Last night, two women asked me to tell them my favorite joke. The operative word there is “my,” as I was not requested to tell the joke they would find the funniest. In fact, I prefaced the joke with, “Well, you’re not going to find it very funny. In fact, you may find it offensive.” They insisted. I told the joke. My male companions snickered. The women were aghast. I did not get laid.
Let’s take a moment to study the joke in question. (Beware, you may be offended, which is your right as is mine to tell the joke.) Mind you, I did not create the joke. Not sure from whom, where, or when I first heard it, but, here goes…
A guy walks up to the pharmacist and says, “I’d like a pack of condoms for my thirteen-year-old daughter.”
The pharmacist responds, “Wait a minute. Your thirteen-year-old daughter is sexually active?”
The father answers, “Nah, she pretty much just lies there like her mother.”
(Insert cricket sounds, forehead slap, or coffee spit here.)
Reasons I find the joke funny:
- The double entendre of “sexually active” is brilliant.
- Yes, I have been with women (not thirteen-year-olds, mind you) who have pretty much just lain there. I might add that they were neither dead or drugged, just bored by my sexual skills.
- I don’t have children, nor a wife, and I don’t get any closer to either when I deploy this joke.
- I was never involved on either end of a molestation. A baseball coach once slapped my butt as I rounded third after hitting a home run, but I kind of liked it.
- The reaction it gets from people–good or bad–is consistently substantial.
Reasons some people find the joke offensive:
- It suggests that incest is taking place. Of course, it could also be interpreted as the father is just being a wise ass to the pharmacist.
- It hits too close to home for women who experienced some form of sexual boredom or molestation.
- People rarely admit to going through the motions sexually.
- Like me, they hate condoms.
- Concern that by laughing, it will give the impression they condone such activity.
How the joke could be altered to be less offensive:
- The girl could be eighteen.
- She could be his stepdaughter.
- The father could be with his gay lover, speaking about her mother, and referring to how she had to lie still while being artificially inseminated.
- It could start, “A dog walks up to a pharmacist …,” which makes more sense because pet incest is somehow acceptable.
- He could ask for tampons instead of condoms, then punch the pharmacist after the “sexually active” suggestion.
I guess another way to deal with this would be to replace that joke in my arsenal with something less-offensive.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because she wasn’t chicken.