Archives for August 2014

How To Date Doctors

docWe certainly have quite a spectrum of men here. Even narrowed to medical doctors, they range from brain surgeons to gynecologists. Gynos. Hmm. How would one date a gyno? That’s interesting. He’s certainly seen his share of lady caves. He should know his way around one, right? They’re all similar—the caves, I mean. Age, race, and even weight doesn’t change the basic structure, nor the apparently little-known ditty that the way to a woman’s heart is through her g-spot, which is technically the tail end of her clitoris. But, you knew that. Does your man? Well, tell him for fuck’s sake! Date a gyno, and you won’t have to. He’ll know.

Let’s hope Dr. Kissinsnatch has enough sense to leave the rubber gloves, mask, and speculum in the office. None of those cause positive reactions in the bedroom, unless you’re a total freak. And, if you are, good at ya. One thing the doc could bring home is lube. Slippery is always preferable to dry, unless you’re a floor. Keep a pump-size container on the nightstand, right next to the Bengay tube for his sore neck. I highly suggest you don’t mix the two.

So, let’s say you’ve been visiting Dr. Pokabeaver annually, and you’ve developed a tiny crush. How does one broach the subject while in stirrups? Here are some ice-breakers you are welcome to borrow:

  • “Like what you see?”
  • “How do feel about vaginal rejuvenation?”
  • “Can you check if my vacancy sign is working?”
  • Just start moaning and giggling.
  • “Dang, sorry. Knew I forgot something this morning. Please excuse my lack of chonies.”
  • “Ever done it on one of these chairs?”
  • “Who does your nails?”
  • “We’ve got to stop meeting like this. How about a proper date?”

If he agrees, and you meet for dinner, you need to expect certain things you would not see from a lesser man. He’s going to wash his hands every five minutes, and attempt to diagnose any issues he detects. I doubt he’ll recommend douching, but he may ask you to reduce your gluten intake. Just treat his suggestions as you would a dentist’s suggestion to floss more often—ignore them.

Also, whereas most gentlemen are wise enough to keep their phones holstered, away from sight, doctors need theirs readily accessible, in case of emergency, such as when an electric toothbrush causes numbing, and an annoying interruption to your linguini.

“Mrs. Helms, why would you use … um, why not just buy a vibrator, designed and intended for such use? I understand. I don’t think he’d mind at all. What else have you used? Yes, the faucet is fine. Careful you don’t damage your sphincter on the drain stop. Yes, it has happened. Not pretty. Yes, food is ok. Nothing spicy. What? Do you really want something glass there? Right. I suppose you could do that. Well, if your iPhone battery is anything like mine, I doubt you’ll climax before it dies. Yes, well, I’m glad to be of assistance. Goodnight. Now, where were we?”

Yep, got yourself a winner, darling. Enjoy getting to know a man who knows you better than you ever could.

Ducking Swype – My Dirty Talk Misadventure

swype

Her

I kinda like the dirty talk

Me

Oh boy. I suck at it.

Me

I said suck ha ha

Her

I love getting my neck kissed.

Her

And wanna feel your hands on me.

Me

All right. Sign me up.

Her

Sign you up?! Ha ha. Come on that’s it?

Her

I think you wanna do more than that

Me

Ha ha oh you have no idea. Get back to work you nut before I throw you in a bathtub full of wine and drink you up. There

Her

Come on…gets me excited when u say what u wanna do

Me

Damn. Um. I want to drink tequila off your neck and feed you chocolate. I suck

Me

Can’t we just play candy crush or something?

Me

Every curse word i type Swype ducks up

Me

Ugh see???

Her

Lol. Is okay. We can work on it.

Her

I realized really turns me on when u said u liked grabbin my body

Me

Yes well that should have been evident by my um you know um hard duck

Me

Duck

Me

Duck fuck fuck

Me

Richard

Her

Lmfao! A+ for effort

Her

I was nervous before.

Me

You show this to your girlfriends and I’ll bite you in the cat.

Me

Not even attempting that one.

Me

I need dirty Swype

Her

Oh hell no!!! I never show txt to anyone. Why u think I was so worried before.

Her

Not my style.

Her

My life is mine.  Not up for public.

Me

Right right

Her

But wouldn’t be worried to introduce to my friends.

Me

You should be. I’m a sarcastic beast who doesn’t play well with otters.

Me

Duck

Me

Ducking animals fucking llama

Her

R u drunk?

Me

No this fucking Swype shit

Me

Hey it worked

Her

I’m really super stumped as to why you’re single?

Me

I’m single because I’m intolerant.

