What can atheists get out of Christmas?

Some piece-of-shit bimbo … oh, I’m sorry … lovely lady, whose profile I happened to stumble across, decided to return my kindness with unkindness. Here’s how the conversation went with the closed-minded waste of nipples … sorry again … I mean, person:

“Great pics! Hope you had a nice Christmas.” – Phil

“Christmas???? You are an atheist. I don’t get it. I’m a Christian. Best of luck to you.” – Crusty Rotting Baby Hole (Sorry, I added that last bit.)

WTF? I wasn’t referring to my holiday. If she were Jewish (she’d be just as awful and probably pan-assed … sorry), I may have wished her a Happy Hanukkah. I don’t wish people happy birthday on my fucking birthday, do I? No, because that’s silly and self-centered to an alarming degree.

So, what right did this beastly twat (sorry) have to reject my somewhat sincere compliment and friendly greeting? All right, it is a free country, even for ignorant people with saggy boobs and gray roots (lo siento).

This pig (sorry) really screwed up my morning. Here I was, sipping my delicious mug of espresso with a light dusting of cinnamon whilst perusing my emails and, what do you know, I stumble across an unmarked speed bump. Was it what I deserved to find: a sweet greeting from Sandra B. who wants to get to know me well? Nope. It was a flippant remark from a smelly person whose chest and shoulders are probably dotted by moles from sun overexposure (sorry). I hope she’s constipated (again).

A more civilized response would have been something like:

  • Why, thank you. You’re too kind.
  • Aw, how sweet of you. Yes, I had a nice holiday.
  • Hey there, handsome. Your profile has lovely photos as well.
  • Much obliged, my sweet.
  • We must meet soon and taste each other.

But, no. This lonely slob (sorry) decided to select her response from the not-so-nice pile:

  • You’re an atheist, which means you should fucking burn for eternity and get no presents.
  • How dare you? May the Almighty smite thee.
  • If you don’t have God in your life, you are an uncivilized lump of monkey boogers. Go away.
  • So, you don’t believe in anything? That means you suck, and I don’t believe you. But, that doesn’t mean I’m an atheist.
  • Stay back or I will throw holy water and garlic at you.

Try to be a nice guy. Jeez. Well, now I’m pissed. This lumpy slab of humanity with cramps (I so hope she has cramps–bad ones. Ooh, and migraines too.) thinks she can invade my email box and return an obvious random act of kindness with venom and get away with it? Oh, hells to the no! I’ll not sit here idly and shrug off another injustice. I hope some smelly man one pew over takes her out, gets her drunk on cheap boxed zinfandel, and then proceeds to impregnate her with over-sized triplets. And, I hope she gets a UTI from him. Heck, toss in some warts. There.

People, if someone compliments you, take it. Don’t make any judgment around the level of sincerity involved. Don’t seek to determine the qualifications of the well-wisher. Just take it, bow, and say thank you. Good day.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.


  1. I’m an atheist and I do celebrate Christmas. Obviously not for the same reasons a Christian does, but I still celebrate. It’s not exclusively HER holiday. I bet she doesn’t know it was a pagan celebration first, either.

    It’s interesting, just before Christmas here in Australia, a Sydney mosque ran afoul of an unsanctioned post on their Facebook page, which stated that Muslims must not wish anyone a Merry Christmas or celebrate it because it is a sin. It was described as a PR disaster, but I think perhaps it turned into good PR, because the mosque came out publicly saying it was an unsanctioned comment, and they strongly urge all Muslims to wish a Merry Christmas to their friends who celebrate the occasion, and to take part in those celebrations, as a sign of ‘respect’ to people who have different beliefs. I thought that was a truly great message, and one that is obviously foreign to the Christian woman you’ve had a run-in with.

  2. She appears to be the Grinch who stole your Christmas greeting. Let your heart melt, and forgeddabouder.. and maybe, just maybe.. think about what you’d like to fill her stocking with, next year. New Year’s is comin’. Let’s have a cup o’ kindness or two or some of that wassail bowl over there.

  3. While I agree with you, I still think you are both a terrible person and an asshole. The fact that you turned this into repeatedly insulting her appearance (fictionally or otherwise) is just body shaming bullshit. Some women have saggy boobs and grey roots, and the fact that you (albeit jokingly) imply that this is anything other than normal and just fine is complete crap. Not everyone is a flawless Adonis atheist rage-blog writer, stop being a dick.

  4. I love it when nice guys use terms such as “piece-of-shit bimbo.” Melts my fucking heart, man! Sorry to read the cunt ruined your espresso, especially with a cinnamon top! Was it Starbucks grade or better? Ah, doesn’t matter — what’s done is done. Holidays sure can bring out the worst in some people. Sometimes life isn’t fair, ya know. If I ever catch you on the street I’ll give ya a raspberry, make everything all better. ;?)

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