Archives for June 2014

How To Date Match.com Men

Woman excited with laptopWhen you re-enter the murky dating pool after a series of relationship flops, you need to be prepared. If you’re even slightly more attractive than a day-old roast beef sandwich, you’re going to filter through lots of lying men. It’s best to have a strategy in place, or you’ll waste many nights you would have been better served spending with Netflix.

I know your girlies and you constantly disregard men who are follically-, vertically-, or financially-challenged. What this has caused is gross exaggeration and mirror blindness for men who create dating profiles that are as accurate as a rusty scale on carpeting. You did this. Own it, woman. It’s time you admit to yourself the reality that Channing Tatum is not online fucking dating. I’m not saying you should settle, but bring it down a few notches, and stop disqualifying dudes who might have other redeeming qualities, like the ability to be loyal, and cook a decent meal.

Now, whereas you’re comfortable playing the passive role at the local meat market, that shit doesn’t fly online. If you sit back and wait, you’re going to waste many nights sipping Port wine with a hairy thing in a Hawaiian shirt, Teva sandals, and three of his own remaining teeth. No bueno. Instead of kicking the overly ambitious pugs to the curb, you become the hunter, and seek something studly. Disregard age and concentrate on geographic availability. You want to find a local man available to answer the call when the call is made. Also, don’t worry about how he delivers the goods (might involve tiny blue vitamins), just that they arrive as expected, when expected.

While I’m asking you to be aggressive, I’m also going to add “within reason,” so you approach the cum-hungry-slut line without crossing it. If you cross that line, he will spend one or two nights tops with you, then tell all of his buddies, thus discounting them as future playthings. Email him, tell him he’s cute, then suggest you meet for a latte. If, when you meet him you find he has potential, make just enough physical contact to suggest potential mating ahead. This could be a hug, kiss on the cheek, thigh/arm squeeze, or gentle fanny pat.

Once you’ve parted thigh for your Match.com guy, you’ll inevitably reach a common hurdle: Do I take my dating profile down? I say no—at least not until you’re positive he has taken his down, introduced you as his girlfriend, and updated his Facebook Relationship status. Leave your options open, and give him something to work towards. When he fucks up, do a little mate search, just so your profile says “Active in the past 24 hours.” If he gets all pissy-eyed over it, tell him you were letting a girlfriend use your profile to check out the men before she joins. Works like a charm.

Here are a few tips for your profile. Keep it brief. Be vague about children, pets, and beliefs. Show cleavage (if you have some). Spell-check. Please, fucking spell-check. I’m begging you. Mix your/you’re, there/their, and it’s/its, or abbreviate you (u) and be (b), and he will block you, probably lose his shit, and go on a rampage smashing keyboards, and kicking kittens.

Good luck with your online cock shopping. I hope is it fruitful.

How To Date Soccer Players

soccerSo, you want a lean man with abs, do ya? Tatted up, funky-haired Beckham got you all dewy in your Lululemons, did he? Fine. You’re going to need an assist from your favorite old-fielder, me.

(Ow, fuck! I just caught a nail on the period key. Shit. Ow, Jesus. Time out. Wait … wait … OK, I’m fine.)

They say the average soccer player runs something like fifteen miles during a game. That means he has stamina, which can be a good thing as long as you have lube. Alt+Tab over to Amazon and pick up some Astroglide. I’ll wait. Back? Good.

(Aaaah choo! Oh, fuck, shit, ouch! Dammit! I think that sneeze just pulled a chest muscle. Time out, Ref. Fuck! Owie, ow. OK, I’m fine now.)

Before you give your futboller a green card, you need to know a few things about him:

  • While proficient with his feet, he hasn’t done much with his hands other than cover his face with them when he kicks the ball into the fifth row. You may need to train him how to handle you properly, and to keep his feet away from your mouth.
  • He’ll probably head butt the headboard occasionally. It’s a orgasm-delay strategy. I’ve tried it. Works well.
  • After finally scoring, he may sprint across the bedroom and skin his knees on the carpet.

Obviously, this fellow you’re after wasn’t born here in the states, or he’d be playing an actual sport, like baseball. (Bite me, Pelé.) That’s OK. Euro fellas come with sexy accents, and eclectic taste buds. He may nibble on you. You can work with that, right?