Her

Fuck. Whatever

Me

Ha ha

Her

You’re like pie

Me

Mud? Blueberry? Apple crumb

Me

Hair??

Her

Unless you were just turning all the charm on

Me

Oh I’m a genuine gentleman. I do what it takes.

Me

Wish we were Bakken in bed watching movies and eating crumpets

Me

Bakken???? Naked

Me

Duck

Her

Wow. I think u need a new phone.

Me

I need a dirty one

Her

Or ur drunk

Me

Nope midway through glass uno

Her

Then new phone it is. Ha ha ha

Me

I’m going to tie you up and throw champagne water balloons at your naked ass

Me

Lol that worked

Her

Well…how bout your gonna run your hands over my body and your tongue from my mouth to my….

Me

Oh my

Her

Wow really.  Swing and a miss! Lol

Me

Lower? Um your courteous

Me

Ha ha

Me

There’s no way this fucking thing is going to allow Curtis

Me

Ha ha

Me

Um little man in the pink canoe

Me

Duck

Her

Ok. lol how r u?!?!  This is gonna be like pullin teeth isn’t it

Me

The developers of Swype deserve to be kicked where they pee

Me

Yes I suck

Her

If it’s not your bag that’s okay.

Me

… in all the ways you want me to

Her

But it turns me on when you say what you wanna do with me

Me

All right. I’ll read up and practice on my cat.

Her

No!!!! Don’t read.

Me

That’s how I do. I’m going to spank you with a loaf of French bread.

Her

I know you’re intellectual and a gentleman but just relax and say what you’d like to feel and do.

Me

I’m going to butter your toes and coat them in Vichy flakes.

Her

U wanna spank me with French bread? Lol

Me

What the Chuck is Vichy? Coconut

Me

Ugh

Me

I hate this

Her

Is okay. Relax. I already like you.

Me

I’m going to eat doughnuts off your Bob’s

Me

Bob’s???? Chuck me

Me

This fucking phone

Me

I will slap you with a pita

Me

Wham

Her

No. You’re gonna kiss me until our lips are numb then your gonna run your tongue down my neck to nipples while your hands….

Me

I’ll dump honey on your back and play slip and slide

Me

I’ll shove ice cubes in your Assad

Me

Ha ha

Me

I’m getting the hang of it

Her

Lord I hope so. Lol

Her

If you say what you wanna do with me doesn’t make you less of a gentleman.

Her

You just know what you want.

Me

I’m going to shove my mediocre average sized manhood so deep into you that my balls are going to enter your small intestine.

Me

Somehow Swype gets that one. Go finger

Her

Well… We’ll work on it.

Me

Lol sorry

Her

Hahahahhahhaha

Her

Don’t worry. Just wanna know how u feel without the jokes.

Her

Is okay. Maybe you’re not comfortable like that yet.

Me

I’m going to fill you with so much soreness seemed that you will foam from the nose

Me

Jesus … spermless semen

Me

Ok, maybe I’m not comfortable

Me

I’m such a clown. Lo siento

Her

U have so much natural sex appeal.  Work with it.

Her

I’m not attracted to many men. But you were a shoe in. Don’t be afraid to say how you wanna be with me and what you’d like you’d like to do.

Me

All right well I’m flattered and I am highly teachable

Her

K. Well another night. Xoxo

How To Date Honest Men

honestYou say you want to know what he’s thinking. You want truth from him. You want to trust that he’ll keep his promises. You want honest opinions.

Are you sure?

I’ve found my honesty is appreciated only when it reinforces her stance, otherwise it causes conflict. Conflict causes resentment, which causes punishment, which causes scarcity of the benefits expected from the relationship. Hence, when honesty will cause a loss, logical men like me will adjust to avoid the loss. We’d rather be happy than right.

I’m not convincing you, am I? Fuck.

Look, you can’t fault a fellow for being dishonest unless he is caught in his lie. Therefore, his fault lies not in his dishonestly, but in his carelessness. You don’t want to date careless men. I understand completely. He should care enough about the relationship to obscure the things that would hurt it. Otherwise, send him packing. Reckless men are more dangerous than mysterious men.

I can tell by the I-outta-be-a-lesbian look on your face that I’m not getting through. Fine.

Where does one find an honest man? Beats me. Church? Oh, hell no, not even during bingo or an AA meeting. Court? You must be kidding. Lawyers will say whatever it takes to keep that meter ticking. In uniform? What? Really? You want to date Police, Firemen, and Soldiers because they are honest people, not because a shirtless version on a romance novel cover got you dewy? Stop.

