An important skill to develop while you’re single.


Consider your time alone as Spring Training for your next relationship. This is the perfect time to work on yourself. Develop some skills, which will make you a more desirable target and a better mate.

For example, I know some bored patrons who sit bar-side and amuse themselves by attempting to tie a maraschino cherry stem into a knot without using their fingers. A talented tongue is appreciated, yet I feel this activity is pointless. The thought of a woman’s tongue bouncing around my molars is disturbing and, no, I don’t want my penis tied in a knot.

However, I have developed a similar skill, which came in handy before my recent snippage. There were occasions when my little friend, Willy, left the party without his raincoat. This is a foolish and dangerous thing to do, depending on the season. Once I realized what Willy had done, it was time for me to retrieve the sheath while ensuring nothing fell from the pockets during extraction–a delicate and precarious chore. Yet, as some ladies are expert stem knotters, I am an expert condom knotter. In a matter of seconds I am able to (without using my thumb, I might add) dig, twist, loop, pull, and remove my potential child-support payments.


Now, you may be thinking, how on earth did Uncle Phil develop said skill. I’ll tell you. When I was single, I didn’t waste time playing paddle-ball. Instead, I scooted on down to CVS and picked up a pack of balloons, Ivory liquid, and six cans of jellied cranberry sauce. The exercise includes the following steps:

  1. squirt Ivory into the balloon (one ounce should suffice),
  2. remove the cranberry lid,
  3. stuff the balloon into the sauce can loaded-end first,
  4. push the balloon toward the bottom of the can using needle nose pliers,
  5. put a towel down on your bed,
  6. place the can on its side between two pillows on the towel,
  7. hold your left hand behind your back,
  8. without cutting yourself, dig in with three fingers using a swirling motion until your middle one finds the object,
  9. true, the can will move around making it more difficult, but this is a significant obstacle as it’s unlikely the actual vagina will sleep through the process,
  10. with your middle finger, hold the balloon shut approximately one inch from the opening,
  11. use your other two fingers to loop the balloon and recall a childhood shoe-tying poem* while you seal the end,
  12. remove it slowly, keeping your face clear of the extraction in case there’s recoil,
  13. dance around the bedroom like you recovered a fumble,
  14. spike the balloon into the toilet bowl,
  15. flush.

Now, wasn’t that a more effective use of your time than tossing playing cards into a derby?

*Here’s one you can use:
Build a teepee
Come inside
Close it tight so we can hide
Over the mountain
And around we go
Here’s my arrow
And here’s my bow!

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.