One-Night

I rarely meet women who admit to having one-night stands. I’ve had some, so I was either probing aliens or dreaming. Anyway, one may wonder what it’s like for a man and how, what seems so wrong to most women, can be so alluring to most men. Don’t hate the player, ladies, just don’t play the game if it doesn’t suit you.

So, what’s it like? Well, it’s primal and exciting, for the most part. Physically, it’s ordinary at best–similar to mutual masturbation, perhaps. For many men there’s pride in the conquest, but shallow fulfillment. Without an emotional connection it can only be so good. It might beat beating off, but the post-game guilt and worry can linger.

Perhaps the social stigma around being “easy” deters most women. That’s too bad. Society shouldn’t decide what’s good for every person. If a woman enjoys sampling a variety of men, what’s the harm in that? She may have suffered through years of subpar sex from neglectful men. Maybe she’s ready to take her new sexy, single body for some trips around the block. I say, “Bravo, my sweet. Ladies, start your engines!”

The sex during a one-night stand is usually awkward. No doubt, the alcohol involved can both help and hinder. Sometimes there’s begging involved just before penetration as the man desperately tries to justify the tryst and woman tries to deflect the flesh poker. (“Wax on, wax off.”)

“I know you want to. Come on, let’s be naughty.”

[Tugging at her panties.]

“Yes, I want to, but it’s probably not a good idea. I hardly know you.”

[Playfully swatting his hand away.]

“But, there’s this great chemistry between us. I can’t resist.”

[Rubbing his manhood against her thigh.]

“You just want to get laid. I could be any woman lying here.”

[Sizing him up, but she’s not going there yet. Turning away so he can spoon her.]

“That’s not true. I’m not that kind of guy. I like you … a lot.”

[Poking her back now, kissing her neck, and cupping her breasts.]

“Why don’t we just cuddle and make out? We can leave our underwear on to be safe.”

[Turning around to face him, pulling his hands down to her hips, and trying to kiss him.]

“OK, but this will just make me want you more. Haven’t you ever wanted to be spontaneous and just go for it?”

[Wedging his hand between her thighs.]

“Of course. Still, how do I know you don’t do this every night?”

[Squeezing her legs together.]

“Trust me–it usually takes me a long time to feel comfortable enough to go there. With you there’s a unique connection. I can’t explain it. You’re so hot and sexy to me!”

[Sliding his fingers under her panties.]

“Believe me–I want to, but I still think we should behave. There are all sorts of scary diseases around too. I’m not saying you have anything, but a girl has to be careful.”

[Pushing his hands away.]

“I’m clean, I swear. OK, look, I don’t mind using a condom.”

[Rummaging through the bedside table.]

“That’s good, but I still can’t do it quite yet. Come on, just kiss me.”

[Kissing her forehead, lying back, letting out a sigh, and pouting.]

“OK, I have to get up early anyway. Goodnight.”

Good Girl = Sad Boy

Constant Contact

I consistently disappoint during the chase phase of courtships. Perhaps I have become old and slow. Even after I ask for directions, I get lost. Once the first date is over, what types of communication are expected? How often do you expect your man to contact you? How can he safely straddle the line between being aloof and being a stalker?

I wish my woman would hand me a prescription detailing the dosage required to retain my access. Would this work?

The recommended dosage* is as follows:

___ emails sent during work hours.

___ text messages sent in the morning within an hour before work.

___ text messages sent after work.

_0_ text messages sent after 11 P.M.

___ phone calls during lunch break (duration minimum: five minutes).

___ phone calls on the commute home from work (duration minimum: ten minutes).

___ phone calls before bedtime (duration minimum: twenty minutes).

_0_ phone calls after 11 P.M. (if you’re drunk).

_0_ phone calls after 11 P.M. (if you’re horny).

_0_ phone calls after 11 P.M. (if you need a ride home).

___ phone calls after 11 P.M. (if I’m any of the above and left you a message to call me ASAP; you have five minutes to comply).

