Against the Wall


While sampling wine I struck up a conversation with two ladies. This was an attempt to overcome my introversion. I quickly discovered that one was single and the other was living with her man. I dove right in and asked the single one out. She responded by saying she has someone she’s kind of interested in.

Hey, at least I swung.

The other woman began unloading on me about her current relationship. This happens a lot to me — the available woman is not interested but the unavailable woman is. She discussed their kids and what little nightmares his are. Then things quickly progressed to sex.

“Well, the sex sucks.”

“How so?”

“Sometimes, I just want him to throw me up against the wall and fuck me.”


“But he’s all, ‘Hey, you want to have sex now? Huh? Do ya?’”

“Yikes. Have you told him about the wall thing?”

“I shouldn’t have to.”

“Christ. Look, I know we men don’t seek or follow directions most of the time. But, if you let him know in a nice way about your desires, and he truly loves you, you’ll be marking up your drywall in no time.”

“He just doesn’t have it in him.”

“Oh, sure he does. We all do.”

“So, you throw your woman against the wall and have at it?”

“No woman right now, so I’m throwing beer caps.”


“I’m single and I’m a bartender.”


“Maybe that’s why I am open — nay insistent, that my woman tells me explicitly what she wants. Heck, she can use PowerPoint, laser pointers, charts, and brochures. I’m all ears.”

“Wouldn’t you rather just go by your instincts?”

“My instinct is to crack a bottle of wine and fall asleep watching a Netflix series.”

“That’s why you’re single.”

“It’s a symptom — not a cause.”

“It’s just so frustrating.”

“Do yourself and him a favor and tell him what you need. If he doesn’t deliver, leave him before you wind up having an affair with some random guy you met at a winery … or something.”


“I was speaking in hypothetical terms.”

“Were you?”

“Um, I’ll be around. Let me know how things work out. In the meantime, I’ll see if there’s a Peloton workout for wall-fucking.”

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.