Awesomeness

0
(0)

“This is fucking awesome.” – (quote by Macklemore)

Arguably, the best lyric since Pink Floyd’s “There’s someone in my head, but it’s not me.” Once you hear “Thrift Shop” by Macklemore, you’ll run across many opportunities to deploy this in your best baritone. Hours ago, I couldn’t resist letting it fly at Starbucks after my first foamy sip of a caramel macchiato. The hipster barista reacted positively; the old woman next in line swatted me with her purse. (That was not fucking awesome.)

What I need you to do, dear friend is join me in deploying this fabulous phrase each time an opportunity arises. Don’t you dare change “fucking” to something innocuous like “freaking” or “flipping,” or I will report you to the Federal Lyric Adulteration Police (FLAP).

Be aware that many deployments of such will not be well-received. This is expected because of rampant douchebaggery and uptightedness. Don’t be dismayed.

Let’s say you’re male and on the receiving end of a gratuitous beej because your woman is feeling a bit rusty in the crotch. What better time for deployment?

“This is fucking awesome.”

“Excuse me?”

“Sorry to interrupt. Continue.”

“Only if you promise to stop with the play-by-play, Joe Buck.”

“Wouldn’t it be more accurately described as blow-by-blow commentary?”

“Not if you would like it to resume.”

“As you were.”

Naturally, there will be less-frequent (unfortunately) times when she’s on the receiving end of a lick-a-palooza.

*slurp* *sip* *blabababa* *lalala* *slurp*

“This is fucking awesome.”

“Huh?”

“Seems you’re becoming quite adept. See? Practice pays.”

“But, that voice you used was creepy. It was all women’s’ basketball coach-y.”

“It doesn’t have the same effect in tenor.”

“Give it a shot.”

“Give me a reason.”

*bladababba* *slurp* *numnumnum*

“This is fucking awesome.”

“You’re right.”

There are times when deploying the phrase could be ill-advised:

  • At a funeral, unless you’re named in the will.
  • While receiving a prostate exam, unless you’re attracted to the doctor.
  • During an IRS audit, unless they determine you’ve overpaid.
  • While taking a sobriety test, unless it is being administered by Charlie Sheen.
  • At a middle school play, unless the mother next to you is massaging your groin.
  • During a dump in a public restroom, unless your boss is in the next stall.
  • When the bartender announces last call unless you happen to be the bartender.
  • After witnessing a compound fracture on TV at a sports bar, unless you’re dressed like a zombie.
  • While examining a large cucumber in the produce aisle, unless you’re female and I’m standing next to you.
  • At church, unless …

“OK, son, say five ‘Hail Mary’s and Five ‘Our Father’s, and you will be absolved.”

“Really? That’s all? I just confessed to having an affair with the choir director, and blowing a massive load on her husband’s pillow.”

“Yep, but you’re sorry, right?”

“I am. Still, that’s a pretty light sentence. Honestly, I can’t see it deterring me from doing it again.”

“Me neither.”

“Now, this is fucking awesome.”

“Amen.”

How good was this post?

Click on a star to rate it or just sit there and stare.

Average rating 0 / 5. Vote count: 0

No votes so far. Oh, for fuck's sake, help a brother out. Click a star, puh-lees.

Since you found this post good ...

Follow me on social media.

About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.