(Shit! I just spilled my latte on my fucking lap! Holy shit! Fuck. Ouch! Oh, baby Jesus, I think I’ve burned my balls. Time out! Wait. Owie. OK, I’m better now.)

Since finding an adult male soccer game here in the states is as difficult as finding a straight man who watches Glee, you may have some trouble tackling one of these specimens. I suggest you scour MeetUp for coed leagues, and join. You might be as clumsy as a toddler, but that will work to your advantage. A skeletal player will offer his tutoring services to teach you how to kick a ball without ruining your pedi. Before you know it, you’ll be playing one-on-one with him, without the ten bored-to-tears fans in attendance.

You need to get used to colorful clothing, because these players are either colorblind or dreadful at picking their outfits. Chances are he’ll be wearing neon-colored, mismatched shoes and socks, and his shirt will have salty sweat stains, and some indiscernible logo. As soon as your girlies start hating on him, you can shut their silly traps by lifting his shirt. Say something clever like, “I can grate my Parmesan on those.” Their ridicule will quickly turn into envy.

I hope you score often with your new man.

(Ouch! Time out. I have an ingrown nose hair. Fuck!)

How To Date Coworkers

coworkerFace it, you probably spend more time with coworkers than you spend with lovers. Why not combine the two? Well, aside from the possibilities of losing your job or spouse, I can see no reason. Have at him, my dear.

There are countless circumstances that could be in play. He could be:

  • Your boss – Danger level: 8
  • Your subordinate – Danger level: 9
  • Reporting to the same boss – Danger level: 7
  • In another department, in the same building – Danger level: 5
  • In another building – Danger level: 3
  • In HR – Add 1 to all above danger levels.

I must confess that I rarely follow my own advice. Once upon a time, in a corpocracy far, far away, I chased after an absolutely marvelous specimen who was in HR in the same building. It was a silly thing to do but, did I mention she was stunning? I know, I know. Her lovely figure could have cost me my six-figures. Yet, fuck me sideways, she was a goddess. *Sigh* OK. Never mind. I know female minds work differently. You can override your urges. I’m a beast. Apologies. Jesus, you can’t imagine how amazing her boobs were. Ah, and that ass. Oh, my. What? Right, right … sorry.

Anyway, you also need to consider your current situation. If you hate your job, scratch all that danger level stuff and go bang his brains out. If you get sacked after wrestling nude in his sack, no big loss. You’re up one orgasm. Screw Big Blue!

Now, there’s a possibility that you’re in some other awful situation, like married. Once you’ve reached sex-with-spouse level: boring and masturbation level: excessive, approaching tedious, you’re going to mount Manny in Marketing. It’s OK. Manny knows you’re married. Let’s hope he can be discreet. If he can’t, then deny everything, grab him by the nut sack and warn him that you’ll tear them from his body if he speaks of it again.

If you haven’t done the corporate deed yet (liar), be careful how you go about courting. Email, while convenient, is an unwise choice. Similarly, you should avoid Facebook messages, and texts. That shit can be easily discovered and hardly denied. Just approach him the old-fashioned way (face-to-face), and whisper your intentions. If he refuses, no skin off your knees. If he accepts, schedule a happy hour rendezvous at a place infrequently visited by nosy, jealous coworkers.

There are some odd work environments (yes, I fantasize about this shit), which I need to cover briefly. These are all highly recommended:

  • Police: Sex with a sergeant in a squad car.
  • Nurse: Sex with a doctor on a hospital bed.
  • Cheerleader: Sex with a lit professor (I was never much of an athlete, but I could teach.)
  • UPS Driver: Sex with another driver in a brown van.
  • Nun: Sex with a priest in a confessional.

How To Date Rich Men

sugarForget everything you know about Donald Sterling. Yes, he’s a silly twat, but his woman is a conniving c-word. If she had nearly as many brains as vision problems, she would have continued wielding Don’s Black Amex card while she discreetly banged the United Nations.

If you’ve landed yourself a financial whale, I hope you selected one who isn’t too attractive (he’ll have too many other options), or too unattractive (they don’t make lady Viagra yet). You want one who’s somewhere in the middle. He may be a bit older, chubbier, shorter, or any combination thereof, within reason.

