San Diego, CA, September 6, 2012: With the Fifty Shades craze hitting a fever pitch, movie studios are considering how to cash in. One obvious way would be to release a parody of the Fifty Shades. Author Phil Torcivia interviewed himself about what this could mean for producers, actors, and sexually neglected wives.
Phil, why do you think a parody is necessary?
“Universal Pictures is going to struggle with releasing the original movie because, let’s face it, the movie will have to be pornographic to do the book series justice, and we all know how much women like porn (about as much as chewing tobacco and Dutch ovens).”
So, how would the parody differ?
“It would be humorous erotica, similar to the brilliant series Californication. There wouldn’t need to be explicit sex scenes and horrific tampon removal. The parody would concentrate on how funny and difficult it typically is to fit tab A into slot B.”
What is your impression of James’ characters, Christian and Ana?
“They’re both unrealistic, but that’s fine as it is fiction. Christian is an abusive, possessive, narcissist. What woman could resist him? Anna is a hyper-orgasmic wimp with the vocabulary of a ten-year-old from The Valley.”
How would the characters in the parody differ?
“I’d replace the hung billionaire hunk with a sufficiently-endowed mature man who struggles with bills, writer’s block, and the elusive bed warmer. I’d replace Miss Squirts-a-Lot with a brilliant, professional woman who is sexually aggressive and confident.”
Whom do you envision playing those characters?
“Sorry, I’m busy scooping kitty litter. How about George Clooney and Kate Hudson?”
Your three parody books seem to be selling well on Amazon. Are you pleased with the response?
“E. L. James sells more books in a day than I sell in a year. So, let’s say I’m OK with it. I won’t be visiting the Ferrari dealership anytime soon. I’ll just upgrade from well bourbon to Bulleit, perhaps. Guess I can afford new sheets too. I’m considering bamboo.”
Why do you think her books have done so well?
“It’s a combination of the inner freaky-deaky finally coming out of women, and foolish men who stop paying attention to their women’s needs (yes, licky-licky) once the trial period is over and they break the seal.”
Didn’t you note on your blog that your ex-wife and mother both enjoyed her books?
“How would you like a boot to the balls, wise guy?”
Sorry. One final question, Phil: If New Line approaches you, are you willing to adapt your three parody books into a screenplay?
Thank you for your time. Fans, be sure to check out Phil Torcivia’s hilarious Fifty Shades parodies at Amazon, and watch for the release of the movie sure to snubbed by The Oscars.