Try this. Go to a bar. (Most couples meet in a bar. Deal with it.) Scope out a single guy—no ring, by himself, contently checking his phone. Sit next to him, and ask how the food is. If you detect an honest answer, proceed along these lines:

  1. Would you date a woman who slept with you the first night you met?
    1. No. (Buzz!)
    2. Yes, if the sex was good. (Ding!)
  2. What’s the youngest age of a woman you would consider dating.
    1. Any number over 18. (Buzz!)
    2. 18. (Ding!)
  3. Have you ever cheated on a lover?
    1. No. (Buzz!)
    2. You bet. (Ding!)
  4. What do you think about fake boobs?
    1. Prefers whatever you’re sporting. (Buzz!)
    2. I like all boobs. (Ding!)
  5. How often do you masturbate?
    1. Rarely. I prefer the real thing. (Buzz!)
    2. Made belly puddles a few hours ago. (Ding!)

If you got the right answers, he’s your man. I suggest you avoid asking him how your ass looks in those jeans, if he’s been checked for Chlamydia recently, and if he has a fuck buddy. Stick to the weather, movies, and current events. Enjoy your saint until you stumble upon his horns.

How To Date Bikers

bikerThere are two sorts of bikers, and they couldn’t be more different. One wears leather, grows a scraggly beard, has numerous tats, and could knock the horn off a rhino. The other wears silly knickers, tap dance shoes, a goofy helmet with a rear-view mirror, and could get knocked out by a raindrop. You’d probably choose one or the other—never both.

If you want the biker dude, you need to determine if he is a tough guy or he’s trying too hard. Nobody wants to date an accountant with lunch lady arms flapping out of a leather vest, who happens to be rich enough to own a Harley. The man you want needs to be rugged. He should be somewhat dirty and smelly. If he smells of cologne, leave him alone. If he has bug guts in his smile, you’ll like his style.

Where does one find such an animal? Well, dive bars, biker rallies, and Lynyrd Skynyrd concerts are great places to hunt. These monsters don’t like competition, so, instead of buying a bike and a pink helmet, play sweet and innocent with the sudden craving for danger. Ask for a ride. Hold on tight. A hair tie will come in handy. Try to avoid the slobber flying off the pilot. If you’re lucky enough to find one who can smoke a Cohiba while driving, he’s a keeper.

Men like this have other useful skills, including the ability to correct that noise your car is making. Ask him to do manly things, and show sufficient appreciation. Also, he’s going to want to toss you around a bit while making love. Deal with it. If you get brush burns, I recommend New-Skin liquid bandage.

In the odd chance that you’re into the thin-wheeled biker type, the approach varies significantly. True, he’ll have more shapely calves than Biker Bob, but they’re going to be stubbly because this genius thinks shaving down will trim seconds off his quarter-mile time. Instead of a wallet on a chain, Biker Bruce will have three handy pockets on the back of his obnoxiously loud Spandex shirt. He should be carrying a bullet vibrator, lube, and baby wipes in those pockets. You may be disappointed to find gummy bears, a water flask, and change purse.

Yes, I understand Biker Bruce is in better shape than Biker Bob. He’ll probably have more stamina. Go with that. I mean, you’ll need to tolerate dates featuring such exciting things as Yerba Matte lattes, organic peaches, and Scrabble. Instead of watching MMA or the NFL, you’ll be watching AMC (All My Children). Whereas Biker Bob is sporting gnarly scars and bone spurs, Biker Bruce may have a boo boo on his knee. Kiss it and make it better.

So, where should you look for Biker Bruce? You can’t hang in bike shops. That’s just creepy. You can usually find Biker Bruce and three of his similarly-dressed moving billboard buddies in a Starbucks before the morning rally. If his bike seat hasn’t kinked his hose and cut off his supply of testosterone, he should react if you cut in line in front of him while wearing your Juicy shorts. Convince him tap dance to a nearby table and get to know you. Say, “Have a tea with me, and let them be, sexy.” If that doesn’t work, sneak out and flatten his tires.

No matter which biker boy you seek, get ready for a fun ride. Don’t have his name tatted on your shoulder. Don’t buy a $1000 bike. Just be a good copilot.

How To Date Ex-Boyfriends

exbfSounds ridiculous, doesn’t it? Well, it’s as predictable as rain in Seattle. You’re going to encounter that man who breaks your heart numerous times, then you’ll find a technicality to justify your guilty displeasure.

If you describe him to a friend, and the sentence ends in one of the following, I’m talking to you.