Things you need to know about Mr. Moneybags:

  • He knows you’re only into him because he’s loaded, but he’ll continue to fantasize that the mess he sees in the mirror isn’t a mess in the eye of his beholder.
  • He’s paranoid. He may be rich, but he still keeps receipts and reviews credit card statements.
  • If you’re hot enough, he’ll look the other way most of the time.
  • He’s probably banging other money-grubbing hosebags.
  • His friends and family will disapprove of you because he’s spending money on you instead of them.
  • He’s going to wear ridiculous clothing like Tommy Bahama shirts and Speedos. Refrain from commenting.

Now, a smart way to handle your Trump is to avoid saying you want something. You need to hint. Casually mention that you saw the lovely, white M5 the neighbor just bought his wife. Tell him Janice’s shoes look amazing on her. Recall that one time you got to taste Krug Rose on the beach in Cabo. You’ll be tapping into his millions in no time.

I need to break something to you, darling: He is going to expect to penetrate you, eventually. I know, I know. You’d think he’d settle for an occasional handy. Nope. You’re going to need to lube up and part your legs for ole saggy nuts. Just close your eyes and imagine he’s a dreamy lifeguard. Be careful not to grab marshmallow butt, or you’ll lose your lady boner.

If you don’t have a whale, and you’re tired of dating men with roommates, here’s some advice for harpooning one. First, you need to hang out in places they do. No more dive bars. Put on a skirt, and go to a cocktail lounge. The 19th hole at any fine golf course is a wise choice, as are any restaurants that specialize in $100 steaks. You might also try business centers in large airports. Horse tracks usually have turf clubs filled with all sorts of Ferrari driving fund babies. You should also scope out the high-roller tables in the casino.

These men are easily impressed, but they have fine-tuned bullshit detectors. Best to be upfront about it, like a Brazilian woman. Smile, wink, and offer to be his candy. Laugh at his jokes. Admire his watch. Gush over his car (unless it is a Corvette). Tell your jealous girlfriends to fuck off, and proceed to enjoy your whale until he sinks.

How To Date Silly Men

sillyCome here, you. Goochie, goochie, goo! Hey, pull my finger. Do it.

But seriously, why not date a comedian? Who couldn’t use a few more laughs each day to go along with the drive-by shootings on the news? True, silly men aren’t always the hunkiest. You’ve got Steve Carell, Seth Rogan, and Pee Wee Herman—not exactly prom kings. I assure you, though, if you were to compare their penises with, say, Clive Owen’s, you’d hardly be able to tell the difference. And, as an added bonus, you’ll enjoy a masterful post-coital standup routine.

Foolish women look past these clowns. You should not. A boring man with a chiseled chest is fun for about five minutes. Sure, the funny guy won’t be the best at physically defending you, but he could disarm most situations with humor. It’s a rare skill.

For example, if an angry ex-boyfriend shows up while you’re cooking dinner together with your funny pet, there’s no need to dial 9-1-1. The funny guy will handle the situation so well, it’s likely he’ll become good friends with your ex. Perhaps the funny guy will introduce himself as Dr. Vagiclean, there to assist with removing your genital warts. That should send the ex away promptly.

Since your new love is at his best on-stage, you’ll need to support him. Laugh at his jokes and shenanigans, even if you don’t get them or have heard them six times. Watch those “hysterical” YouTube videos he forwards to you. Learn the funny movie quotes he’ll constantly toss at inappropriate times. If he’s a serious prankster, take a deep breath and remember, your eyebrow will grow back.

Your friends are going to love this jolly new love of yours. That’s great, right? You’ll be invited to more backyard picnics. More picnics means more sausage sandwiches, kick ball, and cake walks. What fun! All of your girlfriends’ boyfriends will befriend him. None of your girlfriends will want to fuck him because, like a Shar Pei, he’s cute, but not cute enough.

If you’ve decided to seek a comic to help lighten your days, I’ll provide some tips. Most groups of men contain a hunk, a token ethnic, a fat guy, and a funny guy. Watch the flock for a few minutes before making your move. You need to be sure who is who. Telltale signs of the funny guy are:

  • He gives his bros wedgies and monkey dicks.
  • He shakes a beer.
  • He makes animal noises.
  • He cups farts and throws them.
  • He delivers awful pick-up lines to servers.
  • He wears salmon shorts and Hawaiian shirts.
  • He puts french fries in his nose.

