Advice for Recently-Single Men

trimTrim your ball hair. More on that later.

Some of my fifty-ish friends are finding their nests vacant. The sting of depression begins to wear off as they consider the exciting prospect of rediscovering love. Like a calf staggering after leaving the vagina, they seek my guidance in how to get back in. I’ve been single a dozen years, so I’m seasoned, so to speak.

My initial tips involve personal hygiene. Many men begin to let certain things go as the anniversaries pile up. Their wives should nip them before those poor habits sprout, but marriage is exhausting and numbing. Wives tend to overlook more and demand less, right up until the divorce proceedings.

Guys, no matter what you hear, less hair down there means more blow jobs. It’s that simple. You like blow jobs, right? Would you rather eat off the lawn or the counter? Remember the 80s when you were trying to tongue-weed-whack your way through Suzie’s Velcro beav-ski? No fun, huh? Well, on date #3, Ms. Next will feel the same way about your coco-nuts.

I’m not saying you should straight-razor the whole area. You can leave a bit of hair at the base of your mighty oak, but the oak itself must have no sprouts. Capisce? Buy yourself electric clippers, and go to town like the grounds crew before the MLB All-Star Game. No, don’t do this in the shower. Stand over newspaper. And, don’t do it around anyone with a cell phone, or you’ll wind up on Insta-Cock.

It’s so easy. Once a month or so (hairy Italian fuckers like me need to do this weekly), trim the beans, trim around the frank, and shave the frank clean. While you’re at it, trim your chest and arm hair. If you can see armpit hair when your arms are by your side, guess what? Yes, trim that. Remove all nose and ear hair. Any eyebrows long enough to floss with need to be snipped.

If you happen to be one of these lumbersexual twats springing up all over Southern California, you’ll ignore me. Help me understand this look. You shave the side of your head, grow it long on top, comb it across your skull a la Boo from Orange is the New Black, and then add a pube face. Chicks dig that? Are you sure? I think they’re just being kind—too kind. You look stupid. Stop it!

One more hygiene thing is scent. Nobody (consciously) likes the natural smell of anything but roses. Man’s natural smell is onion-y. Shower daily. Use a loofah. Use wet wipes when you’re done on the potty. Use deodorant. Floss. Spray on two tiny spritzes of cologne—Mennen, Old Spice, and Brut are not colognes. One shot to your chest, and one at your belt line. Trim and clean your nails.

I’ll give a few wardrobe pointers while I’m at it. Throw away all of the following: leather sandals, Hawaiian shirts, pinky rings, pony tails, tank tops, beanies, tiny dogs, briefs, high school letter jackets, reading glasses on chains, martini glasses, horizontal striped anything, huge belt buckles, and Corvettes. These are infamous cock blockers.

Now, take your crispy clean self on out there and find the next woman to disappoint.

To be or not to be … single.

yachtSince my divorce in 2003, I’ve run the serpentine of relationships lasting anywhere from an hour to six months. After ten years, some (the married ones) would see that as a failure, and recommend I seek therapy. To those friends, I offer a bit of advice as well: “Go screw your bored partner.”

Hey, single peeps, aren’t you tired of being seen as unwell–a misfit of sorts? I sure am. The most annoying, passive-aggressive thing people say is, “Why are you single?” This implies you’re a wonderful person with some undisclosed flaw, which acts as mate repellent. The dolt who utters this fails to consider that you may choose to be single. You may not be looking for the ideal mate. In fact, you might believe there is no such thing. You might be so self-satisfied that a full-time mate would deplete you, not complete you.

No married person would admit to believing this. The married person needs that mate because he loves her, and can’t imagine life without her. Well, he can imagine it; he just won’t for very long, because there will be repercussions. He loves his wife, forgoes all other mating options (not because they’re inferior; because he promised to), and flashes his shiny band to the world as a sign of strength. He bathes in praises from his relatives, society, the government, and imaginary beings for doing the right thing.

When confronted by this holier-than-moi beast, I defend my position.

