Are my fixtures possessed?

I have a ceiling fan in my living room. It seems to have a mind of its own. At random times, it will begin spinning or the lights will come on. Last night it came on at 3 a.m., causing great confusion as I woke up and wondered if I had overslept. Finally, the tequila fog cleared, I crawled from bed, staggered downstairs to turn it off, peed through a semi, returned to bed, and lay awake wondering about my ceiling fan.

My explanation for this phenomenon would tell you a lot about me–perhaps more than my profile would. If I were:

  • Republican – Obama is responsible.
  • Christian – Jesus is showing his divine presence by shedding light on me.
  • Superstitious – It’s a sign that I need to play 3-0-8 in the Lotto because that’s the time I awoke.
  • Spiritual – My oneness with the light means I need to shed light on others.
  • Procrastinator – The light is reminding me to pay my electric bill.
  • Single – My prayers about having an active sex life are about to be answered.
  • Married – My wife left it on.
  • Cat Lover – My little guy’s night vision is fading in his old age and he’s looking for the stuffed mouse.
  • Cat Hater – Little fucker’s trying to fool me into thinking it’s feeding time.
  • Neighbor Hater – The prick next door has decoded my ceiling fan remote code. He’s doing this to fuck with me.
  • Paranoid – Armed, masked thieves are hiding behind a door, waiting to club me and make me watch while they empty my house.
  • Old – What light?
  • Logical – There’s a short, which I should have checked before it burns my fucking house down.

Next time you’re on a first date, interpret his reactions to determine what type of fellow he is. Disregard his profile statements about being kind, aware, and a frequent exerciser. You may need to prompt some of these reactions, depending on where your first date takes place. Here are three suggestions:

  1. Order shots of tequila. Do not order them chilled, and insist they come without lime or salt. When they arrive, watch his reaction closely. If he wrinkles his nose or asks the server if he could have his chilled, he’s probably packing two inches of future disappointment. If he asks for salt and lime, he’s a rookie but may be trainable. If he slams both shots and yells “fuck yes,” he’s a keeper.
  2. As you chill on the sofa, excuse yourself for a minute and change into lingerie. When you return, observe his reaction. If his nose is buried in his iPhone, change back into your clothes and ask him to leave. If he’s too engrossed in the latest episode of Hillbilly Handfishin’ to notice your nipples poking through the netting, take the remote from him, turn off the TV, and slap him. If he’s lying there, pinching the head of his tented jeans, bravo!
  3. If you’re at a baseball game, and the Kiss Cam focuses on you, what does he do? If he raises his right hand to high-five you, throw your eight-dollar beer on him and leave. If he blushes, leans in, and kisses your cheek, start texting your friends to rescue you. If he straddles you, cups your face, and tongues your tonsils, he’s the man.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.
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