Once you’ve identified Hilarious Harry, approach him, smile, and say something clever like, “You must be from Tennessee, because you’re the only ten I see.”

He’ll probably propose on the spot, or at least spit beer out his nose, and tickle you. Enjoy his silliness, and keep him away from funerals, traffic court, and yoga classes.

How To Date American Men

americanThere are two possible reasons to date American men: citizenship and baseball. If you live in an awful place where they treat women like pets, it’s a great reason to seek asylum in the arms of a beer-bellied, unlucky-with-women okey doke from the USA. Oh, and there’s baseball. Nothing beats a walk off, woman, and soccer sucks balls.

There are important things you need to know about American men: We drink too much beer, we watch too much TV, we spend too much money on cars, and if you grill anything, we’ll eat it. You want that? OK. Yes, I understand you’d like running water, toilet paper, and a warm place to sleep too. Proceed.

How do you approach an American, you ask? Well, since you’re probably on a different continent, or your country won’t stamp your passport, I’m going to suggest a little thing we like to call the Internet. Sign up for some dating sites. The only things that should be sort of true on your profile are your pictures. The rest you can make up.

Here are dating profile suggestions sure to lure the American meathead of your dreams:

  • Name: Katy Lopez Berry (covers three races).
  • Height: 5-foot-zero. Tall women intimidate us.
  • Age: 35.
  • Seeking Men: 40-64.
  • Has Children: Fuck, no.
  • Wants Children: Fuck, no.
  • Ethnicity: Mixed, like a tasty Mai Tai.
  • Body Type: Bangin’.
  • Faith: I donno vat thees iz.
  • Smoke: Ya, weed sometimes. Makes me horny.
  • Drink: Ya, craft beer.

Make sure the pictures you post show your body. If it’s lumpy, Photoshop that shit. If you don’t have cleavage, make some. Do NOT, under any circumstance, post a selfie of you making fish lips (AKA duck face). I’ll have you deported. How about a nice shot from behind of you sitting on the edge of a hot tub, naked from the waist up, seductively looking over your shoulder? Muy bueno!

Now, don’t wait for Joe to wink. You need to be the huntress. Find twelve men who live in a nice area (San Diego, not Poughkeepsie), and go on the attack. Make sure his income is six figures or more, check his photos for teardrop tattoos (bad—avoid these), and ignore the hair/height/weight issues. If he’s holding a guitar, that’s going to be a horrible annoyance, unless he’s Chris Cornell, and, if he were Chris Cornell, why would he be on fucking eHarmony? If he’s driving a Corvette, delete delete delete. If he’s holding an infant or a Bud Light, block him.

Once you’ve narrowed the field, initiate contact by telling him how handsome he is, how witty his tagline is, and ask him how it’s possible that he’s still single. He’ll be begging to meet you in no time. At that first meeting, I recommend a loose-fitting sundress, lace undies, big sunglasses, blood-red lips, and thick eyeliner. You’ll be pledging (temporary) allegiance, driving a new BMW, and sending money home to Mama in no time.

How To Date Bald Men

baldThere are two types of bald men: men who have lost enough hair to give up and shave the rest off, and men in the same predicament who won’t admit it. These men are quite different beasts. Know which type you’re after before proceeding, or you might end up with an insecure melon.

The safest way to approach either of these men is to avoid calling attention to what’s missing. Often, he will grow facial hair, to prove he can grow hair. But, you don’t care. He might tattoo his arms to draw attention away from his dome. But, you’ll still take him home. He may rarely be seen without a baseball cap. But, you still dig the chap.

Be a supportive sweetie, will you? Compliment his strong chin, meaty forearms, and sarcastic wit. When he points out a similarly ridiculous-looking skull, agree with him. If he missed a spot behind an ear, offer to help. If those eyebrows are becoming braid-able, bring him to the salon. If he insists on buying that Harley … shit, OK, you need to draw the line.

Some of these fellas have short fuses. (No, that isn’t a penis reference, but, if the thimble fits, he should wear it.) If his beer balls come poking out of his shorts, you should disarm the situation. Here’s a line you can use:

“Oh, darling, everyone here knows you could pound that guy into a bloody pulp, but why bruise your knuckles. Ignore the douche. Let’s have another IPA, and screw like monkeys.”

