What happened?

Most adults have gone through the scenario where a future ex asks what happened with an ex. The intention is to discover things to look for if the current relationship is to proceed. I get it. Still, what answers do you expect? Do you expect honesty when it looks bad? I usually rely on the harmless “we grew apart” response but, oh, how sarcasm begins boiling within me.

“She died.”

“What? Oh my god, I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t be. I pushed her off the cruise ship on our honeymoon after she said I drink too much.”

All right, maybe that’s a bit harsh. I’ll try again.

“She left me for one of her students.”

“Oh. She’s a professor?”

“No. A middle school teacher.”

“Wait. What?”

“I know. You gotta watch those little fuckers.”

Yes, yes, I get it — harsh again. How about this?

“She left me because she insisted that I’m gay.”

“What made her think that?”

“Look, even vegetarians crave a little bacon now and then.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I mean, you go down on your roommate once in a while, right? That doesn’t make you a vag-atarian. Ha ha ha. I crack me up.”

“I don’t go down on my roommate.”

“No? Huh. Well, that makes one of us.”

Let me stir that sarcastic brain soup. Need to crush some of those nasty bits and recover the “nice guy” persona.

“Nothing.”

“What do you mean? You’re still married?”

“Oh, hell no. We just fuck a lot. I just saved 50% on my car insurance by switching to single.”

“You still have sex with your ex? Why are you on a date?”

“Oh, don’t worry. If this works out and we start fucking, I’ll cut back on the ex sex.”

Obviously, I can’t do it. I need to stick to the standard.

“We grew apart.”

“How so?”

“We grew tired of each other’s shit and decided it was time to move on. Here’s to me moving on. Cheers! Let’s get some wings. Want to?”

There ya go. Quick and harmless, then a quick change of topic and wah la.

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