  • … but the sex was so good.
  • … but he was great with my kids.
  • … but he always treated me nice when he was with me.
  • … but he says he has changed.
  • … but my friends and family love him.

OK, sugar, if you must go there, you must know the way. You don’t need any lectures from me about how past behavior is the most accurate predictor of future behavior, do you?

His infidelity will give you the irresistible urge to hack into his email, read his text messages, or stalk his Facebook activity. He knows this, so don’t waste your time. The best strategy on your part is to avoid dirt, instead of seeking it. Work on your “not giving a shit” attitude. Even if you fake it, you’ll be pleasantly surprised at the effect it has on him. Here’s a great line you can use to send him sideways:

“If you must do something stupid, do me a favor and don’t compound it by letting me find out about it.”

Let’s say you haven’t reconnected with him yet, but you seek advice on how to approach him. Fine. Here’s a typical scenario, and how you should proceed.

You were with Tom for many years. You had your ups and downs, like any relationship. He frequently hinted that he was ready to seal the deal (yes, put a ring on it), but never did. Just when you thought you saw that sparkling gem in the distance, it turned out to be the headlight of a speeding train about to splatter you across two counties. He went on a business trip, boinked some hosebag, and you found out. You booted his sorry ass to the curb.

A month later (and a few dozen roses), he begs you to take him back. You’ve gone on three horrible dates since his departure, and you’ve gone through both seasons of Orange is the New Black … twice. You deploy one or more of the aforementioned “buts,” and agree to meet him.

Now, first thing, Missy, is you’re not sleeping with him tonight. Don’t you fucking dare! Give yourself a few pre-meeting orgasms, if necessary, but grant him no access to your nethers. Break out your ho-i-est club attire—there must be excessive cleavage and neon straps. Have him meet you for dinner at Ruth’s Chris or a place likewise grossly overpriced. Order a bottle and go for the fine cuts. Watch him cringe as he signs the tab.

When he drives you home, do not invite him it. In fact, take his goodnight kiss on the cheek. Depart the passenger seat slowly, to give him a good sight of your delicious posterior. Repeat the date until there is sufficient remorsitude. Forgive. Then, don’t be surprised when he breaks your heart again.

How To Date Kinky Men

kinky2Things have been ho-hum in the bedroom, have they? Your previous lover was as exciting as soccer? Well, what you need is a little visit from Dr. Clittickler and his bag of naughty goodies.

Hey, don’t feel guilty at all. It’s easy to slip into routine sex. If you’ve caught yourself saying any of the following, you’re afflicted.

  • We always do it in the same position.
  • He has actually fallen asleep while inside me.
  • I can’t even remember what a tongue feels like down there.
  • It’s only fun when we’re wasted.
  • Where would I be without my vibrator?

You’re ready. You’ve identified what may be Mister Spice-It-Up-Like-Tapatio. He gave you that look—you know, the one suggesting he may leave a mark or two. Time to make your move. No, don’t grab the closest candle and spill wax on his crotch … not yet, at least. Get close, whisper something dirty in his ear, then bite him gently on the lobe.

If he happens to be über-kinky, he’ll probably try to bang you in the restroom or parking lot. Hey, it’s all good, as long as you wash your hands afterward. Another fine place is a stairwell or fire escape. If you’re caught without your handy dandy knee pads, no worries. Tell him to take off his shirt then go ahead and kneel on it.

Guys like this love playing Daddy discipline games, so expect a few mitt prints on your buttocks. Don’t fret. They’ll be gone by morning. He’ll probably say some nasty things too. It’s quite possible he’ll call you a dirty skank. Resist the temptation to deliver a nad punch, unless he requests it.

(This all confuses the pee out of me because any man who is turned on by the thought of disciplining offspring in such a manner is way fucked up. This is far beyond my field of expertise. Carry on.)

When he drags you into his condo by your hair, expect to find a multitude of kinkery, like:

  • Pornography
  • Sex dolls
  • Lube with a pump dispenser in every room
  • Outdoor swing sets … indoors
  • Jenga-Styled furniture and pillows, with which he props up various parts of women

Again, don’t panic. Go with it. In fact, step it up a notch by telling him you’ve seen better kinkery in a church basement. Say, “Is that all you got?” Then, demand to explore his collection of strap-on man-parts. What? He no gots? That’s awful. What an amateur! His only possible redemption will be a case of glass dildos and food you can fuck with. Avoid the habaneros.

Enjoy the fifty plus shades of this freak before he winds up in prison. I’d look out for little red pin lights, and one-way mirrors. Oh, and please document it all on Instagram.