Bad Boys Hurt; Have a Nice Guy Instead

You don’t want a bad boy, my dear; at least not in the real world. You can fantasize all you like about a scruffy, Harley driving, tattooed beast who does things you thought you’d never allow. But, you don’t want to meet him because eventually, he’s going to shit all over you, emotionally.

You need a nice guy.

Forget that nonsense about how anything worthwhile is worth working hard for. If you wanted to buy a horse you could ride around the neighborhood, you would never opt for a wild bronco that would scream, thrash, and resist every attempt you made to civilize him. You’d go for the broken stud and avoid a broken neck.

That’s why I suggest you recalibrate your penis homing device. If you’re in a bar and you spot a tanned God in a vintage T-shirt and sandals who winks and slaps your ass as he walks by, run away. Run toward that kind fellow over there–the one who has been down the aisle a few times and learned how to behave.

You say you’re attracted to that coworker? Is he married? Ah, unhappily so. So he says. If his wife says so, you can believe it. Otherwise, you’re about invite calamity. Chances are he just wants a little strange to get him through the wife’s next nag session. If you’re looking for anything emotional attached to that penis, beware.

Again, seek the nice guy.

You may not be as attracted to the nice guy as you wish you were. He may be a bit of a pushover. He probably drinks too much, which helps maintain his niceness. I bet he knows how to seek and follow directions. There’s a huge benefit, right? You say, “lick,” and he says “how often?” Nice, huh?

Cancel all those silly online dating memberships. Save the money. Go to a bar and look for a quiet fellow who is content with his bourbon rocks and ESPN. Leave the bad boys for sad girls, and go have a nice guy!

(My next book, Have a Nice Guy, will be released in September 2012.)

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.