“Convince me. Please list the benefits of being in a committed relationship.”

“Fine. For one, sex.”

“While I admit that sex with a committed partner is usually more fun than masturbation, it rarely is more fun than sex with a new partner for the very first time. Now, there’s a feeling you will never have again.”

“So, sleep around, and get diseases.”

“I can get a disease from someone sneezing next to me. Am I supposed to stop breathing too?”

“OK, what about children?”

“No, thank you.”

“We have strength in numbers. My wife and I work together, pool our resources, and solve our problems as a team.”

“You never disagree on how to solve those problems?”

“Of course we do, but, we’re committed, so we work it out.”

“I compromise with no one.”

“That’s selfish.”

“That’s reality. I solve my problems without needing a scapegoat to blame and resent.”

“Hey, I don’t blame or resent my wife.”

“Well, you don’t, but I’ve heard some others do.”

“You’re going to wind up an angry old man, all by yourself, rotting away in a nursing home.”

“Perhaps. And, I might wind up a content old man, rotting away on a yacht in the Caribbean, drinking spiced rum, and admiring bikini-clad tourists, all while having nobody to disappoint.”

“Sad.”

“Happy.”

“We’re not done with this discussion. I need to check in with the wife. Be right back.”

“Point made.”

Staying Single

Those money pit diggers at Match.com published an article about the types of men who stay single. They listed the workaholic, partier, shy guy, and picky guy as examples. They even interviewed Dr. Buzzkill, who added his expert opinion. Asking him is like asking a RadioShack employee if it’s wise to have a surge suppressor. The doctor’s reasons all push the readers toward extending their Match.com memberships.

Want to know why a man over thirty stays single? Because he hasn’t found a reason not to.

I don’t need any medical or psychological expert to run it down for me. I enjoy stress-free singlehood, that’s why I live in that ‘hood. If someone came along and enhanced my life substantially, I’d consider moving closer to couplehood. If not, meh, no big deal–I hate packing anyway.

The most popular excuse I hear from women is, “Men are afraid to settle down.” I respond by adding two qualifying words to her sentence: “… with you.” Then, I deal with the look of disgust by saying, “Just kidding!” before she loses her shit on me. (I hate public displays of anger.)

Workaholics bust their asses to make enough money to afford hot, young women and their expensive tastes. A partier wants to trap a party animal tonight without considering tomorrow’s hangover (alimony). A shy guy would rather relax with a cabernet and a good book than a self-entitled sponge in dire need of emotional propping. A picky guy isn’t playing wingman with your chubby friend. Sorry.

Call the men whatever you wish, but every one of them will cave when that special woman comes along. Yes, it mostly has to do with sex. (Speaking of sex: Go fellate yourself, Doc.) Once one of these noncommittal men has his world rocked by a legendary lover, he’ll consider things he never thought he’d consider and he’ll thank God he held out this long. If he settled for Ms. One-BJ-per-Month a few years back, he would have never met Ms. Can-We-Do-It-Again.

Here are my expert suggestions to chronically single men:

  • Don’t fret.
  • Make yourself available.
  • Go where the single women go.
  • Be yourself–don’t play the role. (NOTE: One exception is if you need a slump-breaker. In that case, be what she needs and make sure there are no Flip cameras around.)
  • Don’t use a sidekick who is so attractive she scares away the prospects.
  • Never envy a married person unless his first name rhymes with Russell and his last name rhymes with Brand.
  • Remind yourself that Jennifer Aniston is available.
  • Use your imagination and some lotion.
  • Think of all the money you’re saving.
  • Trim your hedges. (Provided by a female acquaintance who will remain anonymous.)

My only suggestion to single ladies who encounter these beasts is to embrace the challenge. Dead fish are easy to catch. You don’t want to net a guppy. Throw your lures–fishnets, perfume, cleavage, eye shadow, heels, and wit–into the pond and toss back anything that doesn’t give you some struggle while reeling him in. You might end up with one tasty filet (or Phil-lay, if I haven’t drowned yet).