You’re going to have fewer hair products to deal with in the shower, but you will step in clumps of hair while at the sink. That’s OK. Brush off the soles of your feet into the toilet before donning the pumps.

Let’s say you’ve been dating fuzzy boys all these years, and you’d like to try a jellybean or cocoa puff. Good for you. Perhaps, that cute, cue ball bartender gives you a little wink with that lemon drop. You find him attractive. (Yes, I’m sure he rarely gets that.) He runs your card and, oddly enough, he writes his number on the receipt. (He never does that. You’re special.) What should you do?

Text him a winky face with your name. Don’t get all wordy with him yet. He’s busy chilling those Jägers. During his next break, he’ll check his phone, have one message (no, not twenty from last week’s bar sluts) from this cute patron. He’ll respond with something witty, like, “Here’s a picture from my gun show.”

Exchange a few more flirtatious texts. Get ideas from your girlie crew. Then, go home, and take a nap, because he won’t be off work until 3am. Wake up at 2:30, tidy up those lady parts, and invite him over.

When making love to a glabrous gent, try to forget your bowling days—don’t look for the holes; steer with the ears. Make sure delicate clothing is removed before his stubble creates a pull. Then, enjoy your new Abyssinian Sand Terrier as he takes you to O-town.

How To Date iTwats

200449809-001What did we do before mobile phones? We surely had better eyesight, and straighter necks. People sitting around a bar were somewhat forced to speak to each other instead of posting food pictures. Well, the devices have become part of us, so I guess we should deal with it. In fact, go ahead and take a selfie, so you can check if there’s anything stuck in your teeth before proceeding.

Thank you.

So, you want to date the guy who’s buried in his iFuck? Fine. You’ll always come in second. You OK with that? All right then. You sure all the *BING*, *BOOP*, *DING*, *BUZZ* won’t get on your nerves? How about his seventies porn ring tone? No problem, huh? You are one patient lady.

You need to discuss the appropriate use of his mobile phone while in your company. He lost his grip on common sense the minute he began playing Candy Crush on the toilet. Get him back inline. I’ll provide some suggestions.

Appropriate use of iFuck:

  • Text from babysitter.
  • Getting directions.
  • Rating wine before buying the bottle.
  • Shazamming who sang “Rock Me Amadeus.”
  • Taking a downward shot picture of you and your besties.
  • Checking movie show times.

Inappropriate use of iFuck:

  • Checking the score of the game.
  • Taking photos of other women for his spank bank.
  • Playing games while seated next to you, instead of paying attention to The Bachelorette.
  • Post-coital status updates.
  • Using it as a steering wheel for driving a Lotus in some stupid racing game, when, in real life, he drives a Toyota truck beater.
  • Sharing a picture of the log mountain he just made in your guest bathroom toilet.

Once you’ve worked this out, you’ll need to assist in his weaning off the iFuck. I have one word for you: nipples. Yep. Nipples. Your nipples are even more irresistible than Netflix … unless, of course, Netflix is showing Cameron Diaz’s nipples. So, you need to expose partial nipple at all times. “Why partial?” you ask. The hint of a nipple is better than a whole nipple, especially when at Starbucks. If your nipples are somewhat uncooperative under that sweater, consider gluing a Jujube on each. For extra distraction, you can opt for a red Jujyfruit or pencil eraser. Avoid the temptation to use Hershey Kisses. They melt.

In case he’s still undistracted, you’ll need to resort to communicating through his phone. Text him, sext him, IM chat him. Do this even if he’s right next to you. It will embarrass him (let’s hope), and teach him to be more attentive to your buttons. If all else fails, hide his charger in your vagina.

How To Date Dads

datedadChances are, you’ll encounter a few fathers during your dating endeavors. There’s something to be said about a man with children—caring, loving, patient, unavailable, stressed, frazzled, exhausted, condom-phobic, etc.

I don’t have children. In fact, I’m fixed so I won’t have any oopsies either. But, many of my friends are fathers and grandfathers. I appreciate their cell phone pictures and Facebook posts. Really, I do. Kids are great.

Fuck, who am I kidding?

You want a father figure? Go for it, I guess. Maybe you have some oopsies of your own, and could use an experienced man to assist with the rearing. Makes perfect sense. Things to consider include the ages of the nuisances, the genders, and what percentage of his time they are going to take from you.

A man who has little girls is being punished by Nature. I believe this. All those years of ogling boobs and butts have landed him in just-wait-till-she’s-a-teen purgatory. What’s better than Little Suzy showing up with a hipster, shaggy-headed gamer, or a much older man? This teaches her father how to treat women, not as objects, and how to tolerate the objects of her desire. Hence, a man with daughters could be a prime target from this category.

A man with sons is a different story. Pop is going to spend an inordinate amount of time living out his athletic dreams vicariously through his boys (who, would much rather shoot aliens on TV). He’ll be taxiing Little Manny to soccer practice and weekend tournaments. He’ll drag you along to his kid’s baseball game where his son will strike out, and cry snot bubbles. Pop will make Manny feel better by reminding him how it’s unimportant who wins, as long as there’s free pizza after the game.

So, since Pop is going to be preoccupied with munchkins, you’re going to need to schedule time in advance around their mother’s schedule. If you’re filthy rich, perhaps you can hire a nanny to occupy the monkeys while you enjoy your time with him. I guess you could cage them, but I think that might be illegal in most states. Check with your local authorities.

You need to learn how to have quiet, quickie sex whenever the opportunity presents itself. For example, have him take you from behind while brushing your teeth before bedtime (since his kid will probably insist on sleeping in the same bed).

You must also be good at lying to the children. He’s an expert. If, while hosting dinner, Little Johnny comes out of the guest bathroom with one of your tampons in his nose, tell him it’s for ears only. If Little Amy asks when she’s going to have chest bumps like you, tell her “When you’re rich enough to afford Dr. Murphy.”

In the event that you’re into him, and not his baggage, tell him you’re allergic to tykes. He may be OK with it. If you love kids, start installing outlet covers, load up on Woolite Heavy Traffic Foam, and get ready for that sixteenth viewing of Ice Age.

How To Date Drunks

drunkWe of tortured liver clan, are not to be overlooked when seeking a mate. Drunks can be fun. Whiskey dick can be pleasant.

You must first determine the type of drunk he is:

  • Violent: AVOID
  • Happy: PURSUE
  • Driving: AVOID
  • Biking: PURSUE
  • Puking: AVOID
  • Dancing: PURSUE
  • Unconscious: AVOID
  • Up All Night: PURSUE

Got it? Good.

Now, in order to date a drunk, you’re going to need to play the sober role pretty often. That’s OK. You’ll be much healthier. Plus, alcohol is a truth serum, so you can interrogate him after you pick him off the tavern floor and drive him home. Learn the tricks of the trade, including doing shots of water. One drunk is better than two.

About whiskey dick—it’s not always a bad thing. Once you get Don Julio hard, you’ll enjoy more than the usual dos minutos. It’s very important to have him on bottom duty, with his head slightly tilted, lest he drown in his own vomit. If his blood is adequately saturated, you’ll get him to do things he won’t do sober. Go ahead, toss in some food, toys, neighbors—heck, whatever it takes. He won’t remember. Might not be a great idea to take pictures, then again, look where it got Kim Kardashian.

You’re going to need to clear a shelf in the fridge. Do you really need a week’s worth of Greek yogurt? No, you don’t. Load that shelf with silver bullets. While you’re at it, those shelves on the fridge door can be put to better use than housing old olive tapenade and mustard. That’s a great spot for wine or whiskey flasks. Also, please dump the frozen broccoli and lay a few bottles of Goose and Hendrick’s in there. Ah, syrupy goodness for your man.

If you’ve spotted Sal the Sloshed at the local pub, but have yet to mount him, I’ll give you some pointers (as if this ever happens to me … sniff). Sal needs to be drinking one beer, with a spare full beer close by. Wait until he drains the one he’s holding, and reaches for the reliever. Then, make your move. Bring his next over, say some cute woman asked you to deliver it, and then erase his confusion by confessing you bought it. Next, challenge him to a game of pool for shots, or beer pong. Keep a close eye on his BAC (blood alcohol content). When the needle breeches the red, get him out of there, and fuck his dying brains out.

Remember, sober people suck, unless they are designated drivers, minors, pregnant, or any combination thereof. Adopt a party animal tonight.

Cheers!