*DANGER: If you do not adhere to the recommended dosages, you may experience the following side effects:

  • An inaccessible vagina.
  • A missing vagina.
  • An occupied vagina.
  • Facebook de-friending.
  • My ex-boyfriend’s car in the driveway.
  • A sore back from sleeping on the sofa.
  • A resetting of the blowjob account credits to zero.
  • Notification that my online dating profile has been unhidden.
  • Declined charges on our credit cards due to credit limit exhaustion and numerous empty brown bags and shoeboxes in the foyer.
  • Unanswered contacts.
  • A visit from my mother.
  • A pile of laundry, sink full of dishes, and list of household chores you are to complete within the next 24 hours.

This is serious stuff. How did it ever pass FDA scrutiny? I’d almost rather suffer other frequently mentioned effects such as bloating, diarrhea, and blurred vision. Ah, wait a minute–the fine print.

In case of an unattended erection lasting more than two weeks, the following may offset the side effects:

  • A daily fresh flower delivery, excluding cheap roses and baby’s breath from the grocery store, you cheap prick.
  • The presentation of evidence justifying the disobedience. This includes a smashed cell phone, broken limbs, incarceration, a notarized document stating that the Tiffany store you were in had no cell coverage, a keyboard fried by spilled coffee, or a stack of boxes containing the designer clothing you spent the day buying for me.
  • Begging and pleading while providing a thirty-minute foot massage.
  • Reservations for a spa weekend for my sister and me.Dinner waiting for me when I get home from work, including a buttery chardonnay, salad (dressing on the side, please), lobster bisque, grilled salmon, and something chocolate.

In a Relationship

When people announce to the world that they are in a relationship, what’s the reason? Are they hoping friends will be happy for them or cyber-stalkers will back off? It’s almost as annoying as a wedding invitation.

“Great. There goes a Saturday. Now I have to find a date, get a gift, dust off a suit, and throw up in my mouth as I watch the newlyweds gush. Plus, my date will become misty-eyed, feel like a complete failure because she’s unwed, and then require hours of emotional propping from Uncle Phil.”

I guess that’s why I get so annoyed with the status update on Facebook. The little heart icon next to the update gives me the urge to take my Louisville Slugger to my monitor. If you are single, you understand. If you are in a relationship, you probably think this is a sign of jealously and frustration about my relationship failures.

Wrong.

It’s similar to when people start making out at the bar. “I get it already! You’re a happy couple. Yay for you. Why don’t you take your slobbering adolescent asses outside and screw in your car? Imagine how uncomfortable you’d feel if porn suddenly came on the TV behind the bar. Yep, that’s exactly how I feel watching you oblivious meatheads suck face.”

All right, maybe I am a bit angry.

Do I announce on my status update how single I am? No. I could. In fact, there are numerous reasons why my being single is superior to being in a relationship. Here are just a few:

  • If I’m not in the mood, that makes two of me.
  • I always have simultaneous orgasms with myself and never have to fake it.
  • I get to keep the other half.
  • I only have one set of relatives to impress.
  • I don’t get upset over what I write.
  • I’m not jealous and insecure–wondering where my mate is tonight.
  • Nobody eats my leftovers.
  • I use four fewer rolls of toilet paper every week.

I’m going to begin doing it. I’m going to post a relationship status update every morning until all of my happily coupled friends de-friend me. Perhaps one or two of them will think, Gee, I wonder why this annoys me so. Maybe this is why Phil posts these updates–to show me how annoying I am. Hm. OK, I guess I’ll go back to posting status updates about how God blessed me today.

Don’t … you … dare.

Here are some future status updates my fellow bachelors and spinsters are free to borrow.

[Insert your name] is NOT in a relationship, and …

  • … isn’t interested in being in one, so stop nagging me.
  • … it doesn’t suck.
  • … it’s not the slightest bit complicated.
  • … I just saved 50% on dinner, child support, and car insurance.
  • … my mother reminds me often enough, thank you very much.
  • … if you’re tempted to set me up with someone, please don’t.
  • … I have options.
  • … I’m finding that pets are much easier to take care of than humans are.
  • … birth control is so much easier this way.
  • … odds are you’ll be joining me soon.

Why

I asked my Facebook fans to complete the sentence “I don’t understand why men …” and I received numerous responses. It’s clear that my assistance is required and it’s time for a powwow. I assembled a crew of cock-carrying creeps and asked them to help. After a few beers, the answers started flowing. I hope this isn’t too painful.

1. … are such assholes.
a. “Nuh uh, we are not.”
b. “Sounds like an angry chick to me. Bet she’d be fun to have hate sex with.”
c. “That’s one jaded woman. Run away!”

2. … try to understand what women are thinking.
a. “I know what women are thinking: How can I trap a man and take his money?”
b. “It changes so damn often I can’t keep up.”
c. “I’ve quit trying to understand women. I just smile, nod, and agree with whatever they say.”

3. … disregard their women’s feelings.
a. “Wait a minute. If I don’t understand her feelings, how can I address them?”
b. “Every time I ask what’s wrong, she says ‘nothing’ so what am I supposed to do, read her mind?”
c. “Hey, does anyone know the spread on the Eagles game this weekend?”

4. … don’t provide enough foreplay.
a. “What? So spitting in my palm doesn’t count?”
b. “Sorry, but my boners have time limits.”
c. “Why can’t she just act like the oven and ding when she’s preheated?”

5. … have to fix everything instead of listening.
a. “Because I have a Dremel.”
b. “It’s easier to fix it and stop the whining before I get a migraine.”
c. “I was born to fix things. My daddy taught me well.”

6. … are poor communicators.
a. “I thought communication was a two-way street. I bet she’s referring to listening.”
b. “I have no problem texting her daily.”
c. “It’s her fault that she hasn’t taken the time to understand my gestures and grunts.”

7. … like to push our buttons.
a. “She pushed mine first!”
b. “It was an accident.”
c. “I need to push her away hard enough to be confident that she won’t leave me.”

8. … can find every hole but the one in the toilet.
a. “I don’t pee on the goddamned floor or seat, honey. It splashes there. That’s the price of carrying such a large hose.”
b. “What’s wrong with a little ear fucking between lovers?”
c. “Maybe those holes are so big that they’re harder to miss.” Dude, enjoy your new bed: the sofa.

9. … chase women who are out of their league.
a. “Because women can be bought.”
b. “What’s wrong with a little ambition?”
c. “We love a challenge and firm asses.”

10. … desire and can have meaningless sex.
a. “It’s cheaper in the long run.”
b. “Wait a minute. What about the woman on the receiving end of that sex? She’s doing the same thing.”
c. “Because we have an unlimited supply of sperm and an inherent desire to spread our genes.”

11. … don’t say what they mean.
a. “Because it always gets me in trouble.”
b. “Half the time I don’t even know what I mean.”
c. “I say what I mean. She doesn’t want to hear it, so she hears what she wants.”

12. … are such babies when they have colds.
a. “Hey, you’re supposed to be mothering me. Make me soup.”
b. “God made women numb so they can handle childbirth. They can’t relate to the severe pain of a man’s sniffles.”
c. “If I die, who will take care of her? Probably the firefighter down the street–that bastard!”

13. … are selfish and insensitive.
a. “Really? Did I buy the Tiffany bracelet for my benefit?”
b. “I don’t care and I need another beer.”
c. “Because when we were little, our brothers and buddies constantly picked on us.”

14. … need approval from their male friends.
a. “We’re used to having coaches, teammates, and fans. [insert chest bump]”
b. “My friends happen to have great taste in cars, clothing, and beer.”
c. “Because I can’t keep running everything past my father.”

15. … have so many issues with hair.
a. “You must be kidding. You spent how much money last month at the salon, having your roots colored?”
b. “You have no idea how tedious it is to shave my head and face almost daily. No, it does not compare to legs and armpits.”
c. “If you don’t like it, you shave it. While you’re at it, let me take a razor to that Chia Pet you’re cultivating down there.”Sorry. Now you know why my friends and I were left holding our own.