the movie planned all along, with plans in the works for the Barbie dolls and toys in the Happy Meals for adults that will come out later.
    How do you keep your skin so soft?
    Butter and sugar. Want to try it? Do this for your hands and see…Real butter, real sugar. A pat size glob of butter in the palm of your hand, with a spoonful of sugar. Mix it together with your hands and rub it all over them. Smells good, huh? Work it in. Knuckles, backs of hands, in between your fingers. Taste a little; you know you want to. Now, rinse it off under tepid water. Dry gently. I swear, you won’t want to do dishes for two weeks. Imagine that sugar, butter combo all over. And.. having someone who doesn’t care much about calories for the moment, lick a little off. Oh yeah, butter, sugar and some pleasure keeps my skin delectably soft.
    Are you a Chargers fan?
    I live in New England, so I’m a Patriot’s fan. However, my heart also cheers for Seattle Seahawks. I have been known to be a little exuberant during games, and have to be gently reminded that my pom poms cannot be shaken during the plays. So, I did what any girl watching sports with a boy 3000 miles away would do. I took off my top, held one of my pom poms against the tv screen during a play,took a quick pic, and texted it to him. That stopped his game for a minute. Rah, rah, rah!
    What is your dream vacation?
    My first attempt at writing seriously, was co-authoring with my football afficionado (see above). Our books together so far are historical fiction, twisting the truth ever so slightly, asking the question, “What if history happened this way?”. Treason’s Truth takes place in highlands, at the birth of Scotland. I want to go there and touch, see, smell, hear and taste everything of what I wrote about. I want to take that sponge and soak it all up. When I return home, I will squeeze it into an earthen jar and cover it, to keep it forever, soaking up drops of it in memories, as I need.

    There, I have squeezed out some of the sponge of me. Will you soak me up for a little while?And, When you squeeze me out, will you keep a little of me to keep in your memory jar for later?

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