Advice to My Son


I don’t have a son. I have two cats and zero offspring. Still, when I see family scenes I often wonder what advice I would give a son. I guess the first thing would be “Don’t read Daddy’s books” since any useful advice I could think of would be contradicted. Also, he’d see me as a fine example of a person who ignores most advice and, in fact, often seeks to do the opposite because I am a contrarian prick.

What relationship advice would I give my son?

  1. Don’t be so preoccupied with finding a lover that you lose yourself in the process. If you define yourself by how great your relationship is, you’re really setting yourself up for emotional disaster. She is going to leave eventually. Learn to enjoy solemnity. Yeah, and beat off a lot.
  2. Learn how to get her off. Usually, that includes some combination of attention, vibration, and clit lickery. Answer her texts promptly. Check her Amazon wishlist for her desired bean-slapper. Study. Become the bean-slapper, Daniel son. Next, learn where her clit is. Google it if you must. Hand her a laser pointer if you must. The bonus here is that it is in the same place on all women. It will become like finding middle C — music to her mind.
  3. Don’t give up too much of what you like for her. Stand your ground around the important stuff like baseball, beer, and bacon. If she’s vegetarian, good for her. Support her, but if you compromise and give up the goodies, you’ll be one lawn-eating lump of loserdom when she’s gone.
  4. Marriage. Fuck. Well, ya know Pop was once married. Yep. No shit. It was fine, son until it wasn’t. Most young women you date are going to want to get married eventually. That’s just how it is. You’ll either need to dangle and push that carrot away often or give in and buy the ring. Ya know, if you find a good one it’s not a bad investment. If you find a bad one … shit … hey, why not become a lawyer?
  5. Fitness is a struggle, I ain’t gonna lie, kid. We’re all dying here, just at different speeds. I guess stay active and try not to overeat and overdrink. I worked hard in the gym to build muscle, lose fat, and build stamina. Spent a lot of time in gyms. Guess I feel all right. Still, as I age, my skin sags and belly grows. Fuck broccoli. My woman will just have to deal with this no-ab-having man.
  6. Avoid mean people. If someone gives you anxiety, leave that person. I don’t give a shit if he’s your boss. Quit. Find another job. No matter how much money you have, it’s not worth wasting time in the presence of assholes. If you stay around them, you’ll either stress out or become one of those assholes. Learn to leave.

Hey, maybe this is why Nature decided I shouldn’t procreate. I’m just not fatherly. I am thirsty for love and wine. Off I go leaving my own advice.

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About the author

Author of humorous essays about relationships and lifestyles.