Bar Therapy: Session 1 – Marriage

The social lubrication I have been delivering often comes with advice. Mind you, I’m not the type to offer unsolicited advice (unless I see you in a bicycle team get-up), but people seek, and I deliver. A couple joined me at the bar last night. They were teetering on the “cutoff” line, but I played along.

“So, Phil, we’re thinking about getting married.”

“Why would you do such an awful thing?”

“What?”

“Kidding.”

“Are you married?”

“I was for thirteen years. I consider it time served. So, what’s the hesitation about?”

“I don’t know. I mean, you’re a handsome guy.”

“Maybe you should mix in an ice water. And, what does that have to do with your nuptials? I’m no threesome-seeker. I have enough difficulty with one.”

“It’s just … well … women probably hit on you. Let’s say you have a girlfriend. Do you?”

“Hells to the no.”

“Anyway, if you did, and some hot woman comes up to you and says she’s going to fuck you tonight. How do you resist that? I mean, she tells you she’s totally going to blow you and fuck you dry.”

“Um, that doesn’t happen, but if it did, once I finish my happy dance, I’d have to decline graciously.”

“Bullshit.”

“Look, if I have a girlfriend, that means I have chosen to be blown and fucked by said girlfriend. There’s no need for a bar wench. Plus, it’s too fucking stressful. How am I going to get funky with the patron, then wash the stank off me, and find a way to look my woman in eyes while lying about my night?”

“Fine, but what if your girlfriend is away.”

“How far away?”

“Oh, I don’t know. Say she’s gone, out of town for two weeks.”

“Right.”

“And, the woman who is totally going to fuck you tonight is super hot. You’d do her.”

“Probably not.”

“Probably?”

“See this? It’s a three-thousand dollar bottle of cognac. I love cognac. I have four bottles of cognac at home. While they’re nowhere near thousand-dollar bottles, they’re delicious. I pour two fingers, sip, and go to bed happy. I don’t need that fancy shit and the stress that comes with it.”

“You’re just saying that.”

“If your man is happy with what he has in you, he’ll probably stay loyal.”

“Again, probably?”

“They say a man is as loyal as his options are limited. It depends on the man and his relationship. If either is tainted, his temptation is more difficult to resist.”

“So, should we get married or not?”

“If you make each other’s lives better, do it, and enjoy it while it lasts. You might want to insist he doesn’t tend bar at Slutopia. I, on the other hand, have been on a horrible dry spell, so I’ll be emailing them my resume as we speak.”

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.
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