“Your attitude is either the lock ON, or the key TO the door of success.” – Denis Waitley

My first experiment of 2013 will be writing a self-helpish book that is more humorous and sarcastic than helpful. Sounds silly, doesn’t it? Hear me out. Nobody likes to get unsolicited advice, right? Even when it begins with “No offense, but …,” it’s still offensive. I’m suggesting a fine strategy is to take a piece of popular advice, deconstruct it, and see if it is worthy of ridicule or consideration.

So, let’s start with this little ditty from Mr. Trying-too-hard-to-be-original-with-one-N-in-my-name. (I wonder if it rhymes with “penis.” I should shut it, since I have one L in mine.)

I don’t know about you, but my attitude highly depends on the amount and quality of sleep I get. If neighbors were partying late (without inviting me), or I was awakened by a full bladder and petrified pee hose at zero three hundred, my attitude will suck, hence locking the door to my success, whatever that means. Fortunately, I can override this poor attitude by ingesting three tall mugs of piping hot brownness.

The next attitude adjustment occurs when I watch the news while preparing my oatmeal. Shitty weather, deaths, and cute puppies who need to be rescued or else they’ll be gassed, all erode my bubbly attitude. A simple way for Fox News to recover would be to show people tripping (always funny) or, perhaps, a few wardrobe malfunctions.

I realize most people at this point grab the keys, purses, briefcases, and phones, climb into their vehicles and head to the place of enslavement. (Just because you’re being paid doesn’t mean it isn’t slavery.) I’m one of the lucky chaps whose commute to work is one flight of stairs. Still, I’ve done the commute thing, which surely can rust an attitude quickly. Slow fast lane drivers, people refusing to merge properly, and left turners can ruin a morning. If you’re stuck on public transportation, good luck shielding your attitude from smelly, noisy, and overly chatty people.

If you’re able to purge your system of all the bad influences, you may be able to begin work with a stellar attitude. Instead of “locking” thoughts like these:

  • This sucks.
  • Fuck, another HR meeting.
  • I so want to burn that pile of papers on my desk.
  • Which lazy bastard left one ounce in the damn coffee pot?
  • Maybe my boss will call out sick–for a year.

Try “unlocking” thoughts like these:

  • I’m going to get twice my usual work done today so I can get shit-faced Thursday night and veg here on Friday.
  • Only eight hours left until Taco Tuesday.
  • A sexy intern shall be added to my manifestation board.
  • I’m going to spend the entire morning watching Funny or Die videos.
  • Well, this sure beats babysitting.

You won’t need any help getting that attitude adjusted on your way out of the office unless you run into commute problems. I recommend noise-canceling headphones and loud trance music. A little pick-me-up might help too, such as caramel macchiato, Diet Red Bull, and/or vodka. I find chocolate-covered raisins help me. Try some.

To keep unlocking doors, I suggest taking out some aggression with exercise after work. This is another fine place for loud music and good headphones. Please mop up your sweat. (Gross.)

Finally, as the evening comes to a close, be nice to your lover. Try to be sincere, appreciative, and generous (e.g. foreplay … lots). That attitude will not only open the doors, but it should also successfully stop them from closing. Then again, there’s that